Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Gonna be the highlight of my birthday...
Weird I know but it's true

Happy Birthday tomorrow! I hope you have a wonderful session full of all the things you want and need from your therapist.

I realized something about this past winter (which I so hope is almost over), that the joy and happiness come bubbling up, and I allow them to do so, sort of tip into the wonder of those tiny moments. I remember telling you that first winter, which was so hard it felt like being punched in the gut with grief over and over when I was least expecting it, that I wasn't ready to experience joy yet. Now I am, and it comes all the time-- not for long as joy and happiness tend to-- but I feel more deeply rooted in all the good in my life and willing to accept it. I am more open to the world, so much less afraid, and leaving behind what is no longer right for me (it felt so good to say no the other day to the teaching offer) and moving towards the creative project I have wanted to do for a long time.

I wonder if I will tell you this, as sometimes I am not so generous or outright stingy with the good stuff. No reason for it, as I like the way you acknowledge it when I do without taking ownership or being parent like or what not. But sometimes I am afraid that the good stuff and bringing it outta my head will cause me to lose my grasp on it, and I know trying to hold onto it has the exact opposite effects. But this is one of those times when my intellectual knowledge doesn't square with what I can actually do. If only all the things I know to be true could be followed up with how the rest of me responds.

Thanks. Unfortunately I can't get all the things I want from him but I will get a birthday hug which is great. Gonna keep session light too

thinking about you this morning t

Dear T,
Apparently, I should have spent some time yesterday asking you how to avoid losing my s**t on my D when she's home for a snow day and being very defiant when I have to get some work done, despite staying up till midnight to try to finish it and am also a bit sleep-deprived (freelance work a deadline today = no option for a day off). And I guess, losing my s**t on my H, who is also home (though he claims I haven't lost it on him yet, even though I feel like I have). And I'm afraid her IEP meeting will be rescheduled to a session time with you, and then they won't let us reschedule. Or then, will it be like I'm putting you above D? When really, it's like I'm trying to do the whole "put my oxygen mask on first" thing in terms of my mental health--I'm sure that's probably what you'd say. (And of course I want a drink right now...will attempt to hold off as long as possible.)
LT

Apologies if you don't want feedback in this thread. Just wanted to empathize and say (as someone who has worked at home most of each week) that this is a really difficult situation. My H had an office job so I was always the one who stayed home on school days or when he was sick. He was (and is) a pretty high needs child and I'm pretty high on need for solitude as well as getting work done. It seemed to me like the closer my deadline, the more he interrupted me, and could be extremely charming in his attempts to engage me. Actually this is still true, it's like a closed door and communication around my need to be left alone translates into so many urgent requests like "Mom, could we spend some time together after your work?" and "do you know where the luna bars are?" I try to be humorous in my interactions now, but many a ***** has been lost over the years, and he's almost 17.

And I would also encourage you to put yourself first at least some of the time. It is okay to protect your therapy time from other things that needed to be scheduled. It took me awhile to realize that being ultra flexible while everyone else was protecting certain times from scheduling just screwed myself. I started to try to communicate this idea to my son when he was 3 or 4, "Mom needs some time to herself." And I would shut my office door for 2 minutes (he was usually standing there when I opened it). I gradually expanded the time. Now he says, "I need some time to myself."

Please be kind tomorrow... Please don't be irritated. Please don't hate me.

I hope you're doing ok...

T! I am amazed. I did it. Sat w my feelings, identified I was projecting and creating drama where likely none existed, and eventually let it go. It took awhile to let it go but I have. Go me. I want to tell you about it but will wait til next week when I see you.

My dreams are so active lately! Every night, and just filled with Animus energy - young, old and everything in between. I'll take some time this weekend to do some Actives with them to see what more I can learn. One of the dreams was scary, a man was chasing me and stuff. I brought 8 dreams with me last week well get this - I've already got 7 more since I saw you, multiple nights I had 2 dreams. It's kinda wild huh. My psyche is on overdrive....

Dear Info,

Way to miss the point. Are simple reading comprehension skills beyond you?

ATAT

(no posts in response, please)

Thanks, Anne. It helps to hear that you understand. I just feel like I should be more tolerant of my D and handle my stress better. But I guess handling stress (and guilt and perfectionism about work, parenting, etc.) better is part of what I go to therapy to learn to do (generalized anxiety, panic disorder, OCD, episodes of major depression). So, like you said, I should take that time for myself, both for therapy and otherwise.

I did end up playing with her in the snow for a half hour, which was a lot of fun and made earlier this morning worth it, I think. Still have a bit of work to do, but will manage. Again, thanks for the support!

Simply amazing , thank you

I wish I could have redone that session! Stuff I wanted to say but I just couldn't find the words. I've tried writing some stuff but a week seems such a long time to sit on the stuff I said and worse the stuff I didn't say.

I feel horrible, I'm totally ungrounded. I am so tired of being me. My schedule is off a day this week, I have an extra day now until next week and I got the news of your impending vacation. I am not sure what is wrong with me, I want to be totally normal. The problem is, I'm not. I can't stop feeling this way (stressed) just because I want to. It feels like it's been awhile since I have had to deal with my attachment issues and I'm not looking forward to it.

I can't believe tomorrow is nearly here, I've missed you, can't wait to see you again and give you a hug

Dear T,
Ugh, school is closed again tomorrow (as you likely know by now). I will do my best to manage. At least I should be able to get out of the house for a bit during the day tomorrow (H is OK with it), then we're planning to go out to dinner. And I don't have any work due tomorrow (though do have some for Friday). So hoping it will be considerably better than today... If I wasn't seeing you Friday, I probably would have e-mailed you about all this. But I managed. It wasn't pretty--in fact, it was kind of ugly at times (according to D, I was in "time out" at one point), but I managed. I just want to learn ways to better manage stuff like this in the future...and also how to be less hard on myself when I don't.
Miss you.
LT

Oh T, you are soooo weird sometimes. Good thing I am too.

I'll pocket ride with you if you want

That didn't go very well. :C

Is it next Thursday yet

Don't be sad T. Don't hurt for us. There's enough hurting already.

Hi R,

I know it can't be helped, but the way we left it last week was not the way to leave it. I really hope we can manage to meet before the break. I'm not doing very well with all of this.

Take care.

I woke up normal. I feel grounded again. Was that an ego state strikes again incident? (lol) I might be on a roller coaster.

Huh. I see you tomorrow. Cool.

I think that part of my problem with how things are going right now is the inconsistency with which I see you. Things will settle down for both of us soon, so I hope this is just temporary. I'm managing every 2 weeks, but let's be honest: I should be in weekly.