Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

What you seem to be experiencing is something I recently read about on another website. In the acculturation process there are 8-10(?) stages. One of them is called, Depression-Frustration phase, that fell right in the middle. You might be able to find more info on line.

Good luck to you.

T,
Thanks for the extra session, it really made me feel better. Until I left, when I found a parking ticket on my car because they were washing the street. I'm usually not there on this day, and didn't think to read the signs. Before I left, I went to a restaurant and had half of my sub put into a box to take home. Then, I forgot it. I'm so absent-minded at times.

I'm pathetic cuz I had to text her to make sure I had the right time for my session today. I lost the email apparently. And also because I didn't know how to act yesterday so basically ignored her after saying hi. Even though I felt like it was rude.

Art you are not pathetic at all. Human yes. Clients can be human, therapist can't.

I hope you get to talk about what transpired yesterday and you come away with the understanding it would have been perfectly okay to sit and chat with her. Asking her why she was their would not be appropriate and her asking you calls for the same privacy etiquette.

Knowing therapy ethics and what she said years ago about seeing each other in public, how would you have felt if you were tongue-tied and she didn't greet you first? I would have been pissed. I am glad she made the first move.

Dude, your self-proclaimed patheticism is labyrinthine! : bonus points for syllables per word : also "secret" jokes :

Today would have been my dad's birthday

That was more of an LOL than a thanks haha but we don't have an LOL button!

Thanks. I'm sure we will talk about it.

I need to ask something very specific, outright. I've bounced around it, but now I just need to ask.

As we both said, I do not fit the diagnostic criteria for DID, because I do not black out and lose time. I want to be clear that, honestly, that's the only reason I don't think I have DID.

But, I need to just ask this plainly:
DO you believe that I would fit the criteria for DD-NOS (OSDD)?

Because that is what I feel that I fit.
I do not want that recorded anywhere. I do not want it 'official' -- but if we're going to talk parts, then I want to be very clear that I DO believe that I have distinct parts. That when I talk parts, I don't mean "everyone has parts" parts. I mean distinct parts that would fall under the category of "Parts" as defined for "DD-NOS/OSDD" -- that, literally, if I did lose time, I would fit the DID diagnosis and it's only because I don't lose time that I do not fit that diagnosis.

I need to know if this is NOT what you believe would fit me.
I also need to know if you think the "distinct parts" themselves are just products of "obsessive thoughts" or "obsession"

I am very very well aware that I have an issue with intrusive and obsessive thoughts -- but I do NOT feel that the parts I experience are products of those intrusive and obsessive thoughts.

....
also....
sorry, all the above comes out really harsh, and I know that... I'm kind of a mess at the moment...
less harsh now....

I mentioned today that I'd been thinking of asking if I could hug you...

Is that still an ok thing for someday?....

Or am I misremembering? Did you actually say you don't hug?

I'm sorry.
I keep swinging from rage to crying like a child so...I'm sure that's confusing.
I am really really trying to remember what you actually stated and what I actually saw from you sitting near me. Not anything else but that. I'm trying. I promise.

Labyrinthine. Did not know that was a word! Must begin using in psych papers. Because they are. That. I am all nervous to see t.

t you are useless and i hate you. i hope you die.

Dear T

Sometimes it really saddens me that we can't be friends because you seem like the kind of person I would be friends with in real life. It is not a thought that disturbs me to the point where it adds to my depression. It's just a sad, missed opportunity.

After today's session, you are now officially the only person in the world who knows certain details about me. I thought it would be easier to look at you once I've gotten it out, but it's gotten even harder to look you in the eye. I'm not really sure what to do with that.

Life is exhausting. I wish things were better. I wish you would tell me that I'm being dramatic about everything and i don't need therapy anymore. But no, you refuse to tell me that.

I'm really terrified about how serious all of this actually is. I'm not ready to accept that this won't be a quick fix.

Excited to text tomorrow. I can't wait to tell you the great news about my pup!

Dear MLK,

Thank you for doing a good job. I am okay with being just your job because very few can do it the way you can...and I am A-Okay. Previously, at least with FM, I would have been bouncing off the walls with self-hatred, needing extra therapy sessions, phone calls, and tens of emails when I heard those discussions. I know now, this Sh*@ (therapy) works. It's was about time. LoL.

Sorry about sending you so many email yesterday and leaving you confused, but definitely glad you were smart enough to figure it out in time to help me with my project.

I plan on getting that book this summer to read. If you haven't read it by then I will let you borrow my copy. I also want you to read the one of the author I interviewed. I am hoping to come back with a signed copy just for you.

Back to work....

I wasn’t happy with today’s session. I wish I didn’t have to wait a whole week again.

Hey t. Thanks for this evening. I am still rather blown away by that whole conversation around projections - if that's indeed what I did back in July - I want to talk more about this - because if I did, and you didn't really say those things I remember you saying, then that sheds a lot of light on why I am the way I am today you know, like maybe I've been doing **** like that for many years - with other people - it's just, well my memory is so real and so clear, I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around it. But wow. Psychologically speaking it is quite fascinating. You're right, I was really angry. And that's what I was possessed by the session before the one we talked about this evening - my anger. So freakin' weird how seeing you yesterday morning out of context brought that session in July right into the present. I'm glad we started talking about it finally. I couldn't bring myself to ask about what I remembered you saying until now.

Sessions like this evenings make me wish I could stay in therapy with you forever...

You are so very concrete. You keep talking about coping skills.

Stupid flashbacks, or whatever the hell. I already know what to do to COPE.

I already know how to breathe.
I am the Queen of Grounding.
I should get a shiny blue Coping Skills prize ribbon and pin it to my shirt.

I want to figure out how to stop being blindsided in the first place.

I think flashbacks are the mind and body's way of attempting to process trauma. It is an imprecise and distressing means of processing but it's the only way the mind and body has. Does your T do EMDR?

I really appreciate the way you handled our cancellation yesterday. Thank you for that. I would be very grateful if you would acknowledge the email I sent on Sunday before we next meet, because I feel I may struggle to talk about the specifics.

Dear T,
Hope you don’t have to cancel due to weather, but if you do, at least we’re already scheduled for Tuesday...
LT

I thought we had a session today.

I know it's not your fault, because I skipped this time last week. I had decided that I would stop fighting you, but this makes me want to run. I did message you hoping you could still see later on in the day. But I don't think I'll get a reply back until monday at the most.

I'm not angry just sad- I can't be so weak in this need for you.

You’re the closest thing to a dad I ever had. Thank you.

Heyyyy t. Your birthday is tomorrow

If u forgot .

I feel broken and don't know what the point of anything is anymore. But I can't tell you this because if I do, you'll get mad at me and punish me again.