Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I love you! You're so much better than a CBT chat bot!

I wrote you a thank you card but didn't give it to you... It was stupid and incoherent and embarrassing! I'm going to buy another card, write a better note, and mail it to you.

I ended up doing a binge watch of a Netflix show the past couple of days to try desperately to get myself out of whatever state it was that I was in. It worked. Today, I feel better than I have in quite awhile it seems. Being in that state, I feel majorly vulnerable, and I am still afraid that I am going to go into work and the same state will return. It is so painful and it evokes an intense amount of shame, and I just can't articulate how disturbing it is using words.

When I am like that, it is like I am in my own world and nobody knows that I'm even missing. But I start thinking that other people feel the same way I do about myself, because that state is so intense, I have a hard time believing that anyone wouldn't notice it. I heard you when you tried to tell me in so many words that the other people might not have a clue.

During the episode of terror/shame, I am costantly experiencing an onslaught of intrusive thoughts, and ALL of those thoughts carry a valence of shame. Whenever at work I try to distract myself, I can't. Even when I am working. SO I become avoidant of working because I'm not there, I am trying to tolerate affect, so when I am doing my job, I find in highly irritating because time slows down and goes second by second and it is too much for me to handle.

So even now, I am dreading going back to work on Monday. I am dreading the slowing down of time. It's like torture having to feel massive shame and massive pain at the second by second existence.

I feel like I am just rambling. But I don't think I am.

I miss being able to come on Saturdays.

I'm going to stop wanting to talk about the deeper issues. I think you are better with the day-to-day management and less so with supporting me with the deeper issues. And, I've looked, but there are really no other t choices in our little rural area. You might have the skills to work with someone on deeper issues, but you don't have the time. You see clients back to back on 45 minutes intervals and are totally booked. And I feel stupid for emailing you and thinking you could help me feel better - I should have called the county helpline like I thought about. I appreciate your email but being told "I hope you can talk about this next session - I'm still here." fell short.

Dear Blondie --

I hope you have fun in Hawaii.

When you come back, I hope you'll consider that what I'd really like from you (and I bet, a lot of your other clients as well) is to frickin' own your choices? Like seriously, just own it?

Yes, you're going to Hawaii. And, you went to the Bahamas a couple of months ago.

Good for you. You can afford it. There's really no need to get hesitant or weird about it.

I have zero feelings about Hawaii vs. Bahamas vs. Timbuktu.

But, I do have a $hit ton of feelings about your weirdness around telling me where you're going and then telling me you think it's extravagant and you're doing it coz of airline points.

I don't care. I'd personally go absolutely bananas on a beach vacation -- unstructured time at a beach is my idea of a nightmare.

But, I find it super weird -- like super duper weird -- that you seem to display so little agency about your life and choices.

How do you expect your clients to really own their own desires and choices and actions?

All that stuff about "relationship", "attunement" blah blah just doesn't cut it -- not one bit -- if I sense (and good gawd, how I do) conflict and basically non-solidity within you.

I feel like I can only go so far with you before I realize that depth of character of a certain sort is not your strong suit.

Or, maybe my expectations are too high (as I'm repeatedly told).

I feel like I'm reaching a point where I need to decide whether to stay on with you or quit -- I need a therapist who's really completely comfortable in herself and increasingly, I get the sense that you're so freakin' caught up in societal norms (or worse still your interpretation of them) that I can't really trust anything much of what you say.

Or, at least without wondering how hollow your words are.

- AY

t, did you notice that I left what you tried to give back to me on the table? i hope you picked it back up. i guess i wasn't ready yet to take it back from you. i guess you know that, too. i ordered another robert johnson book "inner gold" i should get it this weekend. i can't wait to read it. i loved his "inner work" that you lent me a long time ago. i should be able to get it read before I see you on the 15th, if it's as good as "Inner work" was, i read that one really fast.

I miss you like crazy today, and I hate that you are sick and I am not there to make you laugh. sigh...

I feel sad, and I miss you.

It's Saturday night. I wonder what you're doing.

I need to get dressed and go out, but I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to lie here and think about how much I miss you.

How can I make time go faster? Only 5.5 more months until I can see you again

I'm in danger of breaking my yearn-o-meter

It's definitely NOT you being "too high expectations".

Would write more about therapists, depth therapy, them not being able to accompany us (not leading or following but accompanying) if they haven't worked on their own stuff enough etc but having real trouble articulating myself.

Today is one of those days where I wish I could sleep like everyone else. Maybe next time I see you, things will be better. I can hope for miracles, right?

I noted something last night as I engaged in an email exchange with her. I think it's been a couple of years since she tried to contact me last. Or, possibly the fact I have a new phone that did not keep her as a blocked caller.

Keeping in mind that it is text and easier to be more reflective than reactive, interacting with her didn't stir things up for me, even when she just tried to get me to go back to the past right where she wants things to be. I see her as using me and as selfish in seeking contact, but I'm willing to engage within my pretty limited boundaries anyway.

But my real question is should I tell her to just go off and not contact me again? Only she is benefiting from this "relationship." I really would just prefer to not hear from her again, but don't want to hurt her by saying so. It's not really a great sacrifice for me to have this kind of limited communication. I just wonder if it's more important for me to "help" her or more important for me to do what I want, or if it's more important for me to be the kind of person who "helps" her than to be true to myself.

MONTHS!!!??? Why so long? I'd die

Dear T,
H was being s****y to me while he was getting out the door with D. And I guess I was being s****y back, but mainly because he was doing one of those "everything isn't always about you" things when...that hadn't been my point at all! I was trying to make a sort of joke to D. I wonder how much our marriage would be improved if we'd gone to you as our marriage counselor instead of MC? Like...someone who is actually trained in some of those techniques and seems to know what he's doing in that area? Who isn't kind of trying to do sort of a psychodynamic marriage counseling (which I'm pretty sure isn't a real model?)
Not that I'd want to give you up as my individual T at this point. But still, I wonder...
See you Tuesday,
LT

Can't he do both?! I've heard of people who do that

I know you read my email on saturday. I guess you're waiting until monday morning to reply- to show me that you do still care, yet can't make me the center of your life. The 7 year old cried for you today. She wants you and nothing but you. Does that make you feel better knowing how much she adores you?

I'm not going to back down. I'm going to fight you and be hostile and rude. I want to hate you and will probably tell you that I really do on tuesday so you can see how nasty and bad I am. I'm scared you're not going to turn up because of all the other things I told you. Talking about sex makes me feel so dirty.

I'm tired of being here. I just want to go home, even if it would be for 3 days, but my mother doesn't want me there. I feel rejected and don't think you want me either. I have new exams to stress about in approximately two months,but I've been feeling burnt out since november and internal classes make me feel so stupid and like I don't know anything.

I'm so tired. I don't feel well.I'm in bed crying on and off and not studying and trying to desperately distract myself by watching episodes of Fat doctor. Birdy's song "ghost in the wind" song made me cry.

"Why does everything I love always get taken away?"

I might email you again just to irritate you and to get under your skin.

(((lemoncake)))

i so relate to this. my yearn-o-meter seemed to expand as needed.

Maybe? It's just that now I'm feeling better about him as my individual T, I don't want to risk messing that up. Like, what if he and H really hit it off and T starts seeing stuff more from his side of things? I know they're not supposed to do that, in theory--just worry how it would affect individual sessions. I am wondering if there could be any benefit to having him come in for a session or two. (T has mentioned possibly having my mom and/or dad in for a session--I assume he'd be open to H, too.)

Heyyyy....its been a while

Like half a month .

I think it would be a very bad idea for him to be your marriage counselor, and I would be surprised if he would even agree to do both. My understanding is that most therapists won't. He might be able to give you a referral, though. However I have taken my wife to a couple of sessions for specific me-supporting reasons, and that was helpful.

I assumed they didn't but I heard a few stories online of someone who seen the same T for both so I guess some do

LT-- no I get that, I wouldn't do it because of my jealousy issues. Maybe he can give you a really good referral if you do for sure leave current MC

i'm scared about how much you mean to me.
i'm scared of my feelings.
i don't want to love you.
only for you to leave.