Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I am horrified of going back tomorrow. I feel like I can't get out of this state although I know I did this weekend. Why do I feel like I am in mortal danger? This is very reminiscent of my past episodes and I am very serious when I say that this is terrifying. I can't stop being so afraid and it doesn't make sense. I need help and don't know if I am going to make it. This negativity has gone on way too long, I need to somehow get out of this. I desperately need help.

Hi Dr. S,

Love you, 24 hours.

-me

I hope you feel better by Tues so I can see you but if not, it's ok, I understand.

My T has also been my marriage counselor and he also sees my daughter. He is (or was originally -- he's had training in various things) a family systems therapist, and I think he finds it helpful to see the family dynamics. It has worked very well for us.

At the same time, I'm not sure all T's could do this. Our T doesn't disclose a lot in general, so it's easier for him to keep confidentiality. It does require extra work and care from the T though. For instance, I was talking to my T about a friend during my own session, and when the friend's name came up in couples therapy the next day my T asked who this friend was, as if he'd never heard of him, so as not to divulge to my husband that I'd been talking about that friend.

I've had bigger problems because of others I know, not my family, who also see him. I got very angry at someone who I knew was a former or current client of his and was reluctant to talk about it, yet I was very upset. He explained that it doesn't matter what he knows or thinks about this other person, it's my session and he's focused on my thoughts and feelings, not his own.

My T does have a lot of practice compartmentalizing in this way, because just about all his business these days is by referral from other clients. I would think about whether a T is very professional and consistent with boundaries, and ask them if they have experience with seeing more than one person in a family, or seeing one person both alone and in couples/family therapy. If they are professional and have done this before, then I think it may be a bigger risk to end up with a crappy MC than to use a T whom is already known to be a good one for both roles. But it's obviously a very individual thing!

Thank you this has been worth the 4 year wait and the uncertainty and the misunderstandings. I think I have always had faith in you.

100% get this. Sigh....

The worst part of the "Feelings" in therapy and attachment is KNOWING how it ends. It makes me ill

Aaaaahhh! But wait! KNOWING doesnt count in therapy!! My long term t beat this into my head for YEARS!!! FEELINGS trump (hock pitooey) (sorry about that) "knowing". Seriously

Yep... I'm currently studying abroad and then when I come home I am moving temporarily to another state for an internship... last time I saw T was the end of November and I won't get to see her again until the end of August.
I'm grateful for these experiences I get to have... but being far away from mental health support and T especially has been really, really hard.

T,
I don't have a lot to say (besides I miss you and have you forgotten about me??? which I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing). I just want to say I hope you are doing well. There have been many times where I wish I could call you, just for a little chat. Hearing your voice would make me feel so much better. But I'm only allowed to call if I am having an "emergency" which is defined by the clinic as I know that's not your fault, it's the clinic's rule. But anyway... miss you. Wish I could talk to you. God knows I need it
Much love,
Annie

I will be speaking to you about receptionists who don't listen and play into a whole caboodle of trauma Aaaaaarrrgghhh.

I miss you T. 4 weeks is a long time for me. I'm only halfway, and I'm starting to struggle. I'm feeling clingy and needy. I just want to wrap my arms around your leg, and never let go. I want to be with you! Why is that so bad?

T,

The Vulnerable Child part keeps wishing "she" could sit in your lap and have you stroke "her" hair. It's so childish of me. I know you say to be kind to the Vulnerable Child but I don't like these feelings. I know I'm supposed to use my Adult Self to comfort "her" but "she" wants you involved too. I just want to beat "her" up sometimes. Why do stupid imagery exercises again? It's just stupid unrealistic fantasy to fool myself like I did as I grew up. You're never going to stroke my hair and I'm an adult and too old for this stupid child feelings. And ewwww, why am I such a touch hungry freak? I never used to want affectionate touch. Stupid stupid feelings like this need to die. I should hurt myself every time I want safe touch from you. I'm so dirty and disgusting.

I know how you feel I have the exactsame part and needs and I very ashamed and disgusted with her. I dont know what to say so a hug is offered.

Three more sleeps - thank you for getting in touch as promptly as you did.

Thanks for today, T. I finally think we're on the same page about what's been happening. It is helpful (and a huge relief!) to be able to parse out what belongs to you/us and what belongs more to my patterns and my past. Plus you're just so warm and kind, and that goes a long way all on its own sometimes.

QM, I wish I could lend you the compassion I feel when I read this. I remember when my T said the words "little mostlylurking" (same idea as Vulnerable Child) and I felt like I'd come right out of my skin with disgust at the thought of her. He said I'd have to accept her one day and I said "Really? Can't I just disown her?" But after a while (okay, it was months, I'm sorry to say) I did come to see her as just an innocent kid who had done nothing wrong, and that she wasn't disgusting at all. I hope that the process goes quickly for you QM. And a hug from me to your Vulnerable Child.

I miss you

T,
I don't get this. I took an Ativan before I went to work and it really helped ground me, which is kind of odd as I don't remember it helping at all a long time ago. The person I was worried about, so to speak, just acted like nothing had ever happened. It is really confusing.

You were right.

I feel like I just had a stay of execution. thanx.

When you called me in the hospital just now it seemed like you couldn’t wait to get off the phone.

I was hoping you’d offer to come see me. That is literally the only thing I can think of that I want right now. I don’t think I could ever ask but **** it maybe I should because I’m about to let the nice men in the white coats zap my brains out I might as well lay all the cards on the table.

I know that would be expecting a lot, especially from someone who is salaried and works for a clinic. But jesus christ t you do remember that pdoc just dropped out of my life with zero warning, right? And you get that I can’t tell my parents and you also get *why* I can’t tell my parents—I know you do because you’ve been encouraging me to separate from them. And the friends I have in this town are people I’ve known only since June and oh by the way THEY ARE ALL MY COWORKERS so I’m not exactly excited about having them come visit me on the G*DD*MN PSYCHIATRIC WARD.

Rationally I know that these things are not your fault. It does not make sense to be angry at you because my life is this way, or because you are behaving within the boundaries of your professional role as you understand them. But I am still sad and disappointed and angry and hurt.

And okay fine you haven’t offered to come see me and if I ask you’ll probably say no. (Though I dunno if I should ask because I dunno if I could forgive you if you said no. Irrational but true.) Could you at least offer me a bit of warmth over the phone? Would that have been that hard? I’ve never heard you so business-like—are you trying not to reward this state I’m in? You really appear to believe it isn’t my fault so it’s hard for me to understand why you’d go Skinnerian in me now (though I guess I’m applying behaviorism poorly here). Are you bad over the phone? Am I scaring you? Do you feel as hopeless as I do? WHAT IS IT?

Just... f you and f therapy and f consciousness and

y'all help what the hell should i do?

I wish you would give me some sort of reasonable explanation for everything that's been happening for the past month - kidnapped by aliens and it wasn't really you maybe. If that doesn't exist, I wish you would apologize for everything you did that hurt me and made me feel like I made a huge mistake trusting anything you ever said to me and tell me that you will do whatever it takes to win my trust again.

I wish I meant enough to you to say or do anything within reason to talk me out of telling you that I don't think you can be my t anymore.

And if that doesn't work out...I wish you would tell me that you want to be friends only versus friends / therapist-client instead of us never talking again.

Chihiro, you could tell her your feelings about this without directly asking her to come and see you, if that feels safer than asking and possibly being told she won't come. There could be arcane institutional policy reasons she hasn't offered to do so already.

Your T might be struggling with her feelings if she's trying to remain professional but she's upset for you that things have taken a bad turn for you, or she's worried, or she's frustrated by the policy limitations here. I'm sorry she wasn't warmer or more helpful on the phone.

I bet he sounds so serious because he is worried about you, and tryingnotto let that show and scare you . Maybe you should tell him you would really like a visit? I dont know if T's have "turf" ,and he is or isnt allowed to visit his patients in the hospital, but I am sure he is very concerned and holding you in his mind.

I feel like I've made things weird since the love confession, I feel bad for spooking you, I know I'm gross and it can't be great to hear. I'll apologize tomorrow when I see you. I'm such an idiot.

I vote for lay your cards out on the table. Getting your brains zapped wont change your parents or their expectations. I dont know if it will make you more complicit to their desires? Make you forget about your desires that conflict with theirs? I was in your shoes, only i was headed for a heart attack. Ha - MI or MI? Get it? No wait - it was MI = MI, or get out. I got out, like just in the nick of time. A gf got ECT tho and she's pretty good. She does yoga and stuff, lots more than me. I would rather be me tho.