Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I wish you were here

Thank you t for being one of the purple ones. I love you.

What I thought was an issue at work, wasn't. It makes me sad that I struggle so much with things that aren't. I'm really looking forward to Spring Break. I really need the time off.

I finally had my appointment with my GP and she told me she is retiring. Another person is going to take her place. I hope this new person is as calm and serene. My GP said that she decided to retire because it was time and she likes the person taking her place.

I'm looking forward to a week of no social anxiety, no stress and so forth. I plan on spending time with my H and D. I hope I can get through the day without any stress.

Hey...
Yeah

I still feel a little bad over the last couple of sessions. Although thankfully I still feel a connection with you, so all I hope is not lost!
I know ultimately it's because I care, and in my jumbled head, to care about someone is to cause myself hurt and that scares me, but I still think that you have proven nothing but trustworthy and I need to give you credit for that.
I miss you which is crazy, but I'm coping, and I'm learning!

I miss you and I love you...and I don't want to.

I wish you'd never touched me because it's confused me so much. I fear your touch, yet I want it, yet I feel disgusting for wanting it...I feel so wrong and so bad so much of the time...and I know that you know that...I've allowed you to see that and it terrifies me. I can't undo it so I know I need to push on deeper into it and trust that you are there...a safe place. I think I'm ready to go there with you.

Dear T,
So...that sort of demonstrating how you relax your body when you're tense and then all those breathing exercises you demonstrated at the end of session. Um, yeah.... That was...helpful to watch. Yes, helpful, that's the word. Yep.
LT

Dear T,

Thank you.

I still don't like the changes though.

Oh and t, thank you for impulsively giving my dream-baby that shell yesterday. That was very unexpected but also most awesome. I'm keeping it on my desk at work next to my crystals to make sure the dream- lil -boy -w -the -train -set stays alive. Thanks for being so very in tune with me. Every time I think you're sick of me, you turn around and prove that you're not. I don't deserve you, you know.

But get this I think that Andrew Christopher does. My Animus has a name. How about that???? Ohohoh! And I'm gonna see E tomorrow evening at a labyrinth walk, so I'll ask her to help me w that thing we talked about. I read the article you sent me and I agree. It is time.

I feel like it's important that someone who doesn't know me as well as you do, be the one to help me with this. I would have too much expectation if it were you and you obviously knew that already. Besides, it was E in the dream.

Thank you SO much. SOOO much.

My T tried that once. I wanted to run screaming from the room.

This was a bit different than when ex-T did relaxation exercises with me, where she was talking and I was supposed to be relaxing. In this case, he was just demonstrating (maybe he wanted me to do them along with him, but...I felt too odd). For some reason, it just felt kind of...I don't know...intimate?

Yeah I get that LT. Sometimes my t will close her eyes while she's talking and I sorta feel like an intruder witnessing her internal process or something...

My previous T did these relaxation techniques with me one day and the idea was for me to do them right then and there. It didn't take long for me to end up feeling idiotic and he noticed that I was majorly uncomfortable doing it before I told him. I felt really awkward and in the spotlight.

SPRING BREAK!! I'm finally free!! This day lasted one second at a time and I noticed most of them. I hope to recalibrate while I am off.

I want you. I don't want you. I'm sad and I don't feel well.

I've been reading an old book that I first read when I was 10. I should probably stop because it's bringing up dreams about being in school again and being 8.

P.s - Approximately 1 month, 15 days till exam 1.

Uh oh!!!!?

T tried to get me to whack bamboo trees with large sticks. I felt awkward about it and didn't. So t whacked them in front of me. It was a weird experience lol. I also used to watch him chop fire wood in flip flops.

Hey....
Lol

I totally get how that could seem intimate. It's kind of weird that T's can be so sensitive to clients' body language and yet sometimes don't realize what their own might be conveying.

I found that just not having our shoes on one time made the whole thing feel different, though it was just a platonic coziness for me.

i miss you
still be there, k?

Goodnight...

This is why we are separate, T. If you put it together you can't live with yourself.
This is why our selves cannot be together.

Dear Info,

I might write you about this, but since I’m really loving spacing out our sessions, I don’t particularly want any further emotional entanglements between us. So, unlikely. Plus then you’ll want to talk about it Tuesday, and I don’t want to talk about him. He’s mine, not yours. It’s like you knowing about him will cheapen it somehow.

Sunday’s the anniversary of my father’s death. Easter too, not that any resurrection will be happening. I’ve been brooding about the anniversary and crying a bit. I still feel like I did then, like the universe said “April Fool!” to us that day. And I didn’t have a base anymore.

Because it should have been a longer life, he should have seen his granddaughters, maybe he could have helped me deal with 1 or 2ex better (or intimidate them physically—that happens without trying when you’re 6’4”), maybe my brother wouldn’t have this itinerant career where we never know where in the world he is, in a war zone or not.

All I know is, I miss him, and there’s (yet another) chasm inside me.

Anyway.

ATAT

PS: no comments in response, please.

I know you didn't mean to, and I know you felt bad and apologized, but it really hurt that you could completely misremember something so important to me that and that we had spent so much time talking about. Talking about it was the first time I cried in your office.
I spent the rest of the session resisting the urge to be petty and passive aggressive about it. It's probably going to take me a while to get over.