Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Dear T,
I know I scoffed at your suggestion of non-alcoholic beer. But guess what I bought today at the liquor store? OK, along with some regular beer, but still...I bought two different kinds of NA, too--one an IPA, which is my drink of choice. I can't imagine the NA one will be any good, but even if it's passable...Also tried the seltzer/cranberry thing the other day, which kept me from drinking earlier. And just lime seltzer today, which did the same. I know we didn't talk about this at all yesterday, but I think I'm just being more mindful of when and how much I'm drinking. Which I think is the first step? Or, say, if I normally would have had one last beer in the evening, and then I opted not to have one...I think of that as progress. I think I need to consider not so much the beers I *did* drink, but the ones I wanted but *didn't* drink. I think that's a better way for me to mark progress...
Love,
LT

I don't know how to accept and be OK with not getting pregnant this year ... honestly, parts want to just be done - just enjoy my daughter. Just relax... I don't know how to relax....

You wore grown man socks today. I was so proud I could have cried.

Also, I loved that I asked for things and you said you were willing to do them. I'm just praying we never have to enact the plan.

Also, bubbles. Thanks.

What'd you get me for my birthday T

Hehe jk.

intrusive
thoughts
anxiety
crippling
need it to stop

Whenever I do see you again, if it's on the 12th or next month or.... I want to talk about it.

I was gonna show u my drAwing but now I'm not going to. I feel embarrassed about it

Dear MC,
I guess we're probably terminating tomorrow. I have such mixed feelings about it. I wish the thing in December hadn't happened. I wish I was just walking away 100% on my own terms. I wish I still trusted you. I wish I still felt 100% accepted by you, no matter what. I wish I still loved you. But...December did happen. And I don't feel any of those things anymore. My sadness isn't so much about saying goodbye, but doing it on those terms. And I know you'll leave the door open. Who knows, maybe we'll come back?

I think it's not so much that I'm sad about saying goodbye to you as things stand now. I think it's more the fact that at one point, and for a fairly long time, I felt you were someone who I wanted to be in my life forever. Where I never wanted to say goodbye to you. When now...So I think it's more a mourning of that change. As opposed to the actual act of saying goodbye. It's like my heart already said goodbye 4 months ago...
LT

I am both doing well and continuing to struggle with myself. It is nice to be off of work.

Dear T,
Please don't be mad at me for the brief e-mail--I know it's two weeks in a row. But I'm just upset about tomorrow and a sentence or two from you could really help. Clearly I should have spent more time on this in session yesterday...but that was my doing. I thought I was mostly OK, but apparently not.
Miss you,
LT

Edited to add: It's times like this when I'm both thankful for and hate your stronger boundaries.

I went four months without seeing you, and thought it would be four more months until I saw you again, and it was hard but I accepted it. Except now I have a chance to see you again! So I called and scheduled an appointment. And your next available appointment isn't for another month. Why is it so much harder to wait now??

Why the hell do I not say what I need to when I see you, and then beat myself up over it in between times?

I just don't know what to do!

Dear T,
Thanks for your kind response (and it was more than the sentence I requested!) This is probably silly, but the thing that affected me most was the smiley emoticon at the end--because I was worried you'd be annoyed about the e-mail, and to me, that implies you're not. I'll try to carry your thoughts with me today.
Love,
LT

Edited to add: Aw, I just looked again and realized it was a winking smiley (Gmail on the computer makes them look like little blobs, so can be hard to tell). That's kind of more endearing, actually.

Lol one time i was in a harass t via text mode. The next morning i sent sorry for being so needy. T sent back its ok with a wink face. I interpreted it as annoyance but it made me laugh

T
I get to see u on my 31st birthday today!!! Yayeeeee!!!! And your texts made me smile =]

Me

Happy Birthday! Hope you have a good session.

Happy birthday!!

Why am I like this? It's too much... I don't want to be me anymore. Help.

please, help

HUGS luco <3

C,

Sssooo...I'm gunna go get some CBD oil after work and give it a try...

Wonder what you'll think of THAT.

I'm losing any sense of connection to you. You feel a million miles away and I hate it. I don't even want to see you at this point. Is this what once a week is going to be like? If so we really need to revisit that discussion because I don't think I'm ready.....

Dear Info,

Sessions with you leave me feeling like the walking wounded. Yesterday I kept looking at you talking and watching your mouth move and I just kept thinking how banal everything you said was.

And of course you don't remember things we've discussed multiple times before. Like the scar on my upper left arm from SH? You asked what it was twice last summer and again yesterday, as though those earlier conversations didn't even register. I don't even know if you think of me as me, or just another client to spit meaningless phrases at.

I don't feel that way after sessions with Piaf. Then, I feel like something was accomplished, however small, and that she talked to me, not some image of me she has in her head.

ATAT

I'm so very tired.