Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Dear T,

*sigh*

Hi
Do you hate me now?

We are still scheduled for a week from today, right? Of course I won't let myself actually verify this.

Assuming we are, I hope the weirdness from last time is absent.

Dear Blondie --

I'm just.....frickin' miserable. Just plain ol' wouldn't-get-out-of-bed-if-I-didn't-think-I'd-get-fired-from-my-job kinda thing.

I don't think you get it -- you see it as a reflection of your attunement or competence when I tell you that's how I feel although I almost never show it in session.

I'm gonna try even harder to eat better, sleep better, exercise and meditate and all that -- just so I can say I'm doing my damnedest best and not wallowing in misery.

But, nothing's helping.

And, please don't point out again that it's all related to my usual call home next week.

I'm back to wanting to off myself and I feel like you're a plastic life raft floating somewhere in some choppy ocean to the point that I can only imagine your existence.

I want to cancel all my upcoming appointments and for the first time, it won't be because I'm angry at you. But, because, it all feels so hopeless. Like gawdawfully so.

- AY

Dear T,
I'd like to think you would understand why I reacted to H the way I did tonight when he said that thing to me. But I worry you'd think I'm awful. I want you to have a good opinion of me. And to be on "my side." I suppose that's probably a topic in itself, isn't it?
LT

Dear T,

This is terrible. I did not think you would ever disappoint me like this. You're always so incredibly consistent, I've had no complaints about you at all, you've been an excellent T. And then you tell me you can do something for me, something incredibly important to me, something I've looked forward to for weeks, and then you just up and change your mind? Sure, you could do that -- then weeks later as the date approaches -- Nope sorry, suddenly not comfortable?

Did you literally use the phrases "blurring of boundaries" and "in light of our work together" in an email to me? In light of our work together? Are you f***ing kidding me? Did you even write the email yourself or is there like a "bad news to the client" AI program that wrote that for you?

I am trying so hard not to reply to you for a third time but my heart is pounding and you just keep saying absurd things -- you are clearly NOT giving me the actual reason why, you've already given me two different reasons. And I'm supposed to wait till next Wednesday to discuss it more with you when I have plans riding on your decision? Oh sure, just keep things in limbo for 6 more days?

I can't believe you!

~ml

I find myself yet again with plans almost immediately after session. I don't want things to be light, per se, but I also would like to have fun at game night.

Sessions on Friday evenings are the biggest pain in the ***.

....

Depersonalization fits. It makes sense.

((mostlylurking))- I can understand how this would be unsettling. Can you flat out tell him you can't wait to deal with this until next Wednesday and ask to schedule an earlier appointment or ask for a phone call or even a third email? I am so sorry for your pain and aggravation. Wishing the best outcome for you.

[QUOTE]is there like a "bad news to the client" AI program that wrote that for you?
[/QUOTE]

Oh God, I hope not.

thanks for a good birthday session and the photos! it's weird i paid to spend part of my birthday with you but i'd do it again in a heartbeat. you rock, thanks, see you tues!

Thank you -- I think I will probably send an email tomorrow -- it's already written and sitting in my drafts folder but I'm trying hard to put my some limits on myself and not send three emails in a day (though, granted, in response to his). I'm not really willing to wait until Wednesday but may just try to pace it out to a couple of emails in between now and then.

I've been doing so well, its just under a week until you are back, but today was rough and I can feel things wanting to go downhill. I can feel parts trying to convince me that you don't care, that you never cared. I just want to curl up and cry. I'll hold them off as long as possible.....

hey t, do you know that every evening this week i have been pulling up your psych today profile so I can click on your picture to make it a little bigger and then 'talk' to you that way? i have shared a lot of stuff with 'you' this week. especially last night after h said that stuff. having your picture there is very helpful. i kinda wish it was more current, but it's good enough.

I'm so disorganized. I can't find what I want to wear, I have to stop elsewhere to get breakfast and I really don't have the time. I feel like all I do is complain. I am so sick of myself, I should have done all of this. And now I am procrastinating more waiting for my meds. to kick in. I have so many goals, things I want to change and work takes all of my energy. My meds. work at work (Modafinil 400 mgs)but don't last when I get home from work. Modafinil is thought to maybe help with depersonalization, and I'm wondering if it does work to stave off that during work (or not?). After work, I sometimes use something to relax me and calm me down which saps my energy (Ativan, etc.). That is thought to encourage depersonalization. I am so angry with myself. I am going to make myself do all of the things I need to do this weekend. Since I've just concretely become aware of my DP episodes, I am going to have to notice when this happens. Ughhh. I just want to be normal and productive at work and at home. I'm tired and sad and frustrated.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. Some of what you said was very validating. And I like what you said about the parenting thing, too. Also liked your striped socks in springtime colors, but felt odd complimenting them. Perhaps when you wear them again...
Love,
LT
PS--Thanks for saying I can come in twice a week for as long as I want. That's good to hear...

Thank you for todays email, but ho hum couldn't you have just done all of that 2 weeks ago?

I was all about being by myself at work today. It is so nice not to have to deal with my social anxiety. I'm so awkward. I came home to disorganization in my room. I need to go to the store and don't feel like it. And so forth and so on. However, at work, I was all about analyzing the students scores and planning how to remediate and was all into it.

Why can't I be that person at home? Why do I, at work, enjoy being organized and enjoy contemplating data from the students and THEN come home and just feel horrible because I feel all over the place and don't feel like doing anything? I feel like I am brain dead, and I feel so exhausted. My allergies are making me sneeze dramatically (glad no one was in my room) and my room had the heat on full blast (it felt anyway).

I'm really not miserable, not in pain. I just wish I could change the way I am but I am just so deadenly (?) tired. My brain and body are done for the day. I really wish things like this could change as it drives me crazy. How overwhelming.

I suppose I will formulate a plan either later on tonight, or tomorrow when I am not so exhausted from work.

I didn't want to talk about dogs today. How am I supposed to say, "yeah corgis are great, but your dog is really pretty! Is it a pit bull?" without sounding like a crazy, neurotic stalker?

That's right, I can't. So I won't. Gold star to you for remembering my preference for Pembroke corgis though.

I feel closer to you in email than in person.
In person, the closeness is too scary.

My feelings about finding out that you're a cancer survivor are mixed so so much with my feelings about S's cancer...and I feel like I've found out you have cancer. Not had, but have. Also, S said his stomach is hurting, and I'm fairly convinced it's his lymphoma and that he's about to be quite ill and need to start treatment and that I'm seriously either never seeing him again OR will only get to see him one last time before he dies...and I can't imagine him being dead . I can't imagine him not existing . I can't imagine him not being there on the other end of the phone. It's killing me.

Is it Tuesday yet? I miss you already.

I hate everything, T. I am so miserable at this moment.

T,

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of nothingness. I am both surrounded by people and completely alone and I HATE it. I just want one person to actually listen to me. To my thoughts and feelings..... JUST ONE. You are normally my one so it sucks even more when you are away. *sigh* Is it Wednesday yet?

Dear Dr. S,

Am I not emailing you simply because of wanting to punish you and how silly is that? I do believe there is something to this even if it is silly.

Am I not emailing you because of not wanting the pain of having you not respond again?

Am I not emailing you because I don't believe you care the way I want you to care. Your statement about not having time to respond and since you were going to be seeing me, you (I still don't remember exactly what you said here) indicated that you didn't worry about getting back to me. And while that makes perfect sense, I still feel like it is saying that I didn't matter enough to make sure you replied to let me know that you even read it; especially since the email was about something I wanted us to do in that session.

It's been almost 3 wks.

-me

PS - have you noticed that I am with holding stuff from you again?

I know what I felt last time that was weird, t. The magic is gone. Sigh...

(Not looking for comments please.)