Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Dear T,

Holy shizz it's really gonna happen. I don't think I've ever been so scared and excited at the same time ever in my adult life. This will certainly be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my adult life. I'm finally ready. Thank you for offering to be by my side when I do it. Thank you for your unabating support. And thank you for showing me I can trust you to be there for me when shizz hits the fan. You're a good egg.

AllHeart

Let the countdown begin: 6 days, 18 hours, 39 minutes.

i'm exhausted, t. i don't have the energy or motivation to do anything good for myself, but also hate the endless hours alone every night. this is where the drinking comes in, and i am really trying to not drink for a few days. last night was hard.

i will not tell you this, though. sorry.

Dear T,
Well, I terminated. Not the best session, but oh well. I wish I could have run across the street afterward and gotten a hug from you. OK, you don't do hugs, but a handshake maybe. Or just to have seen you for a moment. Can hold off till Friday though. I think your words in the e-mail this morning helped give me strength. Actually, I think seeing you for the last 6 months in general has given me strength. You've helped to empower me. So, thank you. Though I suspect I'll be leaning on you quite a bit to help me through once the relief of "Yay, I did it!" wears off...Expect an emotional session Friday.
Love,
LT

T,
There's nothing like getting better to make me feel worse. It never fails, I can't celebrate my progress because it triggers my abandonment fears.

MLK and FM,

It has been along day and another ~12 hours to go which mind you equals more that 24 hours. Thanks for helping me learn to preserver. The ole gal keeps on moving. Wait to you hear about the next leg of my next. You'll be shocked... or you will say no, we knew that time was coming.

I hope to see you soon and celebrate. Break out the sparkling apple cider.

Love you,
AesB

Now I'm arranging to legally!! obtain some edibles.
Even if it's not technically legal HERE, it's legal a stone's throw away.
Will you hate me?...

Hugs if you want them.

Dear T,
Guess it's just you and me now... Please keep being cool. And understanding. And supportive. And accepting. And...all the other stuff I need.
Love,
LT

I noticed about half an hour ago that I was in self hatred mode in my head. In this mode I think of all of the reasons I should hate myself, and why others should, too. I noticed it before I dragged myself down and got stuck in that state. I found it interesting that I went from feeling secure in session, to needy after session (from getting better), and then to self hatred mode. It makes so much sense. Just noticing it made it go away. Now I'm trying not to think of the thoughts I was thinking. I am going for a walk as soon as my IPOD is charged enough to last the whole walk. I appreciate your unwaivering support,

well, i failed T. not that you will know that. i am pathetic.

Are you going to tell on yourself? I'm currently wondering whether I will.

Also been thinking of getting some CBD oil for my dog. Apparently it would be a bad idea to give her some of my stash.

Dear t, I just drafted the email I'm going to send you canceling the 12th and the 26th. Please accept it gracefully ok? Because I'm also asking to reconvene in mid-May. I don't know why this has me all in knots. Well I guess actually I do know. Because of course I wish I didn't have to. But I just won't have the $$ to pay you. I mean I'm glad we paid the bills off, I hated how they didn't send them and didn't send them and knowing it was hanging over our heads.... but at the same time I'm kinda bummin' cuz it means I can't see you this month and I probably won't be able to go to the Dream thing in June that I'd been so looking forward to either. Oh well. There's always next year for that, I guess. At least I'll have the $$ to see you again in May. Although if I don't see you in May either, then I'll have $200 for the thing in June... hmm. Hmm. I really should tell you that I'm starting to want to use the $200 a month I've been paying you for other things...

i know nothing about cbd oil for animals, but it isn't like getting high for humans. it doesn't have any thc in it, which is what gets people high.

i have been thinking about trying it for anxiety/sleep.

Art: if i am overstepping, please feel free to tell me to shut my mouth!

I know you feel a lot of guilt for quitting therapy with this T...but honestly, it sounds like you've been done with therapy for months. I know she helped during your H's crisis(s), but if you really thought about it, would you have been okay if you hadn't seen her? From what I recall, you were doing a-ok on your own until that popped up.

Now, that being said, that is a perfectly reasonable reason to go see your T. I would! I just feel like you have so much guilt around it, and I truly don't think you should feel any. It seems like your T (weirdly) has had a hard time letting you go, but I personally think you should go to this dream thing in june, and not see your T

Like I said: tell me to shut up, I won't be offended. I just hate to see you waffling about when really, therapy is about YOU and what YOU want/need. Not about your T, at all.

I could call my T next week and tell her I was quitting. She might express some concern (as that would be out of the ordinary for me), but she would not tell me I shouldn't, or give me a guilt trip.

I am a person who plays by the "rules," so I always stay to the end of every session, even if I am feeling like shite, because that is what you "do." Last week, something happened that made me completely shut down and angry (still don't really know what it was), and since we only had about 5 minutes left, I said "I am leaving. I have nothing else to say." I stood up, gave her my check and left.

In almost 3 years, that has never happened. I felt guilty later and texted her, apologizing, telling her that i was feeling really bad and didn't know why, so i had to go.

She said she saw that, and hoped we could work through it together.

Sorry for the sidetrack. I just want you to do what is best for you (aka: go to that dream conference!), and not what is best for your T, even though she has helped you so much over the past 6 years.

Yeah, I am considering the CBD oil because it won't get her high, which might be distressing for her. There are some studies on it helping with arthritis and inflammation... she's almost 19, so she has some aches and pains.

WOW!!! She is almost 19? That is sort of amazing.

QUOTE=velcro003;6077398]Art: if i am overstepping......[/QUOTE]

not at all! replied on the couch.

Dear Info,

I just want to point this out again. I’ve numbered the steps so they can be followed, even by a therapist like you.

1. You receive an email related to a client.
2. You mention it in passing to the client.
3. A few months later, you no longer remember the email.
4. And you no longer remember mentioning it.
5. But you are bound and determined that if you mentioned the email you don’t remember, it was because the client told you about it.

Somewhere between 4 and 5 there is a gap big enough to swallow the Roman Empire at its greatest extent. (1.9 million square miles, in case you care.)

Have we not already established that my memory is better than yours? So maybe accept my word on this?

You know, you’re better at hiding your defensiveness than CW or DBC was, but it’s still there. Ploughshares into swords in the therapist’s office.

ATAT

WTF?!

(Eight characters)

Dear T,

It helped a little to get some validation from you that I'm under a lot of stress. I'd been feeling I'm weak for still being highly stressed despite all the deep breathing, cognitive reframing, mindfulness during breaks, keeping fed and hydrated, self compassion rather than harsh self criticism, asking colleagues and bosses for help, doing my best to not worry about work once I'm out of the office unless work messages or calls me...

Hi R,

I've written you a letter. The last time I wrote a letter to a therapist/counsellor, it was the beginning of the end. I'm hoping this won't be that way...but I have to wait two weeks to share it with you.

'I'm scared to death. I need you not to be.'

Lost

I can't feel your love anymore, which makes me feel sad. But I definitely feel something warm.
Thanks for today. See you in May
Love you

Hugs, did you reduce the frequency of your sessions? I thought you'll have another appointment with him this April?

I'm going to tell him today that I'm considering it. I told my husband, and he supports it. I would be taking very small amounts - not really trying to get high...just trying to ease the intrusive thoughts/PTSD & panic.

I don't know if I'll go through with it (the pot). I might not.

CBD oil is totally legal, so I've no problem telling him I'm trying that.

I'm going on vacation so I'll miss one appointment.
I hope he'll take a rest from me