Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Dear T,
I miss you. Wish I was seeing you today instead of tomorrow. OK, that's not true--wish I was seeing you today AND tomorrow. But I'll manage.
Love,
LT

Hugs You're not a bother like you believe you are. *hugs*

Therapist: "I know you(client) don't trust most of what you say"
That is because you proved to be decidedly untrustworthy.

"But I (therapist) always felt our relationship was solid..."
What ****ing planet are you on? Were you ever ****ing present at the same appointment I was at?

hey t. i'm thinking again this morning about where my guilt comes from about canceling this month and starting to want to spend my $ on other things and not come there anymore. i think maybe a good chunk of it is - i feel like i owe you staying in therapy because you moved back here! but, it's not my job to take care of you.

of course there's also the obvious i adore you thing, but that's not a valid reason to stay in therapy either.

and i'd miss you, miss our relationship if i left. but that also is not a valid reason to stay in therapy.

i think i need one last thing from you. help me leave.

I hate your vacations. (I'm sorry for even thinking that.) Please don't leave.

I talked about cbd oil with my t for my psychotic symptoms. He seemed supportive of it but i told him it's too expensive for me cuz it takes a large dose to affect psychosis

Hi t thanks for helping me take my meds lAst night. I want to get back on them regularly and be stable. We both know I'm sabotaging... We discussed it n everything. But it's getting to the scary part w voices n paranoia

I guess I'm going to reduce my dose. Lol. I don't know.

Tomorrow will be a better day. You've been good recently, and I need good. 99% of everyone else has been bad today. At the end of the day, no one really cares about me, but I pay you to and you're doing a decent job of it.

I had a thought, it's not that I feel like you're judging me or that you don't understand me - it's the exact opposite! You are too non judgemental and too understanding and you get me...and THAT is what terrifies me, you are seeing more and more of who I really am and it feels so dangerous, so I shut down to escape it. I hope I can remember to tell you this in a week because it feels important!

MLK and FM

No more bushes or howling creatures... at least for a few months. Thank God for modernity and a good nights sleep at the Marriott Hotels. Lots of insights to share and of course PEEPS to eat if they haven't grown up and flown away. I am letting you know I am going to consume the whole box in a few minutes. I hope it is the big 12 pack of Peeps and not the small 4 pack. I will only pay for a 12 pack if you plan to charge me. A small four pack has to be gratis. I also hope they are fresh and not stale. I know...a needy client. I like to mess with you MLK because it makes the time between us fun and still insightful for progress to be made.

Dear T,
Well, that was kind of eerie. I was sitting here thinking, "I hope you don't cancel on me tomorrow." A minute later, I get the text from you asking if we can do a different time tomorrow. Glad it was just a different time, not a cancellation!
LT

Hi T,

I'm trying to fight off all those feelings... I refuse to have them. I'm a grown up. It can't be that hard to handle 3 weeks without you? I'm way too dependent on you...

Lil

After years of you suggesting that my family get together and do something like watch t.v., and years of being successful for a short while only to stop, H's T gave him homework: set a permanent day each week that we get together to eat dinner. H brought this up with me today. H said that he always wanted to do this but didn't think it was what we wanted to do, but it definitely is. And I got the feeling at times that he didn't want me there and it might have or might not have been true. H also said that he wants to watch t.v. on that day so we'll pick something we all like.

I think this has clicked with H and we both now know that we both are interested in this, and this includes D. This is progress and it seems like this time we will continue doing this. It just feels different than it usually has, in a good way. At least I am hopeful. Today was a really good day all around.

I hope you have an awful holiday and get stuck in heavy traffic and your chosen destination gets lots of rain.

I hate you because i love you and only you can hurt me like this.

Please don't be mad.

Love you. Hate you. Love you.

Therapy is stupid.

I miss you.

Yep. This is stupid.

T - 5 days, 17 hours, 55 minutes in case you were wondering. Ok, I know you weren't, but, you better not forget.

please don't forget me

Oh God t

Seriously, just yawn. It's okay.

I promise I won't take it personally, and it would be way less distracting than seeing you try to hide it.

hi
I've just found out, via my mom posting on Facebook bc god forbid she call me to tell me anything, that the doctor has given my grandmother 2-4 weeks to live.
I'm going to be going up to say my goodbyes next weekend.
I'm not sure what else to write here...I just instantly wanted you...so...here I am.

Dear MC,
The fact that I really felt no emotion when reading your brief response to my "coda" e-mail confirms that it really is over. That our relationship has devolved to a point from which it probably can't return. Or at least would never be the same as it once was (though maybe that wasn't the healthiest for me anyway...). Thanks for responding anyway. Maybe we'll see you again in the future? I have no idea. I need time and distance right now.
LT

Also, your whole thing about being "proud of me..." that just sort of confirms the paternal countertransference, doesn't it? Or maybe that's just what therapists say at the end. I delusionally wish that at some point, you would have been like, "Yeah, you triggered some countertransference in me. I started caring too much. I got too close to you. For a bit there, you were more than just some random patient to me. And I even kind of loved you on some level (platonically of course)." But you'd never admit that. Even if it's true...
LT