[LonesomeTonight]

New Dear T.

Have something you want to tell your T but can't? Post it here.
Have something you wish you could say to your T but aren't sure if you should or how? Post it here.

Anything you would like to say to your T, big or small - feel free to post it here.

Continued from Dear T Part XXIX

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by velcro003

LT: I hope what I wrote you don't see as judging, because I am not.

I do think maybe that your T hasn't experienced this level of attachment so quickly before, and it has thrown him a bit. I also think that he seems to really think about what you tell him, and adjust accordingly. I do like him based on what you have said. It makes sense to me that your senses are heightened in a manner because of everything that has happened with MC. You are already hyper-aware of people's responses I feel, and may be extra heightened with this T right now.

Just my opinion, of course

I also agree that you shouldn't feel ashamed for having these feelings, though I understand why you might.

No, I don't see it as judging, but thanks for checking in about that. I think you're right that he's thrown by my attachment at this level this quickly. I mean, a couple weeks ago, while discussing attachment, he was like, "You've been seeing me what, 3 months?" And I said, "No, close to 5." And he asked how long I thought it took me to get attached to ex-T and MC. Which...was longer. At the time, I felt like he was judging me for getting attached so quickly. But when I asked about it later, he said they were two separate things. That he was just wondering how the attachment process with them had gone.

As you said, he does seem really responsive to feedback (unlike MC, who becomes Mr. Defensive). It's like he's really trying to understand what's going on with me, but maybe just...doesn't entirely get it. And I'm definitely hyperaware of people's responses, verbally, their body language, etc. It's part of the hypervigilance of anxiety and stuff that comes from childhood.

Thanks for saying I shouldn't be ashamed--I suspect if I tell T I feel that way, that he'll say he in no way meant to shame me--I know many of these feelings are coming from within instead of from him. I just keep thinking that when I talk to him about it, he's going to be thinking, "Oh God, she wants to talk about the relationship again...What did I do wrong this time?" Which...again, I need to talk to him about these feelings.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I know we’re not supposed to respond to posts here, but LT, how are you going to get over being less dependent on authority figures when you need validation and acceptance from an authority figure?

This is why I think I need an authority figure who won't give me exactly what I'm looking for--why I don't want to just find another version of MC. Part of why I want to try to make it work with this T is that I think he has the potential to really help me by challenging me and pushing me forward. I think I need to struggle to deal with not getting exactly what I want and learn to deal with that.

T also has said that maybe the way to deal with transference isn't so much what MC said in terms of working through it with the object of transference (where MC would say if I could resolve it with him, that would give me a different ending to a story from my childhood). T said maybe it's about going back to the roots of the transference, as in my childhood and my parents, and dealing with those issues. A week ago, he gave me some worksheets to fill out with stuff involving my parents, and we're going to work on exploring that when he gets back. I feel like at this point, may as well try any reasonable approach. It does make sense that someone in the here and now can't fill my childhood needs. And that maybe the first step is figuring out exactly what those needs were and how my parents didn't meet them, then going from there...

[growlycat]

I can relate LT. My recent emotional reactions are more related to childhood stuff than anything going on in the present. Attachment issues have been overwhelming for me lately so I follow your journey with interest too. Do your feelings if neediness flare up when you are actually getting your needs met? At least for me, I seem to go a long time without attending to my emotional needs but once someone helps fill some my brain goes crazy and I can’t get enough.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I guess what I want to say, LT, is that I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. Sure, at the end of the day, your T has to be clear about his feelings and boundaries, because the only way this really works is if the T's feelings and boundaries are condusive to it as well. (No T can or should force themselves to be comfortable with deep attachment work; it won't work.) It just hurts my heart, because I can't help but think how I'd feel if C said those things to me... and because I also know he wouldn't (or at least not most of them; he's told me I've frustrated him...actually, i think he said annoyed...I've definitely annoyed him, and that was really really hard for me) Anyways, point is that I know there are Ts who would absolutely do the kind of work with you that your'e looking for, so it hurts my heart for you some to see this T who I know you're already attached to maybe not knowing much about attachment work. I want a really really solid attachment work T for you, because I know that shame storm, and I also know it's undeserved -- your needs aren't shameful. Missing your T isn't shameful. Needing him isn't shameful. Reaching out and saying "please be there" isn't shameful or bad or wrong.

Thanks, TMC. I know it's hard to hear you've annoyed or frustrated a T, too--that's one thing that MC said on the phone call with H and me a month ago, that he had been frustrated with me (I think he was specifically referring to the previous phone call, the one where he said I needed to reduce contact). And he also said how my outside contact that week in December had "bothered" him, when is hadn't in the past. Which really upset me.

Thanks for your comments on my needs not being shameful. I just don't know if an attachment T is what I need...maybe it's what I feel I *want*, but I don't know if it's the best thing for me. I need someone who will help me to not need so much validation and reassurance from others, and I fear if I see a T who does give me a bunch of that, I'll just get...addicted seems an appropriate word, because that's how I felt regarding MC at times. Like sessions used to be enough, then I had to e-mail or text him to get another fix in between sessions. It felt good for a bit, but then it would fade...and if he didn't respond for a couple days, it was really difficult.

I really don't want that kind of dependence. But the problem is, right now, it's like I need to ease my way out of that. I want T to understand I need help and understanding--probably lots of help and understanding--to be less needy. I may need him to be willing to put up at times with, say, a midweek e-mail just saying, "Are you still there?" to which all he has to reply is "Yes, still here." Like only asking a few seconds of his time. I may need to send him periodic rambling e-mail of why i was upset from something that happened in session or why I'm worried about the relationship (and I'd be fine paying for responses). I want to know if I do that stuff, that it will be OK. And most importantly, that he gets *why* I need to do it.

OK, I'm totally rambling now, but also thinking out loud, so to speak. Trying to figure out what to tell him I need from him, so that I can then ask if he's willing to give it. I need patience and understanding and acceptance while I navigate therapy stuff right now. Maybe the occasional reassurance (even if more subtle than what MC would say). The question is, can he give me that?

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I can relate LT. My recent emotional reactions are more related to childhood stuff than anything going on in the present. Attachment issues have been overwhelming for me lately so I follow your journey with interest too. Do your feelings if neediness flare up when you are actually getting your needs met? At least for me, I seem to go a long time without attending to my emotional needs but once someone helps fill some my brain goes crazy and I can’t get enough.

Sorry you're struggling so much with attachment issues. Yeah, I think that's some of what happened to me with MC. It's like he tapped into some unmet emotional need...nerve or whatever, and it just unleashed more need. I got some reassurance, it felt good, so I wanted more. I think with current T, there were a few sessions in a row where it just felt we were really connecting, that he understood. (And that included a couple weeks with two sessions a week). So then it was like, "OK, now I'm going out of town and not saying why or where" (even though he told me a few weeks before that he'd be away this week). It was like, I felt connected and understood, like maybe I was getting some needs met, and then...he was going away. For a whole week! Which upset me, but he didn't seem to understand why. And I think that flare of neediness (as you so eloquently put it) is what prompted me to e-mail MC Sunday. Because I didn't want to bother T (even though he'd said he'd be checking e-mail), and I knew there was a chance MC could give me what I wanted (and he did.

[unaluna]

"Pleeeeeease?!" I used to say this, im trying to remember the context now. A, i KNOW it wasnt to my parents in any way shape or form. B, i did like to drag out that eeeeee sound! C, maybe i started it when my nephew was growing up? Not that anything was ever denied him, but it coulda been like, "pleeeeease can we open presents now?!" D. So i must have said it to current t. E. Pretty sure i used to say it to previous t, like about bagging up his shoes that gave off glue fumes. F. I probably most recently said it to my guy friend when he comes to swim with his wife, i like it when he pretends hes walking down the stairs into the deep end and disappears under water. So pretty much whenever im in the car with him, i will start that up.

I love playing whiny kid. There is some seriousness behind it, because it was never indulged when i was a kid. I wonder how im doing it now. By eating chocolate, probably.

[annielovesbacon]

I'm doing better now, but I still miss you. Just popping in to say hi. I hope you enjoyed your snow days, and I hope you are doing okay given the circumstances at the university right now.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

No, I don't see it as judging, but thanks for checking in about that. I think you're right that he's thrown by my attachment at this level this quickly. I mean, a couple weeks ago, while discussing attachment, he was like, "You've been seeing me what, 3 months?" And I said, "No, close to 5." And he asked how long I thought it took me to get attached to ex-T and MC. Which...was longer. At the time, I felt like he was judging me for getting attached so quickly. But when I asked about it later, he said they were two separate things. That he was just wondering how the attachment process with them had gone.

As you said, he does seem really responsive to feedback (unlike MC, who becomes Mr. Defensive). It's like he's really trying to understand what's going on with me, but maybe just...doesn't entirely get it. And I'm definitely hyperaware of people's responses, verbally, their body language, etc. It's part of the hypervigilance of anxiety and stuff that comes from childhood.

Thanks for saying I shouldn't be ashamed--I suspect if I tell T I feel that way, that he'll say he in no way meant to shame me--I know many of these feelings are coming from within instead of from him. I just keep thinking that when I talk to him about it, he's going to be thinking, "Oh God, she wants to talk about the relationship again...What did I do wrong this time?" Which...again, I need to talk to him about these feelings.

This is just a tiny thought, but also being on this forum , we are more aware and informed clients then most. We know what therapeutic alliances is and the importance of the relationship; we access what other T/clients relationships look like at differing stages etc. My T really expects all that to be his mystery, his tool box, his secret society. I wonder if you are a more educated client that to which he is used to meeting?

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

This is just a tiny thought, but also being on this forum , we are more aware and informed clients then most. We know what therapeutic alliances is and the importance of the relationship; we access what other T/clients relationships look like at differing stages etc. My T really expects all that to be his mystery, his tool box, his secret society. I wonder if you are a more educated client that to which he is used to meeting?

I think that makes total sense. I also told T that, because I've experienced attachment/transference (not sure if this is transference or just attachment) before, I'm more aware of the signs of it and how to label it. Like the first time, it was more, "What is happening to me? What's up with these feelings?" But now I know what they indicate. He seemed to understand that.

Also, since he works with a lot of teens and young adults, he is probably the first therapy experience for many of his clients. I like the idea of the mystery/toolbox/secret society thing! I think T referred to it as his "bag of tricks" or something like that. How T's only have so much in their bag of tricks, which may be why a particular T might not be as helpful after a certain length of time, they've tried all of them already.

[DP_2017]

I wish I was brave, I am not. I can never tell you how I really feel anymore. It's too risky. Losing you over feelings is not worth it, so I will just do as I've always done and keep them in. Not sure I'll ever learn to manage/process feelings like a normal person. I'm hopeless.

[junkDNA]

Are you gonna....you.know. reschedule with me.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Do your feelings if neediness flare up when you are actually getting your needs met? At least for me, I seem to go a long time without attending to my emotional needs but once someone helps fill some my brain goes crazy and I canÂ’t get enough.

THIS

It's like I tell myself that I don't deserve to have those needs met and that I am not good enough to have those needs met and convince myself that I can't have those needs met and can accept that - and then if someone comes along and does something that meets those needs, I get insanely hopeful that maybe it really is OK for someone like me to have something like that and crave it more than I did in the first place. And when that someone goes away, the lack of it hurts twice as much.

[AnnaBegins]

Why are you hurting me like this? You told me I could trust you...why are you hurting me like this?

[captgut]

I'm so tired. I should have stopped a long time ago. I... I don't know. I'm scared, but it'll be okay.

I remember you don't care... I'm sorry.

[Lemoncake]

You made me feel like I was worth something and told me that I wasn't "just" the sad girl You let me rage and attack you without ever snapping at me or turning nasty.We joked about your hair and talked about Macbeth in our last session. You said that you were here for me and I knew that you cared.

But I ran because I could. I couldn't stand your kindness or the way you looked at me. The sexual fantasy I briefly mentioned then clammed up about, after I talked about "weird guy" was about about you. I want you to tell me that I'm worthless, dirty, cheap and bad most of all.

Eventually you will stop calling.

[emeraldheart]

Dear T

Everything hurts and I want to die. I can't tell you this because I have this need to be composed in front of you. I think I am not doing therapy correctly.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
I suppose I have yet another thing to add to the list of updates/things to discuss, but it was expected at this point. Still disappointing. Sigh.
Miss you, even if I have some doubts about you,
LT

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by emeraldheart

Dear T

Everything hurts and I want to die. I can't tell you this because I have this need to be composed in front of you. I think I am not doing therapy correctly.

There is no right way. You're doing the best you can. Could you write out these thoughts and email them instead?

[emeraldheart]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

There is no right way. You're doing the best you can. Could you write out these thoughts and email them instead?

Thank you! I see him soon. So I will probably write something, bring it to the next session and see where to go from there. I am in that mindset where I feel like I need to show him that I am a person that has everything figured out. Which doesn’t make any sense, because why am I going to therapy and paying to talk to him if that’s the case?

Dear T,

Feelings hurt. Can I just leave my feelings in your office tomorrow? You are free to run them through the shredder because I have no use for them. Thanks.

[Anne2.0]

I wish I weren't traveling so much and I wish I was still seeing you once/week. And I wish that this were my appointment right now rather than the kid's. I don't want to wait 3 weeks for my own. [crybaby sounds here]

Exactly one week from now, down to the minute, I'll be sitting in your waiting room. I wonder if the new rug will be down yet. I wonder if you'll terminate with my crazy self.

[DP_2017]

Thanks for texting so long today, put me in a good mood for the weekend. It's the little things...

Love you. And I know you love me. Sometimes I wonder whether we are remaining therapeutic or whether we love each other too much.