Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Funeral today, you tomorrow 🎢🎢🎢

Dear T,

Thank you for calling me back. I'm glad the clinic line relayed the message. Thank you for asking me to focus on your voice to ground. Thank you for supporting me in using coping skills and countering schema distortions using the schema diary. Thank you for reminding me I'm doing my best, that I'm dealing with quite a lot and I won't know everything magically. I'm glad you pointed out C has been, and is still pretty much, a effing bully. That I'm not aggressive if I quote her words back to her and tell her to quit talking to me like that.

Thank you for reminding me I've rights to protect myself because I often feel I'm subhuman and don't have any rights. And for reminding me that sometimes I gotta lay down consequences so people won't keep disregarding and disrespecting me in my role as manager.

Hi T,

So basically what you're saying... Either my reaction is due to trauma... or it really just "is that way", in which case there's probably not much we can do about it? So much for not feeling helpless...

*******
Pdoc,
I have no GP. I called 5 possible GP's to ask if they'd to the blood tests you requested. Noone takes new patients. So much for feeling helpless and like no one cares.

Dear T,
I look to you as a maternal figure even though your not really old enough to be my mom

What are 'best wishes', anyway? Are they really the best of wishes? If they are, does that mean they're better than the last wishes you sent me, which at that time were the best, and you're beating your own record every time? The wishes must be really bloody good by now. It must be exhausting for you.

The light in my retreat cottage is just right for what would be a sunrise if it weren't so grey. I've opened the door to the deck so I can hear the birds. The trees look sad, holding up their arms with the tiniest of buds, I think I can feel their desire for a green spring. The daffodils have bloomed and dried in the vase by the window. The little lake needs a refill to cover up the muddy banks, but the horses look happy munching the bright green grass in the pasture, the chickens winding underneath them to steal what must be the choice bits. I like this place. The solitude (only non humans within eyesight or hearing) is perfect. I hope you are enjoying your retreat with people far away. Logging out now to commence retreat activities.

So I'm not quite ready to log out. You know you're in a quiet setting when the only thing you can hear is the sound of the heating tea kettle. I want to listen to music but also don't want to cover up the silence. If that makes any sense. Commencing retreat activities NOW . . . . and thank you for the edit button.

Go LT's therapist. And all 3. Awesome stuff. Though just a tad jealous. I can't ever see my evenue contemplating it never mind giving it. Oh well. Very happy for you

MLK,

It was good that I canceled with you this morning. I had Indian food last night and the yogurt dishes dont agree with me sometimes. Unfortunately, I won’t learn my lesson. I hope I can plan a way to get genuine Indian dishes next fall. I never used to have a problem when the dishes were authentic.

My cousin, invited me to hook up with her on adventure trip. She le me know I have been a long-lost cousin for too long. I’m almost hesitant to discuss it with you, especially because I can’t afford to pay your ~ $8.33 an hour. The cousin is paying for everything, but still it seems weird. I know you won’t begrudge me.

If I don’t get back to work and meet these two deadlines this week I’ll have no choice but to pack up and move back home with Mom and Dad to my old bedroom. A couple days ago I asked mom if my bedroom is still there. She said, yes, but not so for the siblings. YIKES!

........

Oops, T. Re-reading the email i wrote last night-some of it makes little sense. Too much bourbon. Just slightly ashamed.

T will you just fax me the g*d***n letter? At our session last week you agreed to write it and to fax it but I have not received it. I have asked several times now and I need it for my appointment with Occ Health tomorrow or else I won't be able to go back to work on Thursday.

(This would be a lot easier if you weren't so f*****g difficult to get a hold of and/or the secretaries in your office were at least marginally competent--God only knows if they relayed my message/fax number, hence me calling to leave a message on your cell. But of course if they did relay the message as promised, I am now Being Annoying And Needy by calling to pester you. But I really really do need that letter before 11:30 tomorrow or else me going back to work will be delayed *yet again* and I might actually lose my mind.)

So will you just ****ing do it please?

T,

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-LabRat

T,

Self harm TW:

I get to see you tomorrow, T. Don't be mad.

There is something wrong with my thinking. Why do I immediately assume you would be mad about having to see me?

i'm just a number

I want you to think I'm special, but that's also how things went wrong with the two previous therapists I'd seen long term. In other ways I don't want the responsibility of being special. I want the safety and security of not being treated as special.

Finally literally a week later she refills the medication and it took numerous phone calls from the pharmacy to her office and finally I called the pharmacy yet again hoping maybe she’d get the yet and bingo she did. I guess I finally wore her down?? I’m sure she’s thinking fine fine I’m tired of these messages I’ll refill it alright? I can only imagine what she’ll do when my bipolar medication needs refilled this outta be fun.

Be safe. Please.

Dear T,
I survived the marathon of interviews! No idea how I did, but I got through them. Having the stone and note there helped, I think. It felt like you were there with me. (And remind me to tell you what the building used to be.) I'll give you the details Thursday. I think this is going to be a very long week waiting to find out, but at least I have a couple concerts to look forward to in between (just the way the timing worked out). So I'll do my best not to obsess over everything I should and shouldn't have said...but then you know how my mind works.
Love you,
LT

My jealousy/envy is killing me

I can't concentrate. I left your office today and I am a mess. My mind if going a thousand miles and hour and I am overthinking and second guessing EVERYTHING. I need it all to stop. Please, take it away. Make it stop.....I need it to stop.

you are so much on my thoughts today...

I miss you, S. My new pdoc is fine, but... I miss you. Gosh, I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I've been holding off on emailing you how I'm doing, as you requested, because I've sort of been saving that as a last time I get to hear from you.

I know I am a little more needy right now, and I contact you more in between sessions when I am down like that. I hope I am I am not over doing it.

But please read and respond to the email.. being alone tomorrow is not a good idea for me. So, I was hoping to check in maybe by phone call or text. I am not quiet sure what I or you would say, but I need that something in my day to do.