Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I just hop from one self-destructive behavior to the next. One day it's not eating. The next day it's alcohol. Then pills. Then self harm. Rinse and repeat. What the hell? I don't understand myself.

I thought this morning about what it's like to live with fewer defenses than I used to have, about the cost of defenses in terms of anxiety and PTSD, how it feels freeing to drop the protective armour, to be more myself than I ever have. For many years I lived as if I were under attack, always saw the worst in people and jumped to negative conclusions at the first hint of things not going as expected. Now it's better to see the benign in possibilities and ditch a little of the pessimism and sarcasm.

I love the U2 song "BAD" .

Another good one!

Talking about hugging makes hugging that much more scary

Thanks for being awesome as usual. I will try to get though most of the book you loaned me for my trip. Will be good thing to discuss Tuesday. I miss you.

I wish u would say something to me...

I can't believe I'm not gonna bloody see you tomorrow. Why do I feel annoyed with you?

Miss you... Do you exist? Can I miss you if you don't exist? Can I do anything except miss you if you don't exist?

T,

I met the worst GP today.


Irrational me is saying that this is your fault. You and pdoc made me go after all.

It has been a rough day already and it is not even noon. I haven't even taught my first class.

And given the drama-queen meeting this afternoon, it won't get better for some time.

Any chance for a hug after our month break?? Please???

When I said "sometimes I feel like you can fill that void" thank you for not rejecting me. Thank you for not reminding me of what I already know: that you can't. Thank you for exploring that feeling with me. It took us somewhere more productive.

Thanks for not canceling tomorrow like I'd wanted. I figured out something kinda big and I wanna talk about it.

I think.

But first I gotta get through presenting my team huddle in about 45 minutes, during which I'm going to read one of my poems. I'm going to pretend I'm reading it to you only instead of to the 20+ people on my team. Thank goodness it's via WebEx and not in person!!

I had a relatively good day. Got through 9 cards. Total done 104. Just another 100 left. xD

.........................

T,

So, um, I'm really good at internet sleuthing. It's a long story. But I intentionally haven't internet stalked you. But I was surprised that your years in practice listed on your professional profile would mean you had to be a lot older than I thought you were. So I did the very basic level few minutes of googling. Nothing in depth. I just wanted to find out your age which is often listed on those lookup pages because it's a matter of public record. I was worried that your age would mean you might retire in the next few years.
Anyway, you know your home address and home phone number are listed online, right? And it's super easy to find. It took me less than 5 minutes and I was intentionally trying not to be invasive in my search.
I feel like that's something you should be aware of, but I don't want to admit to googling you. And I swear I wasn't trying to find it or to pry into your private life. But I somehow suspect that assuring you that if I really wanted to internet stalk you I could have found a lot more than that wouldn't reassure you.
Also, you're like a decade older than I thought you were, which I'm now worried about.

I miss you.....fcuk.

T,

Last session was a disaster, please let my next one be better. I don't know if I did something wrong or said something wrong.... maybe talking with your colleague was a really really bad idea because you seem super distant now. Can I just cancel my next appointment? Please?

I did it, t! You're gonna be proud of me.

I'm terrified about tomorrow. I feel like there's no possible good outcome. I wish you could come with me and advocate for me, I turn into a speechless submissive idiot when there's a doctor in front of me.

I wish you could just come and hold my hand.



eta: would it be bad to email you again?

I saw your doppelganger on the train today and thought I am gonna have a heart attack for a moment.

T: I am so stupid! I just realized that when I walked in on Monday, and you made that comment about a word, it was because it was what i titled my previous e-mail the week before and you were re-reading it. ha! I thought it was such a fun word that I titled it to my e-mail this week, completely not realizing the word was MINE.

I. AM. AN. IDIOT.

Also: I should stop writing you e-mails while drinking. That is the main problem.

OK I admit it. I am really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow after work.

Well that was too bad, all done. Even starting to sober up.

I am glad you are back.