Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Hi, I sure hope this is not the weekend you are out of town. I think it might be.

ETA. Ok so you replied with one of your template responses. Not what I wanted. I am not upset by this. Does it mean I'm close to no longer needing to email you? It does feel like there is no point in emailing you. Is that progress?

T,
Am I fixable or a lost cause? I know I have made progress but this is so scary because I know I am me, but it's like, whatever. I have the skills to do well at this job, but I don't have the character not to be a nuisance. I don't know if I am articulating it well enough, but this is sinking me, I am really despondent/devastated, etc., about this. Am I helpable? Or a lost cause? I really wish that you would tell me that I am okay. help

feeling like I wanna talk to u. I guess bc I saw baby t and it made me think of you. I don't really have anything to say though

It was so hard waiting for you to get back to me about restarting, I actually started feeling suicidal as an outlet for my distress. I didn’t know why. It didn’t seem to be about anything - I just felt like I wanted to die. Until you got in touch about my new weekly therapy time and then I didn’t want to die. I think it was attachment pain. I don’t know. I’m just glad it went away.

80 minutes until I see you for the first time since I admitted my attachment issues and attachment to you.

I think it's probably more important for us to talk about this than about Bad Idea Guy. I can talk to other people about him.
I talked to my best friend, and I actually talked to my boss/PhD advisor about him for like an hour today (my advisor is in NA and has like 35 years clean, so he gets it in a way my best friend can't, and he has a lot of years of experience and insight. Of course I left out all the romantic and sex stuff in that convo)

My SH might be a topic. I'm not sure how much of it is related to what we discussed last week. Probably a lot more than I'd like to admit.

See you soon.

You don't f***ing exist...

I found the quote I was thinking of earlier. “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Can't wait to talk more about this stuff!!! Wish you still did Saturday appointments!

Oh, T! Seriously!? I was all like "oh, how sweet of you to write me on a friday night when you don't have to," when at the end you drop the bombshell that we can't meet on monday.

seriously?!

i don't even want to write you back.

edit: you didn't realize this last week when we met? Or bizarrely, all the times I contacted you this week?

You were messed up in my dream. A miserable, broken human being. I hope you aren't like that in real life. It made me sad.

I'm alone, everyone hates me, no one believes me. Every second is a pain. Everything is a lie.
I hope you'll be happy

why r my hands sweaty

idk why but I need you to see this

So... Filling a complaint it is... When you said that you'd be happy to help me with this... You better meant it. Because I don't think I can do this without you.

Today. I am going to do it today. I'm going to tackle the list of hard things that I have been avoiding dealing with. I should probably mention that I am partially doing this for you. I want you to be proud of me..... that's probably not a good sign but it is what it is.

😍😣😭

(eight characters)

going to moms bday dinner then bed then I get to go back home and see u

being here is triggering for me. but you know that

i slept all day today, T. just woke up. i still am upset about your (sort of) last minute cancellation for monday. i wonder if you'll contact me if i don't write you back? right now, i don't care.

I just feel so happy that I’m going to see you every week again

Dear t,

I really wish I could text you right now but you never gave me your number, I don't think you give it to any of your clients. I'm just really hurting right now and could use some support. I could e-mail you but I know you only check your e-mail when you are in the office so I won't get a reply until Monday the earliest. Maybe I'll e-mail you anyway.

-Butterfly

((Butterfly)) sorry you're hurting so much.

Dear T

I am furious at you, I am also quite sure it is not your fault at all so now I'm just fizzing by myself lol

Thank you

Ex-t,
You look awful. You look old, tired, unwell, and unpretty. Maybe you always did and I was too blind to see it. Or, maybe Karma is getting you good. No matter, I'm ok with it. I no longer take pity on you. You are nothing to me. You have become ugly to me, inside and out. Though I do not wish you harm, I do wish I could be there when you get your notice from the state board. I hope you are wearing Depends when that time comes.
AH

I want to email you. Just cuz you exist and you are in my life the way you are.