Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I can't do this. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above the water. using coping skills like no tomorro

but I can't do this alone

T,

I sent you that email and 20mins later I get a call from your office saying you had a cancellation for today and I wasn’t scheduled to see you until Wednesday. Did you make that happen? Or just a coincidence? Either way, it’s probably good I am coming in today.

T,
I still haven't self harmed. Just so you know. I've had strong urges but I've resisted them, mostly so that on Friday I can tell you that.

Dear T,
I’ve had it up to here with you! Tomorrow will be a week and you still haven’t refilled my medication what are you doing?? My ENT doctor just refilled my nasal spray no questions asked he just did it but you just sit there I guess doing whatever. I have enough problems I have kidney stones where I’m sick as a dog and I am afraid to call you because I know when I do call you sometimes you can be all chipper like sure no problem thanks for calling me I really do appreciate it and the next you seem annoyed so you can see my hesitation. I used to like you I really did I remember the time you said you loved my Harry Potter shirt and then we talked forever about Harry Potter and I also remember the day I talked about my rabbit and you saying how cute they were. I am really disappointed in you right now you used to be on the ball on refills but now it’s like oh whatever she can wait or maybe not I honestly don’t care at this point. Update I called her office and I admit I had annoyed voice but honestly I should right? I said will you please to call me back I waiting on a refill which she hasn’t refilled yet and the office said yes we will give her the message. I really hope she follows through and calls me back or maybe just maybe looks at the repeated faxes from the pharmacy that it needs to be refilled!!

Nothing is safe
Nowhere is safe
I don't care about me
But what about my daughter?

How are you?
I've recommend the clinic where I see you to my friend. She's not seeing you, she's seeing A. It was also my recommendation and she liked her.
But now I'm jealous that she will be meeting you in the waiting room sometimes.
Lol. I'm weird, I know.

I feel like I need to be more positive and stop complaining.


At work, I had another incident where a person was talking to me about things she basically thought I should be doing. I kindly redirected her to the person in charge of what I am supposed to do (who told me to do what I am doing). But it brings up those emotions and they smother me and it is impossible to be positive or to just not care. I do think that I handled it a little better, but I told someone about this and I wish I had just not worried about it. I need to remind myself, no matter how much it doesn't matter, to not react to things that bother me, maybe give it 24 hours.

You know how I told you that I feel powerless? I feel powerless because anybody at anytime can send me into that bad place, where my negative emotions drown me. And I am left to deal with them.

I am ready for Summer break.

Dear T,
You're really f***ing awesome. (And so far from the arrogant douchebag I thought you were at first...) Thanks for the stone (wondering if I can keep it on a more extended loan?) and surprise motivational note. When you hesitated when I first gave you the typed out request, I was afraid you were just going to outright say no. But then you ultimately gave me all 3 of the options I gave you (I know your holding the crystal I brought with me wasn't intentionally to "charge" it, but as you said, you ended up holding it anyway). And you seemed to like it so much that I might need to get you one at some point. You mentioned a couple things in there were from clients, so I assume you accept gifts, or maybe just at termination? Though, sorry, not getting you a huge one to put in your yard like you mentioned
Love you,
LT

Hi. I kinda miss you right now.
Me

t,

i’m so sorry you thought i had just quit without telling you. i promise i won’t do that to you. thanks for today. i love you.

me

Cardiologist on Thursday.

When I said Friday, I was touched that you said "are you sure you'll be okay?" Perhaps my definition of okay is different than yours, but I should be fine. I'll see you on May 4th.

i can't be in my head anymore
i can't be in my body anymore
i can't do this anymore

i messed up my missing my morning meds two days in a row, which is bad because that is when I take the recently added fifth med. it's like i should just prepare for the crash now. i was going to write but figured (1) there was nothing you could do about it and (2) I don't need another person frustrated with me right now.
I'm already worried about you being away next week and I haven't even made it to this week's appt.

I get envious too... I envy the clinic staff whom my T chatty with.

Did you pass away ( not likely) Are you on vacation ( No the office would of told me that) Did you get sick ( possible) but again you promised me in your ever so cheerful voice I’ll get that medication refilled!! I am still sitting here no refills no nothing and would you believe I hate to admit it cyberstalked your Instagram and I saw the same photos of you and the hubby just making sure you were okay but it was the same nothing changed nothing updated. I truly am confused are you doing some sort of mind tricks with me? I shouldn’t be ocd but as you know I have ocd and depression and when the ocd kicks in I get depressed which doesn’t help me. I need the medication to keep me stable and you aren’t refilling it thanks so much not so nice lady.

Dear T,
I think the main reason I was so horribly anxious during the first half of session was fear of asking your for the transitional object. Maybe you realized that after I did it? But then...maybe it really was mostly about the interviews, and like you said, I got some of the anxiety out with you? Or it was a mix of both?

This probably sounds so pathetic, but you telling me to just be myself makes me think that you feel I'm an OK person, someone that people would want to spend 4-5 years around (for the PhD thing). And that makes me feel better. I mean, not that I thought you'd say I needed to try to be someone else. Or that you'd imply that there's no way people would want to be around me regularly for that long (because that would have really hurt).

But still...as pathetic as this may sound...it makes me feel like *you're* OK hanging around with me. That, to use your analogy, you'd be OK being in the same fish tank as me. That means a lot.
Love,
LT

I'm so lucky to have you as a T. Thanks for the email about scheduling and the reassurance I asked for. I shouldn't need you so much.

Dear Ex-T,
I know you're the one who helped inspire me to pursue the PhD. So you should be someone I'd reach out to, at least to let you know I got the interview. But...our last e-mail exchange was rather painful. Even though I'm pretty sure you'd respond with something like, "That's great, good luck" I can't take the chance of writing you right now. If by some crazy chance I do get accepted, yeah, I'll tell you. But just can't deal with your possible lack of response or a response that will feel lacking right now.

Why was I able to ask T for a transitional object 7 months in, but never felt OK asking you for one? Looking back...I don't think I ever felt quite safe with you. Maybe that's something I need to explore with T. Maybe it's mostly negative maternal transference. But still...it's not like you really tried to work on that with me, even as you knew it was going on...
--LT

Dear Dr. S,

Please be you tomorrow. I know this is all me, still... Please be happy to see me tomorrow.

Me

Have you called the office to remind her that she hasn't refilled your prescriptions? Maybe she got busy and forgot? It's a pretty big ball to drop, but check in with her on it.

having a panic attack just thinking about seeing you next week

Yup I did and I know my voice came off as annoyed but I was upset. I said I’ve been waiting for over ( almost) a week now Dr ( insert last name) said she would fax or call over the prescription she never really said she just said she would take care of it. I also mentioned I called the pharmacy and they called your office when I never heard anything and then they did it again but again no response. The office give the Dr the message and again no response. I should add she’s always very very good with handling my medication in fact it’s usually the next day sometimes that day she’s very very good so this is why I’m confused like did I do something? I mean did make a appointment in 3 weeks but maybe that’s when she will tell me it’s not working out but maybe it’s me overthinking.

T, last week's session was shite. pure and simple. and while you didn't help things, we were actually on completely the wrong topic and that was my fault. i'm ready to talk about you-know-what, and also not ready. but mostly ready. i think. sort of. maybe? ugh.

hopefully the email i just sent you makes more sense of it than this does. i wish i'd asked for a gentle response in case you're not feeling very gently inclined towards me after how bratty and obnoxious i was in places last week. keeping those kid parts under control can be difficult - kind of like herding cats. or.....kids

Please don't give up on me, I'm scared and I need you. Please. I've ruined everything. Again.