Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I ruin everything I touch. I don't want to be this person anymore.

The process continues to amaze me and those two back to back sessions were a little insight into understanding how things can open up and close back down with the support and space you and I have created. I can see and feel the benefits of being willing to face the things that are difficult and causes me stress and pain. This is where the years pay off, the trust that things will work out, the being able to strip off the peel and the b.s. covering up the real issue and just get to it.

But I also think that had you not offered a session the next day and we'd just proceeded to the next session scheduled ahead for three weeks, the opportunity to get to that stronger, more peaceful place would have been lost. Thank you for offering that. It's been a long time since I asked for more than a regular session each week or every other week per the last year. For you to offer what I never would have asked for myself-- that is what made all the difference.

I think the clarity that I've coming closer to, how things make more sense to me now, how I'm able to maneuver through the tough things in life without henny-pennying it or swinging to the opposite of numbing and stoicism, is where the last years have very much mattered. I like being able to weather the things that irritate me and/or hurt or feel stressful in a way that acknowledges them but doesn't give them any real power to dethrone me or what I'm trying to accomplish. I know what I want for myself and I see it unfolding gradually in front of me. Nothing is in my way.

I can't wait to see you on Wednesday. Even just a week feels an age. How am I ever going to survive the break?

I tried to make another collage today, as a lead in to the conversation I want to have with you this week...but I scared myself. Beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I can't face this and I want to be rid of it? I can't have both!

I'm not well

!!
Why are people causing me such misery and pain. WHY??? Tell them to mind their own business and leave me alone. They have damaged me beyond reason. I've tolerated this for years. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE!!

Well, the break is almost over. I only have today, tomorrow, and Tuesday to go. Hope you don't hate coming back to work too much.

Dear T,
While searching for something else (professional) in my e-mail, I came across a couple from the last year I was seeing ex-T. And wow, the way I wrote to her, some of the lines seemed so...almost submissive? Like "I feel a bit like a kid confessing to her mom something bad she did" (regarding e-mails/texts to...I guess he's now ex-MC?) and "I really hope you're not annoyed with/mad at me for sending a long e-mail. I understand if you would be."

I feel like my e-mails to you (OK, maybe not the first month) are so different in tone. Like, OK, there's probably some paternal (and maybe erotic) transference going on...but I don't feel that sort of submissive thing, that "I know I deserve for you to be mad at me." Yeah, I was worried about that with my telling you about watching the video, but it was just...different somehow. I don't know how to explain it.

And I had the realization the other day that I think, deep down, I realized that ex-MC was going to ultimately hurt me. And that's why I needed so much reassurance from him, and why it never seemed to hold for long. And, sadly, I was right.

I shouldn't be thinking about all this 2 days before my big interview, but there it is. Maybe in some way realizing that will help me to let go? Both of ex-MC and ex-T? (Thinking I'll postpone the discussion till the Thursday session, unless I need that to mourn the fact that I botched the interview so badly I'll never be able to show my face at that school again.)

For whatever reason--maybe your clearer boundaries? the fact that you consistently respond compassionately to the occasional distress e-mail, and within 24 hours? The seeming lack of countertransference, at least so far? Something else?--but I feel safer with you. I mean, maybe part of it was your sharing the story of your former client who stole to stone from your office, but I don't think I would have felt OK asking for a transitional object from either of them. And of course I'm scared to ask you and may need to hand you a printout of the request instead of saying it, but still.
Love you,
LT

PS: I think on my hypothetical "Come on, music seriously has never done anything for you? Then listen to this! It will change your mind!" mix tape for you, I need to include U2's "Ultraviolet," which is playing right now. Just...gorgeous. "Baby, baby, baby, light my way." That seems kind of therapy-appropriate, aside from the whole "baby" part... (I could replace the "baby" with the nickname I have for you, and it would scan in terms of rhythm, but you don't know about that--though I suspect it would just amuse you--and of course I can't post it here).

I don't think you realised what territory you were straying into at the end of last session.

LT — seriously, you’ll pick Ultraviolet from U2? Not With or Without You or Mysterious Ways? (My top 2 U2 picks).

ETA: Or I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For? Or even, Sunday Bloody Sunday?

Oh, I mostly went with that because iTunes happened to play it (and it has an effect on me). I'd probably pick With or Without You above that, actually...a defining moment for me with an ex was when we were walking somewhere, and that song was playing, and he said he'd never understood it. And I was like, "Really???" Like clearly he'd never been in that sort of relationship (which I had, in college, and, really, kind of at one point in high school). Or maybe he was, but just didn't get it. We split up (my choice) a few months later.

Another option: New Year's Day. And I have a strange weakness for "In a Little While," too. OK, maybe this will be a multivolume mix tape... "Here, T, here is 24 hours worth of music to listen to. If nothing at all in here speaks to you, I will have to question your human-ness."

My favorite one is Running to Stand Still, as it describes my life pretty perfectly minus the drug use. I also love Kite and Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own. Long name, good song.

Also my T was in Dublin when she was younger and somehow (she left out the details, so i think maybe some illegality was involved, lol) got into a private citizens-only show at a small pub and she said it was amazing. JEALOUS.

Oh wow, nice! My college BF looked kinda like a less-attractive version of Bono. (including long wavy hair).

Dear T,

This week is going to be a struggle. I am already embarrassed and overthinking and super anxious about my next session. I want to email you but I can't do that. Ugh. Can I run away now?

You said you weren't coming back until Tuesday I believe. But I'm praying you call back tomorrow and we schedule for Tuesday. I'm a hot mess.

Do you internally roll your eyes at me when I talk about feeling suicidal? Should I tell you how close I came Friday? I feel like a broken record. I don't want you to think I'm just wanting attention. Even though you once said I needed some attention.

I saw you at the game today. I saw you wave to someone. Is it pathetic that I wish you were waving at me? Do you remember where I told you I sit? Do you wonder if I'm there when you're at the game? How many of your other clients go to games?

NP: suicidal thoughts/feelings/actions are NOT just wanting attention. Even if it was, it still means you need help, and deserve it.

TW: for talk of cutting and suicide.




T,

The problem is, distracting myself only works for so long. So I spend most my mornings trying to convince myself to get out of bed, and then convince myself to actually leave my house. And the thing is I can be semi, kinda ok while out of the house. It does distract me. Then I come home and I am slowly reminded of all the things that suck about my life. Everybody goes to bed I try to distract by cleaning, eating, watching tv,but it’s stupid really, because in the long run I just end up cutting anyways, and daydreaming about killing myself. It’s all pointless.

I have no idea how I feel. Literally. My brain feels like a void, nothing is real, time is fake. Things I did this morning feel hazy. Things I did yesterday already feel like ancient history.

This makes me feel like I have nothing to talk about with you, because I have no feelings so there's nothing to dive into. I guess we could talk about why I feel nothing but I don't even know how to talk about it because... you know... I feel nothing

Email sent. I don't have the words to talk. I want to be alone where no one knows my name and I can hide behind my make up.

I spent most of this morning in bed. Only covering three oral cards. I have no idea how I'm going to get through exams.

things r still pretty bad.

Dear MLK,

Progress- inching slowly forward.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much at the moment. I wish there was something I could say to make it all better but I don't. Just keep reaching out here. I'm sure I'm not the only one who cares about you and is willing to support you.

Yup... I want to retreat again. I should not have been so vulnerable with you. I will have nothing to say to you this evening...