Couch 166: The Un-hex-hexed Couch

Just call me the Oracle of the Couch.

That spaghetti I made yesterday in my instant pot, well after it sat for awhile the pasta apparently soaked up a bunch of the sauce lol so it was pretty dry. I divided it into two containers and added half a jar of spaghetti sauce to each one of them. Now I have an even bigger **** ton of spaghetti haha! My son will be able to take it to work for lunch all week!

I'm not saying that encouraging contact isn't well-intentioned and genuine and ethical (I don't think it has anything to do with personal guilt--that would be a bad sign). But it is also a standard guideline of practice for a T to protect their liability in such cases by documenting outreach. In this case, it isn't a matter of increasing sessions because sessions are already intensive and the situation hasn't abated. Now he's also pushing for a skills class. That's also a sign that he recognizes the current interventions aren't enough. Whether or not it's the appropriate intervention, I have my doubts, but it may be all there is to offer.

I don't know why I'm so ****ed up. I don't want to be.

You aren't messed up, NP. You've been through a horrible ordeal, and years of abuse before that. If your therapist, or anyone else, thinks that you'll magically get better, they don't understand how trauma works. I think your therapist is doing the best he can in a miserable situation. I agree with feral. You need a great deal of care right now, and that's okay. You deserve to be cared for.

When I posted what I did, it was in no way related to what you're going through. I'm struggling to figure out my own therapist's motivations for encouraging outside contact. Sorry if the exchange was hurtful.

I think it would be worth asking whether he specializes in trauma. My understanding is that digging into a client's trauma without proper and specific training is A Very Bad Idea, even for a kind, well-meaning, otherwise skilled therapist. If he doesn't specialize in trauma, I don't think you would necessarily have to stop seeing him because I know his support is really important to you, but maybe you could add some tailored trauma help from an additional therapist or resource. From my reading, it does seem like EMDR is exactly suited for helping with specific traumatic events like the fire.

It is tough to feel like your T is pressuring you to do something or judging you for not healing fast enough (whatever that even means!). But I do think that you don't deserve to feel so miserable and overwhelmed all the time, particularly when there might be something readily available to you that could ease your suffering. Unfortunately, finding that thing (whether it's EMDR, DBT, medication, meditation, yoga, support groups, or whatever) might take a bit of trial and error. Your T can probably connect you to those resources and support you while you try them out. You just seem so close to the end of your rope sometimes that I really hope you're willing to take some risks and try something different. It would be great for you to get back to where life feels worth living.

It wasn't this exchange at all. I'm just feeling damaged and vulnerable and stupid because of this whole DBT thing.

Ugh I hate getting jumpy like this

Thanks. I feel better that I'm not the only one whose therapist applauds the fact that I am not drooling. She's said that other people/couples are not as happy as they seem, but then backtracked later and said she wasn't saying people aren't happy. She does encourage me to connect with others, but they are the usual suspects--neighbors and co-workers--and it's just not all that fulfilling. Una is kind of right when she says some of it may be my therapist's sense that I will end up in more bad situations until I get myself in order, but time is running out and she will be retiring in less time than I've been in therapy--we are on the downslope.

NP, your therapist is only offering what he can think of to augment his shortcomings, but that's not the only solution. I agree with others that you can come up with some ideas for yourself besides DBT. An EMDR therapist, trauma-based yoga or anything to get some good feelings back into your body (swimming, zumba, hiking--something taxing), or trying another group (a 12 step for example). I would trust that he's telling you the truth, that he's worried he isn't helping you; but he's not abandoning you, just looking for other help in addition, and that's a good thing.

Hi all, just got up from a nap

Whatever happened with the yellowjackets?

Navajo rabbit, Couch. The **** keeps coming.

If I were asked to fill out a 26 page form, plus an intake interview, in order to then join a group of people I don't know, to pursue a modality that I don't even know will help, I'd be feeling pretty damn vulnerable, too. And I'm not post trauma.

I haven't seen them in a while, so I'm going on the assumption that they couldn't find anything to eat in my house and left the way they came in.

Oh, and the ducklings hatched. This photo is terrible quality. I have a video too, but it doesn't look like I can upload it here.

Thanks for this.

Art--on a completely different note, check out the May/June issue of Eating Well. It's not a magazine I often read, but this issue is their yearly focus on veggies issue and I saw a bunch of great sounding recipes. There's also an article on climate change and cattle ranching in Tuscon!

Awww! Cute little ducklings!

Cool thank you! I will check it out! I was just looking at that type magazine at Sprouts this morning (local produce market). The line moved so quickly though I didn't get a chance to thumb through any!

Where are slow check-out lines when you need them!

I hear you on the fulfilling bit.

Blondie’s suggestion has been that if I join some sort of activity, I’d get to know people over time and then somehow have deeper connections.

I know that’s totally logical except it’s the opposite of how my brain functions.

Part of my issue — and I don’t know if this is true for you — has been a craving for intensity in all relationships.

That’s partly coming from a place of effed-up-ness — there is quite a bit written on how trauma of certain sorts predisposes one to feel bored when nothing adrenaline-spiking is happening (and I can see similar patterns in how I tend to work as well — best under deadline pressure or I find myself gawdawfully bored).

But, maybe that’s also partly cultural vestiges (the idea that you could hang out for hours on end, sipping tea, with someone you just met and discuss pretty much everything under the sun is kinda something deeply ingrained — and, it’s not like I haven’t done that here but it’s been rather rare).

So, I don’t know — I’ve found it interesting that as people grow older, they’re seemingly far less discriminating in who they hang out with. Pretty much anyone who agrees to hang out, has somewhat similar interests and is willing to carry on a conversation is the bar it seems. This is also true as I’ve noticed for people who are coupled (and who you’d think have a lot of other options).

And, in that sense, I’ve noticed that things that would’ve upset me greatly — things I’ve sort of said and done to other folks — actually seem to roll off people’s backs (or maybe not but seems like it) and they’re willing to let the fact that there was / is something resembling a connection between us, be the primary motivating force to reach out to me (for which of course, I am immensely grateful).

I guess I also wonder then if I’m — given how my life hasn’t followed a sort of typical path in terms of relationships— sort of holding on to a version of me that I’d have otherwise moved away from, were I to have followed a similar path to my peers.

I don’t know — I find myself examining people like an alien species and am rather puzzled a lot, I should say.

AY, I find I've become more discriminating about friends with age. It's true for me that I'm more tolerant in the face of casual company, but at the same time, I'm more content keeping my own company and have no desire for drama as the price to pay for friendship. My old friends seem to feel the same way. It's an odd dichotomy of being more open to relationships, but equally content to cut bait and run rather than pursue unsatisfying company.

FWIW, ruh roh, I've generally found in my life that when I've felt most settled in myself is when relationship options come out of the woodwork. As though it's like pheromones! Maybe this is what your T is trying to express--not to settle for aloneness forever.

Ah, that is true about the threshold for drama.

I guess I should've clarified that, by intensity, I largely mean deeper conversations -- then again, I suppose the definition of what is deep is so subjective.

(Off-topic and random) Btw, FKM, if you haven't read Min Jin Lee's 'Pachinko' as yet, I highly recommend it (it's about a Korean immigrant family's life in Japan over generations, starting from pre-WWII).

Fascinating bits of history.

ooooh---that is definitely going on my Kindle. I have a lot of up close and personal experiences with Zainichi (ethnic Korean) students in Japan. It plays out in really surprising ways.

I do think what may appear as less discriminating attitudes may be a reflection of a willingness to take people as they are, accepting ambivalence, and not expecting people to fulfill needs they can't fulfill. I think it's natural from infant days when it's strongest, to weakening with maturity, to seek everything from everybody--but that's not realistic. So over time, that recognition grows as the pressure of needs lessens.