[ScarletPimpernel]

I know a lot of us have had some bad experiences with Ts. Does the pain that they cause ever go away? Or is it forever a part of you? Haunting you? I know gets better over time, but for me, I would think 3 years is long enough to let go. Is there anything you have done to help you get past this?

I have found another T and we have talked a lot about it. I tried to get closure directly from T, but that failed. I've gone through my emails and got rid of all the unimportant ones. I've put everything from her in a box and put it in the closet. And I filed a grievance, but that failed too.

I got triggered tonight because I watched an episode of Lethal Weapon, and the therapist on there reminded me of my ex-T. I almost cried. Is it crazy that I still miss her? That I still want to write her to try to get closure? That I still hurt?

Am I ever going to let it go enough to finally trust current T and completely separate the two? I feel like I'm cheating on my T because of my feelings for ex-T.

This thread is NOT meant to bash Ts or therapy in general! If you feel the need to do that, there are other threads about that.

[inmydreams]

I am 3 yrs in the same boat .I honestly feel like i will never get over my ex T .
I have done everything that you have. I've deleted all the emails,text messages, put stuff away in the bottom of my wardrobe in a box or thrown stuff way .I've had extensive therapy with a new T and still the pain is there
I wrote to ex T 6 months after termination to get closure .It didnt work .I wrote pages .....she answered in 5 lines .I felt even more hurt and rejected.
My next move is to see a hypnotist who can, they think, break my attachment with former T. At this point I will try anything !
Hugs if you will receive them .I know how painful it is .I hope you find peace soon .

[LostOnTheTrail]

Interesting thread. I'm going to be watching closely, even though my situation is a little different. I got 'burned' pretty badly by ex-T, and that is impeding my ability to trust current T, even nearly two years on.

'You're safe, Lost.'

I hear you, and I wish I could believe it.

We're doing the work, and I guess that's all that matters.

I don't think we completely let go of our betrayals, but they're kind of integrated.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T reassures me all the time that she's there, she's not going to abandon me, and she's not going to do what ex-T did. I believe it when she says it, but as time goes on, I start to doubt it and need reassurance again. I feel bad for my T, that my mistrust in ex-T still affects our relationship.

I wasn't in long term therapy with the ex T who harmed me. I only had 4 sessions with him. Yet things he said 4-5 years on still affect my trust of my current therapist.

Once you've done enough work on you it does.
You've given a lot of yourself away with that T. One you reclaim that part of yourself. The pain goes.

[Erebos]

Not the same thing but, my friends and I have a pity party then a wake then a bonfire, after the break up of a long term relationship or a situation where we felt we didn't get closure.
This is of course not as simple, since you don't share this kind of thing with people, like you would a marriage break up.
But I think there is a lot to be said for allowing yourself a grieving process, then the opportunity to give thanks for what good there is in our lives.
As for burning things...fire is symbolic of cleansing, also once those things are alight you can't dig them back up again.

Don't get me wrong I don't believe this is the answer for all.
And betrayal by your T is on a whole different level.
But it's just a thought.

[precaryous]

I’m not over the exploitative psychiatrists. I am still furious with one and am ambivalent about the other. You’re right, the intensity of my feelings have lessened over time but intense feelings still pop up with certain reminders.

Then there is the ‘good’ subsequent therapist. I still dream about her. I miss her. We stay in contact but I miss seeing her.

For a time, I mourned CurrentT was not more like the good subsuqent T. But over these last four years I see Current T as herself....her own person with her own strengths that are meaningful, generous and useful for me. When I part with Current T, I won’t be grieving the loss of Current T with the facade of the good subsequent T, I will be missing Current T, genuinely.

This may be oversimplified but I read somewhere:
‘Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.’ - Jamie Anderson

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

My T reassures me all the time that she's there, she's not going to abandon me, and she's not going to do what ex-T did. I believe it when she says it, but as time goes on, I start to doubt it and need reassurance again. I feel bad for my T, that my mistrust in ex-T still affects our relationship.

I understand. Ex-MC didn't technically abandon me, but he really hurt me. And it's making it harder to trust current T. Like things have been going really well with him lately--he's seemed really supportive and caring. Part of me feels good about that, but then the other part just keeps thinking it's only a matter of time before he hurts me, too. So I want reassurance, but then I worry that regularly asking for reassurance will annoy him and mess things up. May be talking about some of this with him today...

[DP_2017]

From what I've read on here many times, it seems most people have to see another therapist to get past hurt from previous, in some ways it feels like a never ending cycle

I have no personal experience as I've really just had this current T. I do know he will hurt me though, that's the only way this ends.... and I'm unsure how I'll ever cope. Right now my plan is to stay in therapy forever even if I don't need it

[atisketatasket]

I’m way behind you on this temporally, so I don’t know. I’m assuming it’s like grief, it will fade over time but occasionally rear its ugly head in response to a trigger and be there in full force.

I do think the more important the therapist was to one or the more one cared for them, the longer it will take.

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

Once you've done enough work on you it does.
You've given a lot of yourself away with that T. One you reclaim that part of yourself. The pain goes.

I wonder if that's what my t was talking about 2 weeks ago when she told me "You're getting closer to something that I've been holding for you." I didn't ask her what she meant (now I wish I had!) but this makes me think maybe that's what she was talking about - I've given a lot myself away with her - and am getting closer to reclaiming it for myself? Thanks for this, mouse.

[Sheffield]

I've only had the one therapist and am in the midst of this horrific break up drama-he didn't terminate me but manipulated me into saying and behaving in ways that are NOT me by his refusal to discuss his floppy boundaries and things he said-he just stopped speaking to me in session-I asked him if he was going to respond -NO
I asked him if he was going to just sit there-YES
This has been humiliating/degrading etc triggering in so many ways
No response to polite email/text and I don't think he will-I just want an explanation but they just hide and play "blank"- no responsibility no care for the damage done-fat fees(private here in UK)walk away
I think it was Nietzsche who said along the lines of "play with fire with a therapist and you will get burned"
It is truly horrific and I doubt its possible to recover as this person has been trusted with information not given to anyone else

[MRT6211]

I terminated with my harmful ex-T a little less than a year ago, but I’m in a similar place with how I feel like I need closure. I want to reach out to her and get that closure, but I know that I’m never going to get the closure that I need by doing that. So I’ve resisted the temptation thus far. One thing that has helped me let go of some of the pain she has caused me is going through the forgiveness process. Holding onto pain and anger doesn’t get you much, and as my T says, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness doesn’t absolve them of any of their wrongdoings, it’s soleley a process for you to gain some internal peace about it all. I would say I’m at the point where I’m not angry anymore, but still fairly hurt at times.

[coolibrarian]

It ebbs and flows.

[doogie]

I was hurt badly and then abandoned by my 1st T. The very first person I disclosed my trauma to, etc.... I did NOT think I would survive it nor did I think I could ever 'move on' with another T and learn to trust build a relationship and all that to do the work I needed to do.

I'm 6 years from that experience and on my 3rd T. Did the pain go away? Yes, it does. Do the effects of what happened still impact me? Yes, but less and less. What happened is more like a scar now. If that specific place gets rubbed (triggered) a little too much, then yes, it still hurts. But instead of becoming a huge, gushing wound again it just stings for a bit and then goes away. I don't know if I will ever be 'over' it, but the impact continues to lessen as I let myself trust my T and even more than that I have experiences that show me that my T is not like my first T.

I'm sorry you are facing this. It's SO HARD. Please know it does get a bit better with time. I hope the 'time' is short for you.

[AnnaBegins]

I don't know if it ever goes away - it certainly doesn't seem like it ever will.

Even if it does, the side effects may not. My T has hurt me so badly and lied to me so many times and broken my trust into a million tiny pieces so often that I don't know if I will EVER be able to trust and open up to another T. I think they could swear until the cows come home that they would never do what my T did to me and I would always feel like "that's what he said" and be afraid to show them all of me and tell them everything because sooner or later I'd be right back where I am now - in terrible pain and wishing I didn't exist.

[iGottaBme]

Yes, the pain does go away after a few years. My former T of ten years and I had a rupture that never truly healed. I tried everything to get our therapeutic relationship back to where it once was. He didn't officially terminate me but made it more difficult for me to get an appointment and wasn't really invested while in session. We didn't have a good-bye session. I found another therapist where I processed some of it. Then, I gave up on therapy and decided to be more accepting of my situation and just live my life.

I think that it was easier for me to heal because I did not contact my former T in any manner. I realized that I couldn't say enough or ask enough questions to make our termination okay. He was never going to own what I needed him to own. I was angry and hurt. The hurt felt like it would last forever but it didn't. Today, I see him and therapy, more realistically. I remember him fondly but also recognize that he wasn't necessarily the type of therapist that I needed. He still helped me immensely and I am grateful. Occasionally, I think about finding a reason to see him but I won't. Sometimes you cannot go back home again.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Yeah, my T told me to not contact her directly. I've had no communication, direct and indirect, with her for 2 years. I don't know why I torture myself with the idea that if I were to contact her, I could get closure.

One thing I have grown from is that I no longer miss ex-T as my T. To clarify, I'm happy with current T and wouldn't go back to ex-T. I couldn't. I'd never trust her again. And current T is much better of a T.

I dont think I will ever get completely over the pain that my ex T caused me when she dumped me out of nowhere. She promised me over and over that she would never do that to me. Then she did. No warning. Nothing. Just a quick “by the way, this is your last session” after many years.
I was completely abandoned, even though she knew that was a big issue for me and she repeatedly promised she wouldnt do that to me.
It changed me so deeply.
It upset me in so many ways. It made my soul ache for year and years.
Even now, ten years later, I still think of her and get a deep ache in my hear and get sad.
I think a part of that pain will always be in the background.

[Echos Myron redux]

It's 3 years and 5 months for me. It doesn't impact too much on my everyday living any more, but I can be triggered. A few months ago I was triggered into a panic attack when I heard a therapist describe acting towards their client in a way similar to how my first therapist acted towards me.
I think it does get better, but not overnight. What you went through was both traumatising and retraumatising. Trauma isn't an easy thing to recover from. And it isn't just 3 years ago, it's less than that when all of this was dragged up in a complaint. So try to be patient with yourself. You are doing really well.