Couch 166: The Un-hex-hexed Couch

Sorry you're struggling, JDNA. I know it sucks. Hugs if you want them.

I don't think t takes me seriously anymore

Junk

Can you get a back up T as well for the times when he isn't available? Or is the crisis line of use to you at all? I know it's not for everyone but it is an option. Just trying to help

Please stay safe JDNA. I'd also suggest contacting your T, tell him you're considering the hospital. You're on a fairly new med, right? Could it be a negative side effect of that? Maybe contact the person who prescribed it?

(((jdna)))

well I texted t but I don't know if he'll even respond. I took half a prn. I can't take a whole one bc I'm supposed to go to work at 2

Many hugs for you, junkdna

Someone please tell my brain very firmly to stop the banana skins thoughts already please? The radioactive banana skins thoughts keep coming back and won't GO AWAY again :/

@ whisper's brain:

Give them a break! Banana skins are harmless, and bananas can be yummy (for some people, I am not one of them...)

[Yikes super long rant ahead. Also I'm a jerk but at least I'm a self-aware jerk?]

Ack couch I just mentioned to my roommate that I was thinking of going on some kinda outside adventure today b/c I'm off work this afternoon and she asked if she could come along. That is like the last thing I am interested in.

My roommate and I are a good match in that we share cooking/chores well and are friendly with each other and don't throw loud parties... but she is a very neurotic grad student and is *always* complaining about stuff that I have a difficult time empathizing with, especially when I am not doing well. (E.g. I had just come home from a month-long hospitalization and like 30 minutes after I hit the door she was telling me about this email her advisor sent her. Or I'll walk in the door straight from the ICU and like literally still have blood on my shoes and she'll say, "omg I think my advisor likes this other person in my cohort more than me can you believe what she said" to which I have the desire to respond, "dude someone died in front of my face like 45 minutes ago I need a second before I can give a s*** about this.") And she seems incapable of talking about anything else--all conversations eventually lead to an analysis of her place on the academic totem pole, or complaints about how she has it harder than the rest of her cohort. And she is the sort of person who NEVER EVER SHUTS UP--sometimes on the weekends we'll have breakfast together and our record is THREE HOURS of her talking. Literally the only way to get her to stop is to be like "okay I have to go now" and physically leave the room--no hints are ever taken. (I think part of the problem is that she only has to go into campus one day a week and gets lonely and bored doing work at home alone.)

I know that comparing one person's suffering to another is Not Productive. So I therefore fully acknowledge that saying this makes me a Bad Person... but her problems seem pretty low-stakes compared to whether or not I die or whether or not my patients die. I know that academia is really important to her b/c it is her livelihood (and I have some ability to empathize b/c academic medicine is not without its interpersonal crap), but it takes a lot of psychological gymnastics for me to get to a place where I can be truly compassionate about it.

And frankly I do emotional labor all freaking day at my job and therefore don't have any more to give when I get home.... and it's not like she's my SO or anything; I don't have an obligation to be involved in her emotional life. (And I never ever talk with her about real personal issues--sometimes she gets nosy and asks but I don't get into it with her.)

So no I do not want to bring her along with me on a hike or whatever and listen to her complain. (And like what kind of person invites herself to stuff???) I guess my options are to a) not tell her in the future when I do stuff like this so she can't try to invite herself b) 'nad up and tell her I'd rather go alone c) ask her to stop spilling her guts to me b/c I am not in a place where I can be compassionate about it d) all of the above.

[HAHAHAAAA oh dear--in this post I'm doing the EXACT SAME THING my roommate does--complaining about something dumb among people with Actual Legitimate Problems, and being extremely longwinded. They say the things that bother you in others are the things you dislike about yourself...]

i would just tell her you want to be alone.

Yeah. That would be the Grown-Up response Next time it comes up I'll do that.

I recognize that this is a huge cliche, but I think the reason I get so riled up about this is b/c it echoes my relationship with my mom. She (my mom) can be pretty dramatic, and any kind of disagreement or dissent can lead to intense or prolonged reactions. (E.g. once when I was in high school I had just gotten home after a really long day and she was going on and on about a TV show. I was tired/stressed and still had homework and didn't want to keep talking about Lost, which I had never seen. I looked up from my cereal and said, "mom" in an annoyed voice, and she made me move my stuff out of my bedroom into the guest bedroom as punishment.) She also has trouble with boundaries (i.e. invading mine unless I repeatedly set very firm limits).

(thanks again y'all--writing this out really allows me to clarify what I'm actually thinking and feeling)

Ooof, yeah, mom stuff. When I get really riled up for seemingly no/minor reasons, it helps to step back and ask if something is reminding me of her. My T has ground this into my soul because of how many times she has stopped me mid-story to say, "You know who this [person or situation] reminds me of?" And godd@mn if she isn't right about 90% of the time.

I used to previously feel like I couldn't say no to people and went along with a lot of things I didn't like but felt like I had to eg a birthday party for someone I wasn't even very close to and when I didn't feel so well on top.

The book "the subtle art of not giving a f**k". Helped me take back control and it does get easier.

Chihirochild would it be easier to text her something like "sorry I've changed my plans" and just go anyway but not tell her?

Are people smoking banana skins again?! Boy wait long enough and everything really does come back in style.

(((Chiro))) how did it go? Maybe you can say something like, i do (or dont) want company this time, thanks for asking. But yeah the universe is definitely giving you want you need - practice in setting boundaries. Do you have Anne Katherines books on boundaries - i liked them the best.

Hmm yeah my t does something similar she'll say "does this remind you of anything?" Then wait while I catch up to her much quicker brain. And then I'm all "Oh."

I'm a pretty nice person. Many people who know me would say that I am generally kind and tactful. But in the situation above, I'd probably say that out loud, and not feel guilty about it.

chihiro, you're not the jerk here. The appropriate response to someone walking in the door after a day at the hospital with blood on their shoes is, "Are you ok? Want to talk about it? Let me get you a cup of tea," or similar, NOT "Let me unload the petty minutiae of my day on you."

Your roommate sounds like a boundary screaming to be set.

I don't think a roommate would know someone just died or that someone coming in had blood on shoes etc. I think it is fine to set boundaries, but I disagree that the room-mate should consider their stuff petty minutiae. I don't think either one is more important than the other.
I was doing death penalty work while my person was getting tenure. When I would come through the door, it was mostly hearing about her day at school. For me, while I certainly thought the stuff she was describing was sometimes silly spats between faculty members, it was stressful in terms of a livelihood - no tenure- no job. Sure my guy was going to be dead, but the truth is I did not get him there and there were limitations on what I could to save his life. So in some ways, her situation was more stressful than mine. And to be fair, I would not have talked about my stuff much anyway - so she might as well talk about hers. I think the trick is not listening all that closely. We did have an agreement that I would have 30 minutes after I got home to not have talking.

Thanks all for the empathy/advice/perspectives

I subverted today’s thing by a) when she first asked to come along I said “ maybe—depends on what I end up doing” and then b) going for a bike ride around the neighborhood (she can’t ride a bike, and only really wanted to come along if I was going in a proper adventure like driving to a lake or something). Next time she asks I won’t be caught off guard and will have some kind of “I’d rather be alone” phrase prepared. (Because this kind of situation is so steeped in my maternal muck, I’m not very fast on my feet... but if I’ve thought through ahead of time I can usually come up with an appropriate thing to say.)

To SD’s point, I do *cognitively* understand that my roommate’s do matter in terms of her career and her life. But in an irrational emotional way it *feels* less important. (Probably two parts self-centeredness on my part, one part whether-or-not-your-advisor-likes-you-is-less-important-than-someone-dying.)

Some of my irritation also stems from the fact that she is not my SO and I dont talk about my crap with her; therefore I don’t feel like I have any obligation to be thrown knee deep into her woes. Like I’m not saying I somehow have the right to be mean to her, I just want us to be the kind of roommates who like comment on the weather and water the plants while the other one is away and pay our rent on time and keep the apartment reasonably clean. Like I have thought about asking for ten minutes of not talking when I come home (because occasionally she will literally follow me into my bedroom after I walk through the door) but even the level of intensity where we have discussions about our relationship feels like more work than I want to put in here hahaaaa

Maybe I am just phobic re: intimacy and discussions of boundaries and want everything to be easy all the time...

The way I solve that "can I come with you?" problem is to a) make it clear that I don't slow down and b) follow through on not slowing down if they persist on coming along. It doesn't happen a second time because I am a fast walker/climber and I can't bear an ambling pace. Fast walking and hill climbing also cuts down on talking. If they are a super chatty person, I just say I need the walk to do work in my head, and they back off. I do creative work and walking helps me organize my thoughts.

CC - I understand what you are talking about and I don't think what you want is wrong or something you should not have in terms of the sort of relationship you want with a roommate, but I think to get it you will have to tell her what it is you want.

I'm sorry you're having such difficulties with your roommate, CC. Maybe she is lonely? I say this because I was hoping my roommate and I could be friends and she turned out to be a literal hermit who never talks to me. However, I recognize that it's not her job to be my friend and salve my loneliness. I reach out to her sometimes to do something with me, but I am always sure to make sure she knows there's no pressure (so of course, she always turns me down lol). Anyway, my point is that it's not your job to entertain your roommate. You've got enough on your plate without taking care of her needs. She has the option of looking elsewhere (even though it's really hard, as I know from personal experience) for someone to talk to. In fact, I'm surprised she hasn't made friends she can ***** to with other people in her cohort. My roommate is in grad school, too, and she has become close with a couple of her classmates. They come over and stay in her room with the door closed like our apartment is a dorm. It's actually kind of weird.

testing, testing 1 2 3 to see if i did a signature right

Didn’t have quite as productive a day as yesterday, because I was in bed till almost noon, but I’m making up for it now. Just finished cleaning the living/dining room, much to feline consternation—wait till I remove the sofa cover to wash it.

There is definitely something wrong with me. Normally I don’t enjoy cleaning or seek it out to do it. Sense of impending doom? Like always wear nice underwear in case you’re in a car accident?