Couch 166: The Un-hex-hexed Couch

Hope your session was helpful, Lost.

Once again, mental health professionals being classy:
DEAR ABBY: I strongly disagree with your answer to “Whiz-zard’s Wife.” You said you suspect the practice is not unusual. My husband doesn’t do it, my ex didn’t (except when he was drunk) and I’ve never seen my neighbors do it.

My husband says the guy is an exhibitionist. I say he’s lazy and ignorant.

However, I once knew a psychiatrist who confessed to occasionally “watering” the rubber tree in his outer office in this manner. I can’t imagine why he disclosed this to me, unless it was to coax me into sharing personal secrets. — ARIZONA ANNIE

https://chicago.suntimes.com/lifesty...mself-outside/

*hops in lost's pocket*

Thanks, all. Session went well, although it's one of those where I could sleep for a week afterwards.

I'm trying to figure out what to make of today's session. Parts of it were very helpful, the stuff around my being convinced that because I haven't heard back yet, I'm getting rejected for the PhD program. And my reactions to that--like, if it I hadn't been called to interview, would have just been about my credentials, or lack thereof. But because I spent hours interviewing, if they reject me now, it feels more about *me*, like as a person. Which T countered. And also some totally unrelated stuff about my mom.

But there was also some stuff where T seemed...weird. Like he's always been very evasive about his political beliefs, even as I've tried to get him to show his hand (like baiting him almost). But when some political stuff came up today, he seemed surprisingly open about his beliefs--from what I can tell, they're similar to mine (which isn't really a surprise, based on us both being from and living in the same state, which is quite consistently a particular color on the electoral map--at least for presidential elections).

And over the course of talking about my grad school application, GREs came up. He said what was on them when he took them, and I was saying how the one section was changed to something else (logic to written essay part) when I took them last year. He said to keep in mind that he'd taken them back in 1996. Then added, "I'm a lot older than you are, honey." To which I said, "Uh, no you're not. You're like 6 or 7 years older than me." (I wanted to be like, "honey?!?!") To which he said, "Are you about 40 then?" Me: "Yes, 41." T: "Oh, OK." I've seriously mentioned my age like every few sessions in there (In the sense of, "I'm 41, so blah blah blah"). I think he used "honey" again later in session, too, though I forget the context. And I don't recall him ever using that before. (And no, he's not from the South.)

He was also saying to text him when I hear from the program. I clarified, "You mean e-mail?" Because he'd said before how texting is just for scheduling, and even when I texted him a couple months ago requesting a phone call (because I thought he was going out of town and wouldn't have office hours) and explained why I wanted one, he'd said that was "intrusive." How if I'd just requested the call/session without saying why, it was fine, but not to explain why. But he said today it was fine to text him about that because it's big news about a topic we've discussed a lot in session. Which is just confusing. Think I'll just stick to e-mail to be safe. I think I'm just extra sensitive to inconsistent/unclear boundaries after the ex-MC stuff (though he was wildly inconsistent/unclear).

So...yeah, not sure what to make of all that. Again, some helpful stuff for sure, just...weird. I'd consider e-mailing him about it, but I know he's out tomorrow, and I see him Monday, so...will just discuss then, I think.

Mind on whatever he's doing on his long weekend maybe?

Honey, though...ick. The only people who get to call me that are my mother, partners, and elderly relatives. In other mouths it just sounds belittling to me. Particularly male to female.

I would stick to email though. If he won't observe boundaries, you probably should so as not to get hurt again.

I would go ballistic if a therapist called me honey. It sounds so patronizing to me.

Yeah, maybe he was distracted or already in vacation mode, so he was being more casual/chatty. (He did say at one point how that tends to happen with longer-term clients...guess maybe I am one now at about 8 months?) I think ex-T may have called me "honey" once (or maybe it was "dear"?), but she's also my mom's age and female. So different. Think I may have to mention that to him on Monday, awkward though that conversation will be...

And yes, I think I'll just stick to the original boundaries. There was just this feeling of "damn it, I thought consistent boundaries were your thing? You know what happened with MC!" Which I suppose is another potential topic. To stress the importance of clear and consistent boundaries for me. (Or, like you said, I could opt to just hold my own.)

I think I was sort of stunned into silence about that part. Especially since he was so wrong about the age thing, and that was easier to address on the spot.

Yeah, my T and I are tight and I enjoy her maternal side, but pet names would make me shudder.

I can't stand when people call me "honey" in general (including my spouse) but that's a somewhat separate issue. It generally sounds incredibly condescending to me, even in completely benign contexts.

Yeah but school is kind of a big deal, isnt it? Its like a once in a lifetime thing.

Not texting if you hear seems passive aggressive or withholding or fearful or untrusting or something. Self protective? Like transference in action. Youre planning on holding something from the past against him, on something that hasnt even happened yet.

When "they say" therapy is the relationship that heals, i think they mean the spontaneous stuff. The stuff that happens in the moment between 2 people.

I obviously have no idea of what your T is really like except for my interpretation of what you write about him on here but that does seem unlike him from what you have written before.

Originally I though it does seem like he is being inconsistent with the boundaries but maybe he just realizes it's okay to be a little bit flexible with certain things.

I find some days my T seems much much 'warmer' than usual and more conversational and he is usually pretty warm. Whilst he never has really changed boundaries there are times he has perhaps said more than he usually would. I put it down to the fact that he was just more relaxed on that day for whatever reason and forgot to go into full 'therapy mode' lol. I think that most therapists even when being mostly themselves go into 'therapy mode' where they have to be more cautious about what they do or say. Not that they are are lying all the time or anything (although I know lots on here will disagree) but just being more 'careful. It must be hard to maintain this consistency and sometimes it drops possibly even more so with long term clients. Kind of like when teachers are in teacher mode in a classroom and on a rare occasion they let loose and make an unusual joke. That's obviously just my opinion and may be completely wrong and may not even be what is happening in your situation.

I found out today that I didn't get the job I interviewed for. It's hard not to take it ridiculously personally. My logical mind doesn't understand why I'm crying over it. It's not like it was a position that's even in my chosen career path (I am currently a 29 year old college student). Although I think it would have suited me well, it's not some huge loss. I guess I just really don't have much experience with rejection, and it's hard to learn how to cope with it at this age. The only other two jobs I had were handed to me - one because I was a kid and my mom was friends with the boss, and one, I'd like to think, at least partly based on my own merits. I certainly didn't have to interview for them or compete directly against other candidates.

I feel so childish not being able to handle that someone else was better than me. I've struggled for a long time, since my late teens probably, ever since I started to have a certain self-awareness of my limitations and utter averageness, to understand the lurking dissonance caused by the mixed messages received from my parents and from the world. My parents, while often abusive in different ways, also led me to believe I was special and extraordinary. Ironically, in this way, I am not special or extraordinary at all! Anyway, that combined with my stunted life in terms of social, career, etc. aspects has made it even harder for me to face reality. I have a combination of self-doubt and grandiosity that is truly illogical.

I wish I didn't understand myself, but I do, and I hate what I see.

Edit: Also, LT, I was wondering if you'd heard anything, but I can't look back because I've wasted too much time already whining instead of studying for my last two finals.

I'm so sorry. I understand...in my first career, I pretty much applied for a job, got an interview, then got the job. Then when I tried to change careers (after getting a master's), I applied for like 50 jobs...only got 1 interview, thought that went really well, then was ultimately their second choice. Now, not sure what's going to happen with the PhD program (not looking good though). It can really hurt to get rejected for a job. Because self-worth can be tied into one's career. Not sure if any of what I'm saying helps, just trying to say I understand how painful it can be, and I'm sorry...

Agreed, it did seem unlike him, so that's what confused me.

This makes sense...I mean, it could be, too, in the beginning, he knew I pushed lots of boundaries with my marriage counselor--and ex-MC let me do that, too, and would relax his boundaries. So maybe T was trying to be particularly strict about his boundaries, because he was expecting me to keep pushing them. But then...for example, when he told me I had been intrusive with the one text, I haven't texted him about anything but scheduling since (and actually, one of those was an e-mail because it wasn't overly urgent). So maybe he realizes that once he's clear about boundaries, I *do* respect them. So than he's OK with loosening them a bit because he believes that I won't take advantage of them. Maybe I just had to prove myself, in a sense.

And for sharing more (like political stuff) in session, it could just be he's feeling more comfortable with me in general, so he's relaxing during session and letting more of himself in. Like just a natural progression of a relationship.

hey couch. hugs/headnods all around as appropriate/wanted!

So I got this idea on the way home today to do some work with my dream from night before last, where t and I are watching tv and she's on tv as part of a jury in deliberations. My idea is to write a story about said deliberations, where each of the jurors is a part of me. I can come up with only 6 jurors though. I'm gonna make up my own rules here. haha i've already started and this is fun.

Oh that's interesting--could you do 6 as parts of you and 6 as parts of T maybe?

Don’t some courts or states have six-man juries?

Also if she was on the jury don’t you just need 11?

I dunno if I could figure that out - that would be hard! But interesting!

I dunno.

Well that's true too. but I don't think I could come up with 11 that's a lot! Ah but it isn't really t in the dream. it's a part of me of course... that's what started all of this!

If I had to make guess LT I would imagine he let his 'guard' down and that he will probably be back to his old self the next session but I could be very wrong. It will be interseting to see how he responds if you bring it up. ....I'm with everyone else..the use of the word 'honey' would have weirded me out.

Each time my T has done something similar i.e more conversational or open he always seems to pull back again the next session. I don't know is it that he gets scared or what but it's happened a bit. Nothing quite as significant or obvious as calling me 'honey' though so I don't really feel I can bring it up as it could also all be me projecting.

ts wife came in the store I work at with BABY T

I got to say hi to baby t and he said hi back

=]]]

I think when people hear about "boundary pushing," they generally think about somebody who needs to do a lot of testing and limit-pushing to see what they can get away with or what the other person will allow. It's clear that you have the ability to make space for the other person's rules and preferences as long as they are consistent and you know what they are (MC seemed incapable of that last bit). So I'm guessing by now he knows that you have the emotional intelligence to generally not exceed his personal limits without him having to be really firm all the time. That said, he seems to have slightly ambivalent feelings about texts, so I would probably stick to email in your situation too.

I have found that my T is sometimes more chatty and reveals more about herself than her usual baseline. She definitely does that over the phone and sometimes in session too. I usually like it, and I think it has enhanced my understanding of her as a person and deepened our connection. It happens more now that I've been seeing her for a while and almost never happened in the beginning.

That's cool, JD!