Couch 166: The Un-hex-hexed Couch

And yeah, I don't have a "plan for my own recovery" because my husband set my ****ing house on fire and before that he spent 27 years systematically destroying my self-esteem. My entire life was upended. How do you plan for your own recovery from that? I know people have had it worse, but this has been tough on me.

But you don’t have to. Come up with a alternative plan of your own if you don’t want to do DBT.

I guess what I’m saying is, your husband manipulated you for twenty years or more. Your therapist is nothing like your husband, but don’t let him manipulate you either.

It is not easy to do and I have probably taken my resolution not to be manipulated like that ever again a little too far in the other direction—like if somebody tells me it’s their birthday I will not wish them a happy birthday as they’re fishing for me to do.

But refusing to be manipulated is a lot better than the alternative.

So hes taking the lead on that. Is that so bad? He is prodding you a bit. But he is not letting you see yourself as a burden.

I see you as a touchy-wouchy, huggy-wuggy, feely-weely therapist, with beanbag chairs in your office, lots of stuffed animals, and a welcome and goodbye hug at the door.

Lots of emoting and pearl-clutching, except in your case it’ll be an ankh of life or some such.

That would be me only in hell or a nightmare or if given a lobotomy.
Do they even still make bean bag chairs?

I think when Ts have a client who expresses suicidal thoughts/feelings, but they don't meet the criteria for hospitalization, they make a point of encouraging out of session contact as a CYA measure. Such calls benefit the T, regardless of whether or not they benefit the client.

There is no limit on how we're supposed to feel. Others may have it worse but at the end of the day- pain is pain. Sometimes the only thing we can do is just take it 10 minutes at a time. You do have choice and I can understand feeling cohered into saying yes to something you don't want to do. You're not a burden on your therapist- but telling you he feels worried about you suggests you need more support right now. Whilst you would still to continue seeing him, learning DBT skills could be helpful.When I first started therapy I didn't know what I was even feeling- just felt like I was being drowned by tsunami sized emotional waves. My therapist is purely psychodynamic, but I bought a DBT workbook too after it was recommend. I can still have extremely volatile days, but I learnt to self soothe and calm myself down a bit better.

In what way dod's encouraging out of session contact benefit the therapist? Simply from a place of CYA? A way to alleviate guilt should something happen to the client? "Oh, they (tried to) off themselves, but I did everything I could."

These aren't questions I expect you to answer, feral. Just pondering my own circumstances at the moment.

You've been through a ton, seriously. It's OK to not have a "recovery plan". You're still processing all the awful abuse.

This is a good idea. When my ex-p-doc wanted me to do the intensive outpatient program, I figured out an alternative plan for myself, including a safety plan, and presented that to ex-T (she hadn't even been in favor of the intensive outpatient to begin with). I think she then talked to ex-p-doc about it. I didn't completely follow that plan ultimately, but I think the act of coming up with one was helpful.

I forget whether your T does EMDR or if you've tried that, but would that be a possibility? That's been much more studied in terms of it helping with trauma and PTSD. I just did a search on DBT and PTSD, and it seems like their hasn't been much research on that yet, and the research that has been done has mainly been on people with and other complex trauma issues stemming from childhood rather than more recent trauma, like the fire. So could EMDR be a possibility?

If you do end up trying the DBT skills group, if you aren't finding it helpful (or if you're finding it triggering and it's making you worse), do you think your T would be understanding if you stopped going? That way you gave it a try. But I also completely understand the desire not to want to go at all, since ex-T once recommended DBT for me since she said I had difficulty regulating my emotions.

Seeing all the chores everyone does on weekends makes me feel more guilty I do nothing, but most certainly does not motivate me one iota. I literally slept all day yesterday.
NP, don't forget that all of this is YOUR choice. If you really, truly do not want to do DBT, don't do it. Your T is not forcing you to do this. I think he is very concerned and is trying other ways to help you become a little less dysregulated.Is he a trauma T? What you are going through is extremely traumatic, and "just" talking therapy may not be helpful, and doesn't seem to be, as you seem to be still as hopeless/suicidal as you were a few months ago.

I am not judging you AT ALL (believe me, i stay stuck in a loop of hopelessness way too much), just pointing out an observation as to why T is trying something else.

But, at the end of the day--this is your choice. If you are dead set against trying it, tell T that you don't want to. He hasn't given you an ultimatium that I can tell. Nor should he. He needs to accept you where you are, and if he can't deal with that, then maybe he isn't the T for you right now.

I understand what you mean about being told a reaction isn't normal. It's very pathologizing. I had this with ex-T, when she'd talk about how my transference for ex-MC was "as intense as it gets." It made me feel like a freak. Or how she'd talk about my OCD at times, particularly obsessive thoughts, and just seem judgmental about them. Or the fact that I was still struggling with anxiety and depression after X amount of time, implying that I should be better by now. Or she'd say how I'm intelligent and competent and imply that I should be able to manage things better...

And more recently, current T said I probably spend more time thinking about the relationship with him than any other client. I did tell him how that bothered me, and he said it was just an observation, not meant as a judgment, which made me feel better. And we've discussed it more since then, too. So I would talk to your T about how that made you feel. Has he worked much with trauma? If not, maybe he's just not familiar with how strongly it can affect people. But I definitely think you need to tell him how you feel. This might actually be more about him than you--that maybe he's unsure if he's helping you. But that's stuff he should deal with on his own, not share with you. He shouldn't be making you feel guilty about not being better.

What's CYA measure?

I honestly have no idea what his experience working with trauma is. I know he does PTSD evaluations.

CYA = 'covering your a.s.s' (not the original poster, but seen that statement used elsewhere here.)

Yes but now they cost $250.

Walmart has some: Only $49.88!

https://www.walmart.com/ip/The-Origi...08&athena=true



But I can picture SD with inflatable chairs, but no windows to prevent defenestration. (My favourite word I've learnt here).

A couple other posts have me wondering if therapists put more effort into getting people to end bad relationships than they do in trying to find or build good ones? In my experience, they focus a lot on who I need to distance myself from (family) but when it comes to finding new people, they seem to want me to find contentment as a loner. I get really frustrated with my therapist and have told her I think she has a lower standards for me than for herself, which she denies, but the fact is she has a rich, full life with people in it and I have just myself, a dog and a house. I do think that many therapists seem to feel it's good enough for people like me to just accept a lower quality of social life, as though accepting a minimal life is a worthy goal. It feels discriminatory to me.

My T is always encouraging me to go out to things, be more open with my current friends, and reach out to people for help. She has to be careful about how hard she pushes because it's easy for me to feel like she's trying to get rid of me or saying I rely on her too much, but I definitely think she encourages me to have stronger relationships. She hasn't expressed an opinion about ending the most toxic relationship in my life, but I have found that I'm less interested in having contact with that person the more I spend time with people who care about me and are nice to me.

I had a bright yellow bean bag chair when I was in high school, I loved it. I also had orange & yellow shag carpeting and orange beads hanging over my bedroom door. I was such a hippie haha

My T is the opposite. I am very isolated, and she is constantly talking about how having connections with other people will help me grow and heal, blah blah blah.

In terms of bean bag chairs...my friend had an amazing pouf type bean bag chair that was HUGE and so comfortable, and obviously from the 70s. I have been wanting one ever since.

In my experience, the bad relationships will taint any prospective new relationships. So maybe its a little like AA's policy - no new relationships until youve been sober for a year.

If it helps you feel better, Blondie’s attempts at consolation are even worse — she tells me things like how apparently I have “good language skills”, “(am) not socially awkward” (although I’ve told her she hasn’t seen my awkwardness) and that I’m “putting myself out there” (my taking woodwork classes).

Meanwhile, she also asked me if I wanted to see her three times a week.

The nice thing is I don’t envy her coz it doesn’t sound like she actually likes a whole lot of people she supposedly hangs out with (husband’s family, neighbors, tennis partners etc). There’s always a bit of a pause before she catches herself and says “they’re lovely people”.

It’s also easier to advise clients to leave bad relationships (because it’s obvious what to do) than form new ones (because that’s so dependent on so many uncontrollable factors).

That sounds profound, but is actually quite simple, or vice versa, i cant decide!

Awk - ditto my t, only he likes to quote Sartre - "Hell is other people."