Couch 166: The Un-hex-hexed Couch

Oh you two.

Una will be maternal, free of charge!

I love the old batman reruns on metv.

My husband just had that on TV.

This is one I don't remember

Maybe I'm weird, but knowing that I'm causing him anxiety does make me feel guilty. Yes, he wants to keep seeing me. There's a 9 month waiting list but he wants me to go to this twice a week skills group and I have to see him during that time. He also said on this phone call that (ok I can't remember exactly how he worded it) the amount of pain or how I'm reacting or something like that isn't normal. So now I feel like a freak now too. I'm thinking I may just quit telling him when I have a bad day at all and take a step back emotionally from the relationship. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose, bu I don't like feeling emotionally manipulated.

NP: I once had a T tell me that when our emotions seem out of proportion to the event, it is a sign that we are triggered: aka, this is reminding us of something that happened in the past, and we are partially reacting to that as well.

a perfect example for me just happened last night. i had a really tough week, and e-mailed AND called my T (in which she wrote an e-mail in response to my phone call), which was more than usual. i randomly checked my e-mail late last night to see that she wrote me. i was all like "Awww, that was sweet of T to write when she didn't have to!" The first part was fine, checking in on me...etc.

At the end she was like "PS: i need to cancel monday's session. hope we can talk on the phone during your lunch break one day."

I spiraled wayyyy down. I was furious at T. I contemplated quitting therapy. I had SUI thoughts. I literally slept all day today.

Part of it was alcohol-related, but I clearly was triggered. I haven't fully figured out why, yet. But i would say my emotions were over the top compared to what happened. That only means that her cancelling in such a seeminly cavalier way hurt me way deeper than just a cancellation, because those have happened and it sucks, but has never been a big deal.

maybe that is what your T meant?

You get what you pay for

A kick in the hinny?

A bit more context on the not normal comment. He was talking about how emotionally dysregulated I am and how often I feel suicidal. Not about me asking for a phone call. He very firmly asked me to ask him for a call this weekend if I needed one. Maybe he's right. Maybe my feelings are excessive for what actually happened. Needless to say, the phone call didn't really make me feel any better. When he told me that if I didn't go to this place, we would have to continue talking about it in our sessions, which makes me feel even less like I have a choice if I want to continue with him.

NP, do you believe you are responding in a way that feels like PTS(D)? From a distance, it certainly looks like it to me, and it's perfectly understandable. While your emotional reactions may be "bigger" than the current circumstances warrant, they make total sense given the trauma circumstances you've been through.

My understanding is that DBT has a good track record of effectiveness in helping with dysregulation stemming from certain personality disorders (which often originate from abuse, but are seen as primary defenses that have solidified into persistent patterns of thought/action.) I haven't seen anything supporting the effectiveness of DBT for active PTS(D). While I'm not a huge fan of EMDR, the one area in which it does have a solid record of effectiveness is as a treatment for PTS(D) resulting from recent trauma. (It's effectiveness in complex trauma of long standing is far less convincing.)

Is your T trained in trauma? Because it seems to me he is focusing on your behavioral reactions to current situations, rather than see your responses as reactions to the barely past trauma. It's like he's seeing the signs, but missing the bigger picture that explains the signs.

I would be very unwilling to go into DBT as a Band-aid treatment. And I don't like how he seems to have decided this is what's necessary for you, despite your misgivings. I would want to get a lot clearer explanation from him on his level of knowledge and why he believes this is the preferred treatment. And if in his explanation he only focuses on behaviors, I would take that as an indication that he doesn't understand the psychology of trauma.

I’d also add I tried DBT last summer for about three sessions and found it triggering, because several members of the group (who had BPD) reminded me very strongly of 2ex. Plus the whole being bossed around and infantilizing approach reminded me of him too. The triggering nature of DBT is pretty well known.

I’d be concerned about that possibility if I were your therapist. Where I think he is right, though, is something needs to change. Three sessions a week with him and out of session contact don’t seem to be helping you much.

If you wouldn’t start at this place for 9 months since they have a waitlist, why not fill out the paperwork and then find something else to try in the meantime? EMDR, meds, whatever seems worth a shot.

I do think you are being emotionally manipulated by the therapist. I think that is what those people do. Are there other options?

I dont get why anybody would want to talk to their t on a weekend. I mean, yeah im just sitting here binge-watching barnaby jones and maybe folding laundry, but i dont want t to catch me doing that.

And if im depressed and just sleeping and eating ice cream, i REALLY dont want to talk to him. But lately i have been doing better than that. You guys inspire me with your major chore reports to at least do ONE thing.

Hmm - I find this sentiment fascinating and horrifying
"but i dont want t to catch me doing that."
Why not? Catch you? Is that what those people are out to do?
No - eff them I say. If I want to sit around all weekend in just a t-shirt eating foul sounding oreos and watching sexist re-runs -what is it to a therapist?

Hey, don’t confuse me with the ex-hankster! I mean, she’s a jenny.

I have absolutely no fear of Piaf or Info catching me with weirdly-flavored Oreos.

I was mixing and matching. Exhankster would be eating sugar free foul sounding oreos.
Here:
If I want to sit around all weekend in just a grubby t-shirt that I cut my grass in, eating foul sounding oreos, and watching sexist re-runs -what is it to a therapist?

Yeah, that kinda veered toward productivity, which was not my aim.

I guess, maybe np's t is not hearing she has a plan for her recovery, and doesnt want stopgap weekend measures to become the defacto plan.

Eta - watcha huckasan, here i come!

Now we’re like Cerberus, three rolled into one.

Sugar-free Oreos would rock ex-hankster’s world.

The place has a "DBT skills group" that you can attend twice a week while you're on their 9 month waiting list. The difference being when you're "official" you get a therapist appointment plus a group therapy and phone support. They also have a trauma program that's twice a week individual therapy plus group, where apparently you do DBT therapy for a while and then prolonged exposure therapy for a while. He wants me to do the skills group now and then possibly either the normal or trauma program. I have an intake appt on Wednesday. I feel totally disempowered right now.

One time the woman horrified me by suggesting she call me during the week to prompt me to do my billing when I off-handedly talked about how behind I was in doing so.(In terms of how much I hate billing - if I had to choose between locked in a room and having to bill or having to grade - I would actually choose grading in that situation). The idea of the woman intruding upon me in that way was panic attack inducing.

For the record, I never ask for these weekend check-ins. He offers them. He practically begged me on Thursday to ask for a phone call if I needed one. I needed one today so I emailed him to ask for one. He knows I don't want to be a pain in the ***. We've talked about my fears about that often. I'd rather kill myself than be a burden to anyone.

No, they would rattle my apartment windows i have to lay off the sugar free stuff before i blow open my belly button.

Freudians and their bodily function fascination.

If I was going to be any of their ilk, I wonder which school of them I would find most tolerable? I can't think of any. I have noticed an increasing number of students think they want to talk about feelings with their imaginary clients when asked "what would you say to a client about X" - I despair.

How is that disempowering?