[MRT6211]

*TW: Self-harm*

Earlier today I was contemplating reaching out to T over the phone because I’ve had a lot going on and I’m majorly stressed, and as a result, I’m having very bad urges to cut. They aren’t subsiding. I didn’t want to bother T because I feel as if I’ve been too needy lately, but now I know if I engage in the behavior this weekend, she’s going to be disappointed in me for not reaching out to her like I’m supposed to. I guess all I can do is try my best to use my skills to get through the weekend. I’ve just been in such a bad place recently. I feel like my whole life is falling apart.

[velcro003]

I'm so sorry MRT I don't think T will be disappointed, maybe just sad for you? I know my T reacts that way when I SH.

[Lemoncake]

It's okay to have needs and to be needy until we learn to cope on our own. If your T has said it is okay to contact her, I would take her up on the offer rather than try to white knuckle ride it because I know it's not easy. You pay her to help you. Accept her help and reach out.

[MoxieDoxie]

Yes I am suppose to reach out to T when I want to partake in my maladaptive behaviors but sometimes I just do not want to be stopped, or I do not want to look like I am trying to get attention or I do not want to bother him and I hate being so damn needy. He says it is a child part and we have 3 parts. Parent, Adult and child. When this child part becomes active that is when the behaviors come to play. I ams suppose to take my parent part and lovingly talk to that child part and not yell at it or criticize it. Comfort it and maybe tuck it into bed and give it a lollipop.

Ok I have to admit that has never worked but hey you can try it as it might work for you.

[Anne2.0]

I'm really sorry about the stress and I hope it gets easier soon. I'm not sure why the past tense in your post, can you not reach out over the weekend? If you can, I'd encourage you to.

Originally Posted by MRT6211

*TW: Self-harm*

Earlier today I was contemplating reaching out to T over the phone because I’ve had a lot going on and I’m majorly stressed, and as a result, I’m having very bad urges to cut. They aren’t subsiding. I didn’t want to bother T because I feel as if I’ve been too needy lately, but now I know if I engage in the behavior this weekend, she’s going to be disappointed in me for not reaching out to her like I’m supposed to. I guess all I can do is try my best to use my skills to get through the weekend. I’ve just been in such a bad place recently. I feel like my whole life is falling apart.

When I first got sober, I felt I was screaming at the moon. The urge to drink was so bad.
All I can say is with time it gets easier.
Journey your feelings. Email T if phoning feels to intimate at the moment.
Sometimes just seeing T's written words was enought. I didn't particularly want to engage in telephone talk. In able to tolerate my intense emotions now. I couldn't then. Just trudging through the mud was all I could do. But thats how is done.

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I'm so sorry MRT I don't think T will be disappointed, maybe just sad for you? I know my T reacts that way when I SH.

I think she would, because she was pretty disappointed in me last time I did it, almost 5 months ago. But that’s probably mostly because I did it as a means of testing her (although I didn’t realize it at the time) and also because if I do this, it could mean that I can’t go back to school. And when I get in my own way of my goals, she is disappointed in me. But also maybe I’m just projecting my own emotions onto her...not sure

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I'm really sorry about the stress and I hope it gets easier soon. I'm not sure why the past tense in your post, can you not reach out over the weekend? If you can, I'd encourage you to.

No, unfortunately I can’t. I can only contact her during business hours. I just have to survive until Monday.

In the last 9 months, I’ve only had one relapse with cutting. Before that, I was doing it almost every day. I really don’t want to go back to my old ways, but it’s so hard not to at stressful times like this, because nothing will ever replace the cutting, skills aren’t as strong.

[here today]

Would you like to share with us some of what is so stressful and, maybe, triggering?

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by MRT6211

In the last 9 months, I’ve only had one relapse with cutting. Before that, I was doing it almost every day. I really don’t want to go back to my old ways, but it’s so hard not to at stressful times like this, because nothing will ever replace the cutting, skills aren’t as strong.

Have you ever read Anne LaMott's book, "Bird by Bird.?" It's a book about writing but some things applied more broadly to me. The title comes from a story about her brother who had a big school project to do on dozens of birds, with lots of information about each bird. He procrastinated and was overwhelmed when the project was due the next day, he asked his Dad, "how can I possibly do this?" His dad said, bird by bird.

When I'm trying to cope, I focus on doing the next thing that I can do. Take the dog for a walk? I can do that. Get home, take a shower. Get out of the shower, watch a movie. Read a book. Listen to music. Write in my journal. Feed the dog. Clean out a closet, wipe down the kitchen cabinets or the windowsills. Empty the disher. Color something with markers. Ask a friend to meet for coffee. Bird by bird, day passes. Sleep, and the next day is always better.

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Have you ever read Anne LaMott's book, "Bird by Bird.?" It's a book about writing but some things applied more broadly to me. The title comes from a story about her brother who had a big school project to do on dozens of birds, with lots of information about each bird. He procrastinated and was overwhelmed when the project was due the next day, he asked his Dad, "how can I possibly do this?" His dad said, bird by bird.

When I'm trying to cope, I focus on doing the next thing that I can do. Take the dog for a walk? I can do that. Get home, take a shower. Get out of the shower, watch a movie. Read a book. Listen to music. Write in my journal. Feed the dog. Clean out a closet, wipe down the kitchen cabinets or the windowsills. Empty the disher. Color something with markers. Ask a friend to meet for coffee. Bird by bird, day passes. Sleep, and the next day is always better.

great advice. I can relate to this.

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by here today

Would you like to share with us some of what is so stressful and, maybe, triggering?

I guess there’s just been so many little things and a couple of big things building up. First, there’s the biggest one: the situation with me going back to medical school. The school psychiatrist is fighting it and making totally unsubstantiated claims and refuses to speak to or listen to my T or anyone on my multidisciplinary treatment team, who are all saying that I’m good to go, and it’s starting to look very likely that the corrupt powers at be might actually keep me out of school again. I was forced on a leave of absence May 2017 for psychiatric issues. I’ve been trying to get back ever since and they keep coming up with more reasons to delay it. They’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not welcome there, but there’s little I can do about anything. I can’t transfer schools, because once you drop out of one US med school, no other will accept you. And now the corrupt people in charge are accusing me of abusing drugs, with no evidence to support it, so they want to make me do supervised urine tests. I have trauma and phobias which make me panic even just thinking of it. T says the only solution is exposure therapy, and I’m terrified.

Now, to support myself in this time where I have lost my financial aid, it was very difficult to get any job that will just hire me, knowing I will leave shortly. So I started driving for Uber and Lyft. That has been great as a source of income. But now my car is falling apart...SO many things all at once. In the last week, I’ve sunk over $500 into fixing my car. On Thursday when my car was at the mechanic, I found out that one part broke as he was replacing the part I needed replaced. A new one was $650, so I found one at a salvage yard somewhat nearby, but I had to get there without a car. I took 4 buses and walked a mile, taking me about 3 hours for what would’ve been a 25 minute drive, because all of my friends and boyfriend were too busy to help me. I got there and then took a 3.5 hour trip back. I took several buses to get to my mechanic the next day, and when I give him the part, it’s the wrong one. He tried to make it work, but now my fuel gauge doesn’t work and my check engine light is on. So now I need to buy more parts and pay for more labor. So basically just a lot of stress and I’m not sure how I’m going to make my income.

I also am not happy at all in my relationship with my boyfriend, but I live with him in a house his dad bought for him. So I have to figure out the appropriate time to break up with him and move out...

I also had to go to the eye doctor and get my eyes poked and prodded (a HUGE anxiety trigger for me, for whatever reason...) 3 times within a week, and they had me thinking I was going to need emergency eye surgery for a full week before they were like “no, actually everything is fine.” And in general, my physical health isn’t doing so well right now. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (have had it since I was 6), and it causes me a lot of pain. I was referred to PT to help my pain, but it has been making everything worse. Then my physical therapist last week decides to tell me that she’s taking away the only part of PT that’s as helping me, that PT won’t help my pain, and that I should “just get a massage if I want pain relief.” Not only do I not have the money for that, the idea of someone I don’t know rubbing me while I’m naked makes me cringe and panic.

And then my student loan people keep calling me 6 times a day trying to collect loan payments that I can’t pay because my loans came out of deferment because I’m not in school right now.

And then, on top of about 1000 other little things, my dog now appears to be sick and I need to take her to the vet. More money. Yay.

And overall, I have no appetite anymore (the only thing my body ever actually wants to consume is sweets, actually...no real food) and I’m not sleeping well at all. Which I know is a lot my fault, and I also know it definitely is majorly affecting my mood.

Sorry I just whined about my whole life here for a bit. It’s just so many things at once, and it feels like every time I put out one fire, about 7 other fires show up. I feel like I can’t win at all in life. T knows most of this, other than the things that have happened since our last session, and she’s trying to help me manage everything, but I just think a normal person would be going crazy with all of this ****, let alone me and all of my mental illnesses. I’ve been taking so, so many huge steps backwards lately, and I’m regressing to a lot of my old BPD behaviors. I recognize it and know I need to stop, but I’m having such a hard time regulating my emotions and behaviors right now. Cutting seems like the only solution/release.

[here today]

Originally Posted by MRT6211

. . .I just think a normal person would be going crazy with all of this ****, let alone me and all of my mental illnesses. . .(

You're right. So sorry you are going through all of this. I'm old, everything fell apart after my late husband died 19 years ago. I have old trauma and depression issues, too, that I don't think therapists have known what to do to help me with and so I mostly just try to take things easy, doing the minimum to get by, sometimes not even that. I can't even imagine trying to cope with all the stuff you're dealing with.

So sorry about your medical school. The drug test is really unreasonable and, I think, a violation of your rights. Don't they get it? Hope you can find a way to fight their requirements and educate them about mental illness. Maybe that's not something you want to take on, with everything else you are dealing with, but it is something, it seems to me, that may be needed.

[LonesomeTonight]

Wow, I'm sorry you're dealing with so many things at once. Just one of those could be enough to cause lots of anxiety and stress, let alone all of them at once. Hope your dog is OK. And I agree that the medical school situation is ridiculous and seems to be violating your rights. Do you see T tomorrow? If not, I'd definitely reach out to her then.

[Anne2.0]

You are dealing with a ton of stress, that's for sure. What I also think is true is that you also have significant strengths and personal attributes and they are what led you to medical school and all the achievement that must have come before that. Those things can get you through this difficult time--your intelligence, your ability to work hard, your strength in analyzing situations and problem solving.

I also think the work of a demanding school (especially where it seems like the administrators want you gone) and eventual practice will be stressful, and improving how you respond to stress will help you in the future.

Some in your shoes would be driven by the desire to prove these a holes wrong. As a strategic position, I'd encourage you to project strength in your confidence that you can do whatever they ask of you. Like "bring it. I'm ready."

For the hard times in my life, it's been satisfying to look back and appreciate what I went through and the strength needed to do so. It's given me a sense that I've survived, that I'm still standing, no matter what or who tried to take me out. I hope one day you are able to look back and be impressed about what you overcame-- especially what seems like a lot of unfairness by your school. FWIW, I think you can do this, and the people who are in a position to make recommendations to the school think that too. Sounds like you have good backing. Wish you the best with it all.

[LonesomeTonight]

For the school loans thing...for them to be deferred, do you have to be in school full time, or could you just be taking a class? If it's just a class, could you just sign up for something at a community college, say for summer session? I imagine that would be cheaper than your loans...

Also, would it maybe help to come up with some sort of plan (maybe with your T's help) of what to do if it turns out they won't accept you back to med school? Some way you could use the education you already have and still be in the medical field? I know you clearly were aiming to be a doctor, but, I don't know, possibly school to be a physician assistant or nurse practitioner? Again, certainly not the ideal, but maybe having a backup plan could help?

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by here today

So sorry about your medical school. The drug test is really unreasonable and, I think, a violation of your rights. Don't they get it? Hope you can find a way to fight their requirements and educate them about mental illness. Maybe that's not something you want to take on, with everything else you are dealing with, but it is something, it seems to me, that may be needed.

Believe me, I’m trying everything I can to fight where I can. But this is one battle I don’t think I can win by fighting, I just have to submit to their will. But as soon as I get back in school, I will do my best to do a lot for mental health advocacy.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Wow, I'm sorry you're dealing with so many things at once. Just one of those could be enough to cause lots of anxiety and stress, let alone all of them at once. Hope your dog is OK. And I agree that the medical school situation is ridiculous and seems to be violating your rights. Do you see T tomorrow? If not, I'd definitely reach out to her then.

I don’t for session, but I do have class (group) with her. So I might see if I can speak individually with her afterwards. I just really don’t want to bother her.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

For the school loans thing...for them to be deferred, do you have to be in school full time, or could you just be taking a class? If it's just a class, could you just sign up for something at a community college, say for summer session? I imagine that would be cheaper than your loans...

Also, would it maybe help to come up with some sort of plan (maybe with your T's help) of what to do if it turns out they won't accept you back to med school? Some way you could use the education you already have and still be in the medical field? I know you clearly were aiming to be a doctor, but, I don't know, possibly school to be a physician assistant or nurse practitioner? Again, certainly not the ideal, but maybe having a backup plan could help?

Unfortunately you have to be enrolled full time to get financial aid. And yeah, we sort of have a plan, but I know I don’t want to actually do anything other than be a doctor, especially with the loans that I already have. So, if I can’t get back into school for this July, I don’t really think I want to keep going in life, honestly. I just see no point.

[MRT6211]

I wanted to update that I was able to talk with T today, we talked some stuff through and about some of my behaviors this weekend that weren’t self-harm, in the form of cutting at least, but weren’t ideal. She really empathized with me a lot and validated me, so that felt good. I felt better after I talked to her. And she wasn’t mad at me, so that was good. Thanks everyone for your help!