I Need to Fire Him...But I'm Scared To Death

Seeing my "T" today...except he hasn't been acting like a T in months. And in my gut, I know that I have to tell him that he can't be my T anymore and that today is our last session.

Two weeks ago, I texted him and told him I was in crisis. I trusted him with that information, like he told me I need to do if we were going to repair our rupture. I hadn't been trusting him because the last time I did, he didn't respond at all and that hurt me a lot. His response this time was that he was still here, that he still wanted and was able to be both my T and my friend and that he would try to be there for me as best he could that day. And then...I barely heard from him for almost a week. He didn't check in, didn't ask how I was doing, didn't tell me he was really busy but he was thinking about me. And when I asked him if he was OK after almost a week had gone by and I had heard next to nothing from him, because I was trying to shift my mindset to things not being about me - again like he told me to, he said he was the best he'd been in a long time and that he hoped I was doing well. And then got mad at me and told me that I always make more of things than they really are when I told him I was hurt that once again I tried to trust him to tell him I was very not OK and he said he would be there and was not.

I have to fire him. Not because I don't trust him anymore...but because I am afraid that he will say nice things today and I will trust him and he will hurt me again...and again...and again...and again. I have to fire him because I want him to say nice things and make me believe in him again. Make me believe that he cares and that I matter. Make me believe that he's there for me like he used to be. Make me believe there's hope.

There is no hope. What we had is dead. The concept of "us" was a lie. A very painful lie that just undid all the years of work we did together. And my gut says I need to make it so he can never hurt me like this again.

Big hugs... I have been where you are right now. It's actually hard for me to respond, because I know that hell. My ex-T taught me what gaslighting was (by gaslighting the crap out of me over...and over...and over). That seems to be what this T is doing with you.

With my ex-T, I learned that whatever he said would be, expect the opposite -- the more he promised, the more likely I'd get the opposite of what was promised. It's an agonizing thing - because I wanted to believe him every time.

I do hope you can have the strength and courage to do whatever you feel is right for you. HUGS.

Do you understand why you are scared? Scared to be without him and the support that you once had?

I am so sorry that you are hurting. :-(

Recognizing and dealing with unhealthy therapy is a big problem. The profession as a whole, not to mention individual therapists with their own issues and blindnesses, are not addressing it. They don't "own" it. I think they "should" but apparently they don't. Or don't care. Reality. And clients are getting hurt. I know I did.

Are you doing to try to find another therapist? Or just deal with it on your own? I have found PC and other online and IRL support groups to be more helpful than other therapists about this. Very scary, and the fear interferes with my ability to function well, not to mention other difficulties, and. . .bad therapy is worse.

Am i reading this correctly? Is it your expectation that he will call you between sessions, and because he doesnt, you feel hurt and now want to fire him?

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like your T does have a problem, and he is not doing his best to keep it out of your therapy. If you don't mind me saying, it sounds like you are being manipulated by him. Stand your ground today, and tell him what's what. Good luck.

I've read some of your other posts and I absolutely agree with you. It's time to end it with this therapist. Are you still meeting in a coffee shop? Am I remembering that correctly? Are you going to be ok ending it in person? If you can't, you could always send a letter.

I know it hurts, but I bet eventually you are going to be really happy you did this.

No...scared that he will say nice things today and I will believe him again and not fire him and he will keep doing things that will result in me being in crisis and one of these days I won't want to pull myself back anymore.

I don't think I can deal with it on my own but the thought of trusting another T even a fraction as much as I trusted him...

There's a long backstory to this...I've posted about it here before. The Cliffs Notes version is that he did all that and more for me and then suddenly flipped the script out of the blue and now he only does it when he feels like it without any consistency and he thinks I should be grateful he does that much.

You're remembering it correctly - same T. Also the same T who told me I'm the kind of person he wouldn't want in his personal life and the same T who broke confidentiality and discussed me and my reluctance to take meds with a friend of mine who is also a client of his.

This, exactly (except my ex-t was a she):

The epic mindfu*k this t gives you isn't worth it. Part of the game is playing nice to keep you in it. The nice never lasts. It only gets worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Did you ever reach out to TELL or someone for support?

No...because he kept saying this was my fault because I was too negative and drove a wedge between us...and I believe him.

Yeah, um, no! No. No. No. Not your fault. Please consider contacting TELL or someone for help. Escaping the grips of a bad, harmful therapist is extremely difficult. Your chances of success are greater with more support.

It was always my fault as well.. the T’s negative countertransference - I caused his “distance” and worse

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like the T isn’t “healthy” (imo)

I am very sorry that you are hurting.

I don't know your entire story, as I haven't read any of your previous posts, but from this one it sounds to me that your T has been behaving unprofessionally and unethically with you for quite some time. As AllHeart suggested, I highly recommend you to contact TELL or AdvocateWeb and get some support from those who have been in the similar situation.

As much as I wish for you to be out of this abusive IMO relationship, you may not be able to end it easily. That's why you need outside support. I hope you'll reach out for help.

For some reason, your story struck a chord with me right from the beginning. When I hear your T sees you in cars and bookstores, tells you his own problems, and claims he can be both T and friend to you, and it makes me worry for you. I truly think you are in dangerous hands. The T's KNOW the rules and ethics, and it is rash to put such a thing in writing and gravely in default of his fiduciary responsibilities to you to creat a blurry tilt-a-whirl of a relationship. Please fire him, and find a stand up T who will care for you in the true sense of care.

RUN, don't walk, AWAY from him ASAP!

My bullying therapists left me believing the bad relationship was my fault. It took me distance to realize their manipulation, deflection and scapegoating. It also took emotional distance to demote them and see them simply as antagonistic, incompetent people who weren't "authorities" on anything. Vicious comments are just that no matter who said them. And NO ONE can divine about our friendships they never witnessed or how the universe works, and anyone who does is a pretender. (His comments remind me of famous people who were once told "you'll never be an actor/writer/professor" etc. who proved the prognosticator wrong.)

Years from the event I was happy I kicked my therapists to the curb, only regretting I believed their guano as long as I did. Yet I likely benefited from this exercise more than less dramatic therapy, and my perspective took several turns over the years. Wishing you the best on your journey.

The AbusivePDoc made it all my fault, too:

‘You PROMISED me you could handle this...”
And he told me he could be intimate with me and still be objective enough to remain my psychiatrist.
He told me not to tell anyone what we were doing because it was misunderstood.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

coolibarian beat me too it, but i will definitly reiterate it again...RUN! run as fast and as far as you can from this crazy shrink ASAP!

similar to allheart and toomanycats, i have been there too. in fact, as i read your original post, i could not stop wondering if your T and my ex-T were not one of the same. the familiarity of the inconsistencies and the way that my ex-T had a hold over my deepest fears and how he manipulated and twisted those fears to feed his needs over and over again. how he easily dismissed and blamed my frustrations and disappointments on me, it was my problem and my fault...i was 'setting him up'. it was absolute crazy making and felt like a complete mind f*#k. the most enlightening decision i ever made while in therapy was to end the therapy and the relationship. i no longer fear him nor does he have that kind of crazy making hold over me. life is good now with out him in it