[Lrad123]

I have fearful avoidant attachment and I have been struggling to make therapy work for the last 10 months. My T says to just show up every week, but I’m wondering when I would know it’s time to stop or change therapists. Do any of you with fearful avoidant attachment have any success stories or any tips? I’m getting tired of the constant struggle with myself.

[Out There]

I struggle with this. I hear the voices of other people telling me I shouldn't need or don't deserve therapy - so I'm aware or it , so often we've been in situations where our needs come last. My main T is very good with this and holds boundaries well for me , but I do find it difficult.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Out There

I struggle with this. I hear the voices of other people telling me I shouldn't need or don't deserve therapy - so I'm aware or it , so often we've been in situations where our needs come last. My main T is very good with this and holds boundaries well for me , but I do find it difficult.

May I ask what you mean when you say your main T is good with this? What specifically does he/she do? What specific boundaries do they hold?

I struggle with this also! I feel that my T keeps their distance, which makes me feel safer.

[velcro003]

I am fearful-avoidant as well. My first therapy experience went about 4.5 years too long (out of 5.5 years). Looking back, when I left that first session I wasn't sure how I felt. I was intensely anxious the whole time in therapy. I was CONSTANTLY afraid my T hated me/wanted to fire me. SHe did know about this fear, and reassured me she didn't feel that way, but I never felt like it was...genuine? I am not sure. She was really nice and a competent T, but I think she was too reserved/blank slate for me. She knew how much I HATED the silence at the beginning of session. I never knew how to start, and my anxiety always won.

With my current T,I left the first session going "Wow! She seemed to get me so well. That is incredible!" More importantly, she knows about my anxiety (and it is still there, but for the most part much milder than my last therapy), and she doesn't let me sit in agonized silence for minutes at a time. She is much more open and transparent and I just connect to her better.

That isn't to say that all my anxieties went away. I still fear that she will get sick of me, but rarely. She reassures every time I bring it up (and so did my last T), but there is just something different there. I can't quite explain it. But, as recent as 3 weeks ago, I was ready to quit. I managed to make myself go in and talk to her about what happened, and we worked through it.

I have been with this T for 3 years, and in many ways, I feel like we are just beginning to get deeper. She already knows a lot more about me that I couldn't share with my last T, and part of that is her willingness to ask me all sorts of difficult questions, which takes the onus on me always having to give up all the hard stuff. It is still difficult and I never make eye contact and hide under a pillow every session, but she understands. She has never shamed me for it and when things are really bad for me, she gently encourages me to lift my hands off my face, that it might help me feel better.

Ask any other questions you can think of!

[Ididitmyway]

It's your T's responsibility to discuss with you at lengths how to make the therapy process work for you considering your personal tendencies. This is what therapy is for. It's supposed to actively address the problems the person is struggling with, not just acknowledge that the problem exists and that by merely showing up it'll be solved. Part of the work is to attune to the client's needs to whatever degree is possible instead of just talking about them.

[Out There]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

May I ask what you mean when you say your main T is good with this? What specifically does he/she do? What specific boundaries do they hold?

Keeping his distance like EG said which helps , but also things like not insisting on definite appointments. Early on in my therapy I would contact him for appointments rather than being each week. We discussed it recently and he said he was conscious of not trying to " pin me down ". I said I would not have done well with that , but I do better now with more regularity , so I guess I may feel safer. He respects my boundaries on what I need and want , as he recognises my boundaries have so often not been respected. Feeling safe feels a bit unsafe paradoxically , there was a recent thread about it which I discussed with my T and a good post from Ididitmyway which we worked on.

For me, I just keep showing up. It has not taken away the urge to run, especially when I feel like I have done something wrong or that there may be problems between me and T but I show up and face my fears and she has consistantly shown me that those fears are unfounded. I do still fear a day when that is not the case, when I will cross a line and that will be the end of it, but her consistancy so far has been incredibly reassuring.

[feileacan]

For me it has been several things:
1) time - just showing up in my appointments, just the raw hours of time being together has a lot of potency
2) "Recognising" my T from the very first session - I did not compromise with my self when I decided to continue seeing him after the first time, I felt he was the right person for me.
3) He has never insisted anything on me, he has just let me be where I am. This has many times still been intolerable to me because if he lets me be then I feel abandoned but if he comes closer then I feel intruded upon. It has taken a lot of time to really carve out this pattern so we could both see it in moment.
4) In earlier years he let me call him (even every day if needed) and email (although he usually did not answer). He let me call and email over his vacations. Once he even come out from his holiday to see me because I felt I just can't wait anymore.
5) He has welcomed and absorbed a lot of my anger and rage that I was completely aware of before starting treatment

However, I am 5 years in, more than 800 sessions and I think I still have a long way to go.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

For me, I just keep showing up. It has not taken away the urge to run, especially when I feel like I have done something wrong or that there may be problems between me and T but I show up and face my fears and she has consistantly shown me that those fears are unfounded. I do still fear a day when that is not the case, when I will cross a line and that will be the end of it, but her consistancy so far has been incredibly reassuring.

Also, this.

[Lrad123]

It’s strange how hard the “just showing up” part is. We are talking about adding a 2nd weekly session partly because I start to lose the connection and doubt the therapy relationship mid way through the week. We both have vacations coming up, and as a result I won’t see him for 2.5 weeks. I’m worried I might convince myself not to come back, or at least have to deal with that push/pull struggle all by myself for 2.5 weeks.

[Elio]

I believe I am fearful avoidant. We increased sessions from 1x week to 2x week so that whatever progress towards opening up in one session would carry over to the 2nd. We did the 2 sessions a week for a little over a year and about month and a half ago we added a 3rd session a week.

What I found with the 1x week was that I would feel comfortable with her by the end of the session and would be ready to tell her all my secrets for a few days and then I'd start thinking that my issues were not really issues, that I need to just get over myself... and down the path I'd go until the next week where I'd find myself again afraid to say much of substance.

We increased the sessions to 3 x week because of the intense longing as well as outside pressures leaving me feeling like I couldn't stay open to my inner-selves that the only safe place was that hour with her. And over the months of this outside pressure, I had slowly rebuilt my shell around myself and was no longer letting my innerself out.

3x a week has been different. I like it, I'm not sure it is helping yet. I am able to feel more of that innerself so, we'll have to see how this goes.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by feileacan

For me it has been several things:
1) time - just showing up in my appointments, just the raw hours of time being together has a lot of potency
2) "Recognising" my T from the very first session - I did not compromise with my self when I decided to continue seeing him after the first time, I felt he was the right person for me.
3) He has never insisted anything on me, he has just let me be where I am. This has many times still been intolerable to me because if he lets me be then I feel abandoned but if he comes closer then I feel intruded upon. It has taken a lot of time to really carve out this pattern so we could both see it in moment.
4) In earlier years he let me call him (even every day if needed) and email (although he usually did not answer). He let me call and email over his vacations. Once he even come out from his holiday to see me because I felt I just can't wait anymore.
5) He has welcomed and absorbed a lot of my anger and rage that I was completely aware of before starting treatment

However, I am 5 years in, more than 800 sessions and I think I still have a long way to go.

I can really relate to the whole feeling abandoned, but then feeling intruded upon thing. I think this is the part that makes me crazy because I know it doesn’t make sense. I think it’s great that he lets you email, but don’t you feel abandoned when he doesn’t respond? I sure do, especially if I email about something that makes me feel vulnerable.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I can really relate to the whole feeling abandoned, but then feeling intruded upon thing. I think this is the part that makes me crazy because I know it doesn’t make sense. I think it’s great that he lets you email, but don’t you feel abandoned when he doesn’t respond? I sure do, especially if I email about something that makes me feel vulnerable.

Actually, he does not let me email him anymore. I don't want to go into specifics but the truth is that I don't even need it anymore (on top of 4 weekly sessions).

But, when I still needed it and I did email it did not bother me that he did not respond - it even felt safer that way. I knew I can get my crazy stuff out and I knew that he would read but I did not have to face the reality of his response. Somehow it felt safer to me that way.

You all sound very involved and committed for people with a supposed avoidant element to your psyche.

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

You all sound very involved and committed for people with a supposed avoidant element to your psyche.

I don't think having an avoidant attachment style is the same as not being committed to the work of therapy.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

I don't think having an avoidant attachment style is the same as not being committed to the work of therapy.

Yes, maybe. It just seems strange to me that people who describe themselves as avoidant also describe displaying typically anxious-preoccupied type behaviours. It's as if avoidant is viewed as the "cool" style of attachment of which people want a slice.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

Yes, maybe. It just seems strange to me that people who describe themselves as avoidant also describe displaying typically anxious-preoccupied type behaviours. It's as if avoidant is viewed as the "cool" style of attachment of which people want a slice.

Yeah, those things can sound strange. But I guess that's normal because you can't expect everyone to describe the full details of the symptoms and representations of their attachment style, so that an uninitiated stranger could reliably verify that it is accurate. That's not the point of this thread. So, I guess you have to live with that strangeness.

I suppose I do have to live with the strangeness of others. I also suppose I value congruence more than other people appear to.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

I suppose I do have to live with the strangeness of others. I also suppose I value congruence more than other people appear to.

I don't think this thread contains enough information to rank people regarding how much they value congruence.

No, I don't think so either. It was a comment about my life in general really. This thread could well be populated by congruent, authentic people, perhaps just not so apparently obvious.

[Daisy Dead Petals]

I think you're confusing dismissive attachment with fearful-avoidant (or disorganized) attachment. Believe me, there's nothing "cool" or desirable about fearful-avoidant attachment. It's hell.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ful-attachment

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

You all sound very involved and committed for people with a supposed avoidant element to your psyche.