Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

I love you more than anything and it feels good, in the stupid warm fuzzy kind of way.

Sending you positive thoughts Echos.



How many hours left now? xD

Dear T,
I really really really hope you don't ask me tomorrow if I love you. I'm good at lying by omission, less so when I'm asked a direct question. Though, hm, I guess I managed OK yesterday with the whole, "What made you think I was out of town?" thing, but that answered applied last time you went out of town when I had no idea where you were. I suppose if you ask, I could go with a therapist-y answer of "How would you define love?" Because I'm starting to wonder if maybe I just define love differently than other people, like more loosely, which is why it's freaked out various people in my life...
LT

Thanks lemon. 16.5. Getting close. I'm so scared of facing him.

I read somewhere if you write out your fears they have less power over you.I'm sorry if this is too direct, but what do you think you're afraid of?

How does going on vacation with your parents stress you? I get the feeling you want to wrap your t around you like a protective blanket, hence the feeling of loving him. Do your parents like your husband, or do they hassle you about him, or does he hassle you about them? What can t do or say to make your vacation better?

Dear T

I will talk about it this week. I promise...I think. Yes, I’ll do it. I will. I will. Probably?

That's a good description of what I wish T could do. Hence why I'm hoping we can work out a phone call. Though I wish he could be staying in the condo next door and I could hide out over there every once in a while...

It's a mix of things. Partly, 5 people staying in a 2-bedroom condo, so lack of real space to myself. Parents who seem to judge when I want to spend time alone (my mom in particular doesn't get the whole introvert thing), so I have to keep coming up with excuses--I think I took 3 showers a day on one vacation, or I'd say I wanted to take a nap, but really would just hide out in bedroom.

There's a lot of feeling like I have to pretend to be a certain person for my mom, which I feel I've had to do all my life. The sort of putting on a happy face. Being critical of me in some ways that she's not critical of others (or, well in some ways that she *is* critical of others). Making a big deal out of it if I'm not feeling well/feeling anxious and am having trouble eating much, or just plain hate the food she made (see: past post involving awful Francesco Rinaldi sauce and mushy spaghetti). So now H and I do the cooking one night and go out to eat the others. Though last year she was judgmental about the fact that we went to bars each night, but it's our vacation, we can walk everywhere, and, I mean, whatever, it's 3 nights. My dad made a big deal about all the water bottles I used the one year, but that's too long to go into.

If we're all sitting in the living room, they can't just let me sit there quietly, doing my own thing, it's like we have to be talking. My dad will sometimes sort of mock our D, which really bothers H. If D is being really cranky, my mom will laugh and act like it's funny, which it isn't when I have to deal with it every day (I mentioned that yesterday, and T said it's probably giving me more insight into how they were to me as parents...)

And they actually like H quite a bit (helps I had some ex-BFs who they didn't like so much!) But I think it's just everyone grates on everyone else. We've done better finding time away on our own, like H will go to this one outlet store, I'll go do shopping on my own or go for a walk. And H does really stick up for me down there and has my back, which I really appreciate.

On a completely unrelated note, I know that two police officers down there (if still working there) have seen me naked...

Sorry you asked?

And T has suggested things like, try to remember that stuff my mom says and does are about her, not about me. Just in general, but also to focus on that this trip. Which I'll try to do.

I honestly had to laugh at the idea that this has to be explained, as in (and I'm not trying to mock you, I think it's about life experience as a parent and FOO issues that pretty much everyone has) have you ever been on a vacation with your parents?

LT has already explained some of the specifics, but I would say that times where I, H, and the child have vacationed with either my or his parents-- which we did fairly often, it was always quite stressful. Maybe some parents are different WRT to their grandchildren and the parenting by their own children, but a lot of judgement and explanation of how we do things (no, we don't think he needs a spanking), trying to negotiate for things that will benefit our kid and for what he needs amongst the "family time", and about a thousand other ways where even in a pretty civilized FOO the back and forth between what to do and how to do it, when to have dinner, where, etc.

Vacation with the FOO is always difficult. Lots of times there are benefits especially because you want to facilitate the grandparent relationships and they can be useful like paying for expensive stuff and babysitting. But being around them and sharing some kind of space flags the freak in them, or I could say it did for me. My mother is infinitely more controlling on vacation and ultra flexible when she comes and stays with us.

But these multi generational vacations are like a giant vortex for co dependent behaviors, because now you don't just have to please your partner and your child but these other people as well.

Every vacation with the FOO was a vacation I needed a vacation after.

Anyway, not an intentional hijack of LT's family situation, but I'd bet at least a dollar that some of my issues are similar to hers.

What does a therapist or what can do a therapist do that helps?
I can see the challenges that people report. What I cannot understand is how a therapist helps with those challenges

I totally get it the FOO dynamic it's why when we went to my brother's for Thanksgiving a few years back I insisted we stay at a hotel. Too much togetherness does not equal a good thing sometimes.

I don't know how long this break will be... or if it's even just a break... I'm trying to stay positive and keep my forward momentum. I thought you were gonna terminate me and refer me out. but you said youre not giving up on me. I'm too scared to see you though

I just told him something by email I never told him before. Rationally I know he doesn't feel any different towards me, but it just feels like he will or something. I know it will be fine but still....

I can understand the fear. Perhaps write out a list of all the stuff you found hard to tell him at the time to show yourself that he didn't react badly last time- why would now be any different?

Not sorry at all! More like, forewarned is forearmed? I hope he has a great big pumpkin shell for you to take with you! I was just reacting to what you wrote that i quoted. Thats how feel / felt around my family. Its pretty awful. They dont see you. They judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, as the saying goes.

For me, the therapist was the one who acknowledged my challenges. Who said, "fish, i see the trees you have climbed, not the ones you havent."

I appreciate your answering -but I have absolutely no idea why or how that would or even could be useful.

He can help me look at things from a different perspective, to realize that, say, if my mom is being critical of me, it's more about her than me. And to see that some things come from her anxiety (which she'd never admit to having, but obviously has). And also just to teach me some coping strategies. Or to stand up for myself and just say "OK I need time for myself!" And if my parents are offended, then oh well. And also, if my mom says something critical, to say something about it right at the time, like challenge her on it, ask her why she said it, etc.

I know some of these things might seem obvious to people, but when you've grown up a certain way and had certain messages put in your head, they're not. Or, say, I might be able to act that way around other people in my life now, to stand up for myself, but my parents are more difficult.

Have you ever wanted to be a hermit?

Eta - if you have (and i have), i would say its because you want to control not being seen. If not, then its because you dont understand not being seen, and thats why you dont understand my answer.

Eta2 - i dont mock! I poke sometimes, but i would not mock! And i didnt think you were being flippant.

Eta3 - uh oh - i think this might mean we understand each other more often than one thinks! (There might be a little poking there.)

I was not being flippant. I do appreciate that you answered and I truly do not understand how it is useful. You don't need to mock me.

I wanna be a hermit. Or a stylite nun. Anyhoo...

Dear Piaf,

I think you should go ahead and have that consultation anyway. You might listen to a colleague where God forbid you listen to a client.

I will give you this: you apologized when asked for one.

ATAT

I have wanted to be a hermit at different points in my life.

Do you get what i mean about wanting to control being not seen? Its like the opposite of wanting to be famous, off the top of my head.

I think so. I think that's why my weight got up to 300lbs at the end of last year. Another way to hide. And possibly part of what's going on with me right now having lost 50lbs and layers that I was hiding underneath... why my weight loss has stalled... I have a lot less control of being seen now?? I would never want to be famous. People looking at me all the time. I hate being looked at. The hardest part of therapy for me is being SEEN.