Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Do you ever want to say to me, “Well, DUH. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you this whole time.”

Just in case, thanks for not.

I love Adele.

One day I will tell you how much I hate taking off and putting on my shoes when I arrive and leave. And that I bought slip in shoes especially to make it quicker. I feel so awkward. I think the day I tell you this for real I will know I really trust you. Seems funny, considering all the other stuff you know about me.

I really, really came close to asking you for a hug today. I wanted one so badly, but it terrifies me.

I've had a good day today. And I've actually had fun. I miss you but I feel like you're with me. Love you.

I'm not even sure how I got through today, it just gets worse and worse!

So t I suppose I want us to figure out a plan for the rest of this 3 month period. And for what happens when it's over. Create a ritual or something to celebrate the work we did together and to say goodbye to what has been a rather extraordinary relationship. At least to me. I'd like to know how it's been for you, too. We still need to look at my sand trays, please. At least the early ones.... those that are from year 1... gosh.... what a ride it's been eh? I never imagined we'd be doing this for 7 years...

I still want us to do a sand tray together, perhaps part of said ritual...

ATM - I am mad at you and I don't want to come see you today. I am in full blown, you are leaving me, you don't care about me. Mode.

Is this really progress from being terrified something is going to happen to you and there will be no one to take care of me?

I am desperately trying to put together a string of words to explain what is wrong with me, but I just can't. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I know your impending vacation is coming up. Not sure if that bothers me. Not sure of anything. I have no idea bout what my problem is. I do know that I Feel like crying for a month but I can't, it's not an option.

I'm guessing yes. That's usually the case.

I want to email you about the transitional object but I'm trying to hold off until Monday. I love you sooo much.

I saw you today after my holiday. I didn’t think I wanted to see you, but when I got to you, I just wanted to curl up against you and be held. Obviously I couldn’t tell you that, and we had a productive session, but on some days like today, I just want you to hold me and be with me. I need you to look after little me.

I did something stupid and you're going to be disappointed in me

I'm having a moment where I want you to be your annoyingly positive self and say nice things about me. I want to pretend that someone cares...

Why does no one care?

hi t. my mood rapidly went down this afternoon and is not bouncing back at all. am i sliding back down already?

Dear t,

Why is it so hard for you to talk to your coworker to get me those resources? I mean it's been over three weeks now. You say he's busy with some event your organization is having at the end of September. But is he really spending his entire day planning a single event? Or is there a bunch of coffee breaks in there? So since the event is at the end of September should I expect resources in October or will you have both just completely forgotten by then?

Annoyed,
Butterfly

I care!

Dear T, 5 days to go. UGH

I needed to hear that. Thank you.

Dear T,

Abuser sibling asked for advice (help) yesterday.

I want to be able to sort out my pain and issues about his abuse of me without him ever coming to know I have these issues. He has no idea about my feelings and issues about him.

I do not think it would be in any way helpful for him to realize that sometimes I hate him and that I dislike him a lot.

Duality is hard. I feel awful. I want validation from you, T...

Dear T: I want to email you but I just had a margarita and I know better. (Oh yes I have learned THAT lesson the hard way haven't I?) So I'm writing to you on a word doc that I will print and bring next week. Maybe. Heh.

I love you. Damn it.

eta: scratch that. I WILL print it and bring it next week and hand it to you to read when I walk in. No maybe about it.

I don't think T would see it that way.

Wish I could send this to him.

+me

QM,

Your second post is right, being abused is not an excuse to hurt someone else. Has he ever acknowledged anything he's ever done or selectively forgotten? I know it's easier said than done but your recovery and needs comes first- you don't have to be there to support him.