Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Bad feelings again... bad bad bad. Bad feelings.

It's like every particle of me is vibrating with anger and fear and shame and despair.

I don't even know why.

Tired of it. Miss you.

Dear T, still trying to word the email to confirm stopping/taking a break until I can save up money to see you.. which may be a long time. Please be gentle when (if) you reply.

Dear T. Here's what a few different parts of me want to write here:

- I love you lots

- I'm glad we're actually doing some work again

- I don't want to do the stupid work

- this thread is pointless. You can't hear me

- I want to email you again. Pay me attention. Tell me you care again.

- hey T how's it going? Seeya in a couple of days.

- do you still exist? I miss you.

Dear T. Both looking forward to and really anxious about session tomorrow. It will be session two. What to talk about. What not to talk about. You'll never be the same as my old T but I hope your a good T.

It was so easy speaking to you after a three week break.
You saying you were proud of me melted me, I love you. You normalising my feelings helped. Saying you’d be deverstated if something happened to me gave me a feeling I’ve not experienced before, loved? Today was good.

Dear T,
I shared a lot in there. Please be kind in your response, whether over email or if you opt for Wed. session.

Love,
LT

I'm going to miss you so ****ing much you can't even imagine
It's hard
But I can't do it anymore
I love you

Dear T

I hate how in sync we are and how much fun we have together because it also reminds me that we can’t be friends.

I am thinking of this way: it’s easier to find friends than it is to find a good therapist.

Please stay safe, capt.

I feel the same way about my t....

Oh no. It’s the beginning of the week and I’m already trying to find excuses not to go to my session on Wednesday. I want to go but I don’t want to go. I’m getting really tired of this cycle.

T: I know you are right.

Dear T,
I can't decide if I want you to do a long (paid) response to my email or have me in for extra session Wed. I guess it depends on what you'd say in email (or, for that matter, in session). But if you could give me some response by tomorrow morning (as I assume you're in session all day tomorrow, since you have no openings), that would be good.

LT

Dear T,
Guess you're not replying till tomorrow, eh? That's OK. But of course then I wonder, does that mean you're giving full email response? Because I figure you'd just write tonight and be like "See you Wed." if you wanted that. Or maybe you just haven't had time to read it and want to think about it. Hm, I suspect this means I want you to pick the "talk in person" option. But maybe I'm just scared about what you'll say in the email? What if I hate what you say, if you still have Wed. or Thurs. opening, can I see you then (and finance whatever vacation you're going on next Thurs.-Mon.)?
LT

it's so weird, my pdoc upped my dosage which is making me feel better. yet, i started drinking again. i don't understand my brain. but i bet i won't even tell you about it because i'm a piece of ****. i wish i could see you once a week, maybe even twice a week, but it's just not possible. i know i could go to private practice and be able to do that, but i like you too much to leave and i can't afford private practice anyway.

anyway i'm sorry i'm such a ****** client, you deserve better. you deserve the truth.

Everybody would be better off without me
I'm already dead. I'm sorry for coming into your life
I know you don't care, but I'm sorry anyway

Today sucks and it's only just beginning!

Hi T,
I know you strongly disagree with my decision. Thx for talking it through with me anyway. Thx for telling me that it's my decision, but that you want to make sure it really is a decision and not something I do out of obligation.

You're great and I missed you... Please don't go on vacation again... (at least not too soon)

Me

(@capt: please stay safe... hugs)

We're glad we know you.

Please try to stay safe.

Dear R,

Thank you for today's session. It really does mean a lot more than I could say. I'm ashamed I spent time trying to hate you. You make me believe that I can have a future.

S

I love you. I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, and I'm scared too.

Dear t,

My mother thinks I'm struggling so went online and found me a t in my insurance. When I looked myself I couldn't find one who looked appropriate but this one actually looks good. Thanks mom! So I think I'm going to contact her since at this point I really feel like I'm only seeing you so I have someone to see and I don't feel you are the right person.

-Butterfly

Dear T. I'm really disappointed that you cancelled today. This means I might not get in to see you for a couple of weeks and I haven't seen you since the 6th. How am I supposed to decide if you are the right person for me if I can't even see you? I was kinda counting on that session today. I'm really disappointed and a little annoyed.

I keep thinking that because I’ve calmed down, I can see you again. But... I’ve probably calmed down because I haven’t been seeing you. That sucks. Why can’t I just relax and be okay with the way things are?

Called T's office...first appointment isn't until Sept. 8th. So it will be over a month since I've seen T. At least she's too new for me to be attached to her. More annoyed and disappointed than anything. Not sure if I am going to get to talk to former T tomorrow since she is helping me transition, but since I won't have had an appointment, I'm not sure if she is going to want to have a phone session or not since the sessions revolve around whether or not new T's that I'm trying are a good fit. Not sure if I want to talk to former T. I mean I want to, but it seems like it just makes the attachment worse. I know we have to stop talking someday soon and prolonging it just seems like its hurting me. But on the other hand, it's my other emotions that want to talk to former T and just hear her reassuring voice. But then I don't want to get in a super depressed slump with lots of SH and SI after talking to her and knowing that things are very different from how they used to be. HUGS would be awesome and appreciated.