Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Dear T. I wrote you a really long email, saying I couldn’t afford therapy anymore and would be taking an unplanned break with unknown length and my feelings around that (and now I’m up for redundancy at work.)

Your reply, one word... “Okay”

Oh T, you really let me down today. You really hurt me today. You made me feel ashamed and sad.

Ugh, I'm sorry...

Dear T,
So many thoughts in my head right now (that had to be pushed aside for work/volunteer stuff, but can now be released somewhat--probably not fully till D goes to bed). I'm glad I see you Friday and that we can talk at some point when I'm away next week.
LT

Please email me tonight. You have to know how upset I am. How much I need you to.

I can’t belive I e-mailed you. But I didn’t know what else to do. Things are changing. With my new schedule I’ll never be able to see you again. I had to at least ask to see you one more time before then. Please please please answer kindly. Please don’t send your usual one sentence flippant responses with no emotion or thought. Please. You don’t need to say anything flowery, but please—at least a full sentence. Acknowledge how difficult it must have been to write to you by simply sending me a full sentence. Please.

Thanks for your email last night. You knew I just needed a short acknowledgement of how difficult it is. Thanks for being 'there' even if you're not 'here'.

T...

5 days is too long...

I wish you had told me that I can email you like pdoc... I'd even be ok with the charge for once...

I guess no cancellations today? Well, I wait till Tuesday. It will be 3 weeks without you
P.S. I'm still sad that you forget about my birthday this year. At least you didn't give me any sign that you remember... as you always did.

Dear beloved T,

I have just been to meet with another potential new T. The one who has the same name as T1 and is about the same age, but is much more handsome.

He's sort of like the anti-T1. He radiates kindness and genuineness and loveliness. His approach to therapy seems to match mine almost exactly.

He is truly a perfect therapy angel. I feel like I might have invented him. Does he really exist??

I guess he is going to be my new T. That feels good, and exciting, and scary.

It also really f***ing hurts because it makes the fact that I'm going to leave you real. I feel like I'm betraying you. No-one could ever be you. I love you so much. F***.

Dear probable new T,

Are you real?!! What's the catch?

Thanks for being so kind and approachable yesterday. Hoping I can hold onto this warm feeling for at least a couple days.

Dear T,

I normally see you today but I'm not today because you thought we should decrease frequency of sessions. I feel okay today so far so I'll see you next week I guess. But I do find it weird that you wanted to decrease sessions considering the fact that
But don't worry, I'll be okay, I always am.

-Butterfly

I guess your right now that I think about it the cat in the hat turns up uninvited, terrorizes the fish and refuses to leave! The tiger does exactly the same thing and selfishly eats Sophie out of house and home. Then just leaves.

Maybe asking if I died while on a trip, would my records be protected was the wrong question. I didn't get a reply from that email

I woke up terrified. My fears are infiltrating my sleep. At this point, I'm just trying to hold on instead of completely going insane.

Dear T,
I wonder if the question should actually be reversed: Can *you* handle *me*?
--LT

Nothing seems to matter much anymore. Not showering and showing up for work. Not watching any of my shows or playing any of my favorite games. Not eating foods I used to like.

Even my daughter doesn't matter much...more than any of those other things but still less than she should.

I need you. And my dog.

And that doesn't matter either...

I want a hug...

And less than an hour after I wrote this post, I get a well written out email explaining things. Turned out she was busy yesterday and couldn't reply. Thank you T...

I MISS YOU and I'M SORRY

I miss you

Anna please try to keep yourself safe.

We're here if you need to talk. Could you call a helpline?

My baby sister was a happy monkey with her GCSE results she did early.She also loved my present which arrived on the same day without prime. I thought it was super cute that my brother also got her one too.

She didn't tell the father and I think that says everything. But it kinda makes me feel sad at the same time because it makes me think back to when I was her age. It's been 11 years since I left secondary school, and whilst time has been graceful to me- as it doesn't hurt me as much as it did before. I wonder what would you have said to me if I your daughter and got the results that I did then? Would you say that you were proud of me, would you take me out to dinner and buy me ice-cream to celebrate? Or would you still call me a failure and make me cry in the car on the way back home? I know I only talk about the negative stuff but when I was 7 he took me to toysrus and bought me a felt farm which I loved that had a barn and a chicken. I remember I would always make the girl break or cut her knee so she had to be carried back and I remember that because I got sick the next day.He bought me disney stickers but I never felt like I could talk to him and I don't have a single memory of being hugged or read to. He didn't play with me he was there but wasn't there. The first man to say that to me was when I was maybe 18 and it was my chemistry teacher. Are you proud of me? Do you love me?

Would you look at me the same way if I told you the following below: The dream made me think of something I haven't thought about in ages.



I honestly haven't scanned your trip advisor account to find out where you are now, and hopefully I can stick with that. I feel like I know you care, but if I was to ask myself if I trusted you the answer would still be no.