Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

I find that driving is a very practical time to cry.
No witnesses, no interruptions, and the time is yours to spend.

I think my feeling is more that I want to be seen in my suffering at present than wanting to physicality cry. This is definitely a feeling and struggle I'm working on in therapy.

Those who see me in my daily life see a person who has it together. And I don't. I want someone to see my pain and hurt.

Just the same, I appreciate the response and advice.

Dear T,
You are fine with my request regarding next week. If you weren't, you would have told me. You said in today's session that I could pick either option, and whatever I picked wasn't set in stone. I'm being more convenient for making the change now rather than waiting until the last minute. Your briefness in response is because you're replying from your phone, which I can tell because there's that line about "excuse any brevity and errors" that isn't in your regular signature. I am telling myself all of this. This is not even about you at all, this is about ex-MC and all the other people throughout my life who weren't honest with me. And about me feeling like I don't deserve what I want or need. That's what this is all about.

And maybe also partly feeling connected to you the past couple sessions, which has triggered all the fear. Plus the ex-MC stuff, where he's willing to be there for me if needed, if all the other avenues, including you, aren't available, but, as we discussed in session today, he should only be the nuclear option because of, well, I guess the potential fallout. So...be there, OK? Be there if I need you. Don't make me rely on him. I know you won't answer the phone at 2 a.m.--I get that. But otherwise, please just be there if I need you as much as you're able to while sticking to your boundaries. Because I also need you to be not burned out or overextended like ex-MC was.

I'm so rambling now. I should probably print all this and bring it Thursday. There's still stuff I didn't tell you about from last week, that I'm scared to talk about, so I'll bring that too. That stuff is the reason I asked for what I did next week.

Love,
LT

So much happened since I saw you last. I know you said I could contact you last week even though you were on vacation.

How do I talk about it all in just 1 hour?? I HATE this. I don't think I like thos unconditional acceptance thing. I know you are human and don't support everything so it is hard to believe you are not judging things?

I'm beginning to really grasp something big, that's probably something you've said to me in the past along with a hundred million other things i wasn't ready to really hear yet... but... it's in the CODA book, the notion that accepting something about myself does not mean I have to like it. Hmm.

oh and hey one more thing yeah i do wanna talk about that email i sent you week before last after my session. we didn't really get to it last week because i brought up the other stuff.


have i told you lately just how grateful i am to you?! i thought things had come together well back in January holy sheepfrogs that was nothing compared to how it feels now.

It's so difficult to take anything T says at face value.

I am starting to get the feeling you have some negative feelings/thoughts about my wife. I kind of don't like it. Just so you know. I guess, you were trying to get me to see how my choices were an impact on me. Still feels pretty negative towards my wife.

I have done this and it did bring relief even though I didn't know why I was crying and we didn't really talk about it either. I just sat in the corner, leaning against the bookshelf and cried.

I know I'm waiting for you, but this feels like a stalemate. It's really hard to respect the 'break' when I'm moments away from freaking out uncontrollably so much of the time.

It’s scary how easy it is to have a session with no emotional value at all. I don’t even remember what we talked about really. The only thing I feel is some sadness over the fact that I lied/faked being fine for an entire hour without her realizing. She’s gonna write this down in her “progress notes”, pdoc is gonna read it, you’re gonna read it, and you will both believe it. I won’t be able to say anything without making her look bad or without you thinking that I’m a liar.

I want to go back to being angry at you again. It was safer.
I'm getting a lot more attached. I'm not sure if I should be trying to fight it or just let it happen.
Please be careful.

I love you
See you after three weeks

P.s. You're too beautiful

Today is here!!!! I'm excited but nervous. Hoping for the best tonight.

Are you thinking about me? Of course not.

Feeling really shite. Need to not eat my feelings. Help me?

Duchess -

..........

EllahMae

Dear new T. Please show me empathy.

Dear old T. I miss you.

I'm agonizing over the decision I have to make soon about my job. I don't know what to do. Or-- I know exactly what to do, but I don't know how to do it and be positive at the same time. I've been feeling so overwhelmed, and missing you makes things feel heavier. I miss you a lot, and I want to talk to you so desperately. Sometimes I'm so afraid things won't work out the way I know they have to, and I don't know what to do about that.
But my daily reminder: you're not my friend.

T,
I don't really know what to expect tomorrow in regard to myself. My anxiety/doubt about myself are both reaching new heights. And I don't think my stress this time is a product of my ruminating.

To my old T--I love you so much and I miss you so much and I wish you hadn't gotten sick and had to stop being my T. I know once I pick a T to work with that I won't be able to talk to you anymore. How am I going to be able to do that? I miss your voice. I miss sitting across from you. I miss everything about you.

To the new T that I saw yesterday for the first time--I think you're nice. I like the chairs in your office. I like how you said you would like to work with me and asked me to think about it. I think you might be the person to work with next. But that brings up all sorts of fears. I don't want to get attached to you. I don't want to feel this sort of pain over you. I want you to help me. I don't know if I can trust you.

Dear Info,

Between session no. 44 and seeing the car accident on the way home, my nerves are badly jangled.

Dear No. 3,

You’re supposed to be out of my head now. So git.

ATAT

gosh I miss u

but I'm doing okay

Dear t,

I miss you.

-Butterfly

I suppose our Ts are teaching us how to love someone who has a limited ability to show affection.