Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Thanks, Lemon. I just posted the string of emails in the LT's Dr. T thread. I feel like I bothered him on his time off. And I was a bit harsh in one of the emails.

I'm sorry I cancelled our session. it was a lot easier than dealing with the fear and anxiety

Thank you for being you. Thank you for giving me the space to learn to trust myself. I know what you meant when you said what you said.

I also want to, but I'm also not going to.

3 for 3 here. I am busting my backside with self talk to cope.

4/4

I threw everything I previously used 13 days ago.

5/5 took something upstairs past two nights, but didn't end up using it either time.

I’m really struggling tonight.

21 hours til I see you. Missed you.

Normally you call me back much more promptly. Hope you're having fun whatever you're doing. But call me tonight, please.

I am enraged!

1 of 2 missed sessions done. I'm angry with you. I feel like acting out.

And don't tell me it's ok to be mad at you. I want you to tell me you won't do it again. That's what I want.

Don't you know you were my excuse out of a lame meeting? Now I have to go to the lame meeting and then to see you. But thanks for calling tonight so that I can plan appropriately.

T,
Still struggling, still feeling destroyed thinking about what I’ve done to myself and worse, to others.

I never meant it to mean anything or be of any consequence. Adults have intimate relationships all the time. I hoped it would help ‘grow me up.’

I couldn’t see how it would hurt anyone. For a time the relationship helped my self-esteem, depression, loneliness.

I didn’t know I was being careless. I didn’t know.
But I should have known.

I miss you already. What would I do when I can never see you again?

Dear T,
Thanks for being so understanding and caring today.

Love,
LT

About that quitting email I sent earlier....

Dear T. I don't want to have the goodbye call tomorrow. I know I have to say goodbye. I know you've helped me through the transition and now that I think I'm going with Tony the Tiger T that we have to stop the phone sessions. I just don't want to. I never wanted to have to say goodbye to you. I wish you didn't get MS. I wish you could have stayed my T. This pain is intense. I know I probably am going to SH after the call but I know it would be better not to because it would better honor the work we have done together. Its just that I don't know what to do without you.

I am looking forward to seeing you. I think you would be proud of me today.

Dear T1, I see you have a new Twitter account. I wish I hadn't looked you up.

I keep putting myself in situations that I don't intend to put myself in. I do feel like I'm out to get myself. But you say it isn't true. Then what is wrong with me? Clearly I'm not normal. I really hope you are okay. I'm not sure if you understand me or if you have no idea who I am. I'm not sure who I am.

blah blah blah, T. i feel like an asshole, and feel like shite, and you should stop putting up with me. okay?

You incompetent asshole. You're lucky that I was able to make some adjustments in my accounts. This after all of your other shenanigans today? I don't typically do business with people unable to handle their affairs like this. You’re on thin ice.

Looking forward to seeing you Thursday and asking you those couple of questions I didn't get around to last week and discussing them.