In Session Today: Part V

That was a touching session write up, LT. He handled it really well, and seemed to zero in on how scared you felt. He seemed to give more ground to your bond- that you can care about him .

Did he actually use the word "*****"? This would really bother me. I seem to remember him referencing "blue balls" recently as well, in relation to your partner's "need" for sexual contact. For me, this is acutely patriarchal and misogynist language and indicates a male-centric/female-marginalising approach. This would be a deal-breaker for me, regardless of his other significant failings.

I appreciate that you will probably feel differently, but I don't want this kind of de-valuing language about women to go unnoticed, even if others don't baulk at it.

He did use that word, but I wouldn't be surprised if I'd used that word with him at some point as well. I feel maybe it's more common in the US? I mean, I use it at times (though...I don't know, is that different because I'm a woman?) I didn't personally feel offended by it because of the context in which it was used. And in terms of cursing, I didn't include this in the writeup, but I used the F-word like 5 times that session, to the point that I said at one point, "Wow I'm cursing a lot today."

I'm not sure I see the blue balls as necessarily being particularly sexist, as he said it's not like H was dealing with that effect. He wasn't all "Oh, you're giving him blue balls!" He was supportive of my being in control of how often I want/have sex and basically being like, "Eh, H will be OK, he can take care of himself." It would be completely different if he'd acted like I owed him sex or something.
So I can see where it would offend some people, certainly. And it might be different if I'd just started seeing him. But I feel we're at a point in the relationship where I've shown to him (again, partly by things I've also said) that I'm OK with it. Should some of those words maybe not be part of the language in general? Sure, OK. But I feel in the context and limited times my T uses them, it's all good. If others would choose not to see him because of it, that's fine, then don't see him.

Yeah, I feel like he's understanding and becoming more comfortable with it lately. I think he now understands that he may need to take a different approach with me than with most of his other clients. He's seen what helps me and what hurts me and is adjusting accordingly. I feel that's a sign of a good T.

I'm "feeling congested"!

LT, I admire you for telling the T all this. I know I never would and would just look up anything I want on the public web. I hope his feedback has helped a bit for you to see/accept that your curiosity and using the web is okay!

It is always interesting to me that some other members here see your T as failing in many things. To me, he still seems like the best T I can read about here regularly and your progress with him is pretty visible. Of course these things are subjective.

Thank you. I admit he has his flaws, but I do feel he's really helped me. Other people have commented on that progress as well. My relationship with my H is better. I'm more social in general. I mean, I didn't include this in the writeup, but the only reason I'd recently turned on all notifications in the group that T's wife posted in? It's because I'd gotten together with someone I met in another autism parents group recently for coffee and was asking about local groups. She was going to add me to that one, but realized I was already in it (and clearly wasn't seeing the posts). So I turned on notifications. So it only happened because I was trying to make more real-life friends (and I'm seeing her again later this month). As an introvert with social anxiety, this is a big deal to me. And my H was ambivalent about going to his friend's party tomorrow, and I convinced him that the three of us should go. When in the past I might have been like "Sure, we can skip it!" and been secretly relieved. But...I want to socialize (sure I want to come home and curl up in a ball afterward, but still...)

What you are describing reflects my impression from a distance quite well. Your T definitely has a strong tendency to keep you focused on real life goals and progress and a bit away from diving too much into what goes on in your therapy (between him and yourself) - this is what I like best in his approach and it sounds like your benefit from it significantly. I was just thinking of your therapy again reading another thread about unethical therapists who promote (or even just allow) too much idealization and attachment and how that can be detrimental sometimes, especially on the very people who are most prone to those things. Not sure I would classify that as unethical necessarily but definitely not practical. And exactly what keeps clients in that transference hole for way too long and away from actually improving everyday life. So it's kinda ironic that you wanted so much to work on your transference and attachment patterns with this T but his way not to let it take over too much within therapy is what seems to be helpful now. At least this is how I see it, I am sure different people have other views.

This is a very belated "in session Thursday" because I took notes on my phone right after but haven't typed it out until now. Some things that happened, not in any particular order:

awkward few minutes of silence when I was unable to bring myself to say what was going on and he wouldn't ask questions because he's stubborn

I brought up him being affected by the stuff I said in the previous session. I asked "why"
he answered slowly and thoughtfully, saying he has a visceral reaction to seeing someone being abused, went on to say I was abusing myself. He said he told me because he thought it would be helpful for me to know.

I brought up that he cares about me. He confirmed this. I said I felt like he shouldn't, that I shouldn't be allowed to have a therapist who cares about me. He kind of half jokingly said that's a problem then because he does.
I said I felt like I'd tricked him into caring. He said he didn't think so, didn't get the impression that that was my intention. I tried to explain that it wasn't, but I still wanted him to care about me, and he was like "so then you feel that you must have tricked me" and I said yes.

I tried to explain that wanting to be cared about feels "dirty" and disgusting and shameful and wrong. I prefaced it by saying I don't mean the word with the usual connotations, there's just no other good word.
He said it's natural and normal to want to be cared about. He said that therapy is being really vulnerable. Then he started to bring up that usually as adults the level of vulnerability or whatever is associated with romantic relationships and it's natural that... and I was like, that's not what I mean. That's what I meant by not the usual connotations.
He was confused.
Eating disorder tw:

He kind of started going down the road to that topic and I redirected/refocused saying it wasn't really the point, my point was just about using the word "dirty" without the usual connotations. I told him that it feels like there's a moral element to not needing things.

At some point when I was saying I thought I was faking my reaction or exaggerating or being melodramatic or whatever he said he wished he could videotape me and show me how I looked at that moment, curled up in a ball, unable to even look up. He may have had a point there. I was actually kind of shaking by the end of the session :/

I asked about him thinking I had been weak. He said he thought I'd actually actually been pretty damn strong for standing up to my father.

I pointed out, once again, that so many other kids had it worse and I'd never even been hit. He said that what my father did hurt just as much as being hit but didn't leave bruises or broken bones. Said that my mom's emotional distance compounded that effect.

We danced around the word trauma. He'd made some comparison to PTSD and I said that was different because in that case there are actual real measurable physiological changes. It's involuntary and hard wired in the brain. He said he thinks this stuff probably caused permanent physical changes in my brain and things like elevated cortisol levels (I didn't correct him that actually people with PTSD/trauma tend to have lower baseline cortisol, it's about reactivity and return to baseline and whatever...)
I asked him if he really thought so and he said yes.
He still didn't use the word trauma though. So I don't know whether he adheres to a narrow definition of it, and I'm afraid to ask.

Extra session. I wouldn't say the issue I am having with my therapist is resolved but at least after that session I have more clarity on what actually needs resolving. I asked him if he was uncomfortable when I said that I felt he likes me and that has helped my self-worth in the rest of my life (i said it last week) He said he was because he felt I was projecting something on to him. I said it seems like I was expressing internalising acceptance, how is that projection? He said he thought there was an element of my idealising him in there, and he doesn't want to "fuel the transference". I was pretty angry, not because I feel he should fuel the transference, but because he's said LOADS of things more transference-fuelling than liking me. Like "I'm not ready for you to leave" and "of course I feel love for you" so why the **** is now the moment to start worrying about fuelling transference? I did manage to express some of this. But then I let him off the hook bit. But there's still a lot to resolve.

Not to be judgey of your T (because I know I definitely feel like I'm allowed to criticize my T but don't necessarily like when other people do), but I definitely felt irked on your behalf reading this.
Did he apologize/backtrack at all? I hope things can get somewhat resolved...

He was quiet after I challenged him, then I let him off the hook saying "I know you're just a person and I can't expect you to be totally consistent" and he just said "Well you can expect it, but you will probably be disappointed". I plan to put him back on the hook on Wednesday.

He referenced T1 and not wanting to repeat what he did, but he's missing the point because it was exactly the inconsistency, and moving between fuelling it and going cold that hurt me so much. T's actions aren't nearly on that scale but I need to get that across to him.

Just wanted to say I really respect and admire that you're self aware enough to reflect on this and how it affects you and that you're consciously standing up for yourself in bringing it up with him and making sure he acknowledges it, and doing so in a mature and articulate manner (though if you wanted to get angry and swear at him that would be understandable, I just don't know whether or not that would be your style)

Thanks Labrat. I told him I wanted to tell him (and myself) to **** off. He said maybe I should give voice to that rather than commenting on it. I said I couldn't tell him to **** off.

The part of myself I wanted to tell to **** off is the articulate part who wants to "work" on this, when the rest of me is tired and pissed off with being a good client.

Well, in sharing that with him, you did give voice to it. Not in the same way as if you said it to him like, "**** off, T!" But you still shared your thoughts, which is good.

And you know I struggle with the "being a good client" thing, too...

Labrat, I know that Complex PTSD isn't yet codified in the DSM or ICD, but it certainly seems to me that the symptoms you experience fit the bill. You clearly carry a really crushing burden due to your childhood abuse that has infiltrated your life. I don't recall reading any details about the things that happened to you as a child, but the information I do have (your thought patterns, beliefs) is sufficient for me to have no doubt you were consistently traumatized. I know my opinion is of little weight against the overwhelming habit you've been conditioned into to minimize your abuse... but I felt compelled to say it anyway.

I'm also PM'ing you some stuff.

Yeah thanks LT. I said to him that the part of me that desperately wants him to like me is not the part that is a good client, but it uses that part to attain the feeling of being liked by him. Even though it reinforces the other part's belief that deep down that part of me is unacceptable. It's a horrible bind.

Stubbornness is probably the most popular complaint by patients against therapists. And vice versa.

my session went well.... it was nice enough to go for a walk.. then we talked about the hard stuff. it went okay... I'm glad

T yesterday. Sat down, I commented on weather, as did he. T: "So, hello!" Me: "Hi." Pause. Me: "So I've mostly been doing OK."

I mentioned a party Saturday, how H had been unsure about going, partly due to conflicts among some friends. I said I'd kinda pushed for us to still go, which is unlike me as an introvert. T seemed impressed. I said how the kids seemed to flock to me at the party, which is unusual for me. How this one 5-year-old boy was like, "Will you play a game with me?" T: "Aww." I said it was weird, that I actually felt like I knew how to interact with them, which I normally don't. T said that neurotypical kids (as opposed to kids on autism spectrum, like my D) are much easier to interact with because they kind of lead the play themselves, I just have to follow along. That kids on spectrum, you have to do much more leading. Felt again like him talking from personal experience. I also mentioned how D was actually playing with some of the other kids. Me: "That's an encouraging sign, right?" T: "Definitely."

I said I was trying to figure out what to talk about (had a few ideas). T: "How are you doing dealing with ex-MC?" (I'd expected him to ask about how I was dealing with wife FB postings, so that surprised me.) Me: "OK, I think. Well...I guess he did show up in a dream last night. Though it was kind of a reassuring dream. Oh, and he was in one along with you a week ago--I was going to tell you last Monday, then was kinda nervous, then was going to tell you Thursday but all the other stuff came up, so...not sure if i should tell you now?" T: "It's up to you.:

Me: "OK, so, you and ex-MC were both invited to some party I was going to, I don't know why." T: "Was I an Olympic athlete or a Nobel prize winner?" Me: "Uh, I don't think so?" T: "Aw, OK." Me: "I mean, you weren't wearing a medal around your neck or anything." T: "Maybe I left it at home." Me: "Maybe."

Back to dream. "Ex-MC arrived, and I managed to basically avoid him. You arrived, and I kept thinking you were ignoring me, but I guess it's what you'd do in public? But then you came over and like put your arm around me, as a greeting. Then you touched my shoulder and said, 'Good, you're not cold.' Which I thought was interesting, like you were trying to take care of me. I'm not sure I should share the other part." T said was up to me. Me: "Well, it's kinda funny, so...OK, I was talking to you, and realized you kinda had your shirt pulled up, like to show me your stomach, and I was trying to avoid looking at it." T seemed bemused. I said how a friend had an interpretation of it, but that I didn't want to go into that now. T said was fine.

He asked how much stock I put in dreams, and I said it really depended. Like some seem totally random, others seem to have more meaning. He said he tends to think of it just as the brain processing stuff from the present. I asked why then people from my past appear in dreams, like my college ex. He said maybe he represents something for me. I said in dreams about him it's like he shows up, we have some encounter, he's gone. T asked if that's how he was in my life, I said how he did come back, like dated in college, then tried again in my 20s. But he was addicted to prescription painkillers (T: "ohhh"), hadn't really changed, turned out he'd been living with girl he cheated on me with. Then apparently later he got back with her, as they're married with a kid. I said I suspected we'd be divorced if we married after college, described tumultuous relationship. T said probably good I avoided that one, and I agreed.

Talk turned back to ex-MC. I said I felt like I'd mostly moved past it. Yet, in walking from my car to T's office, I walk past a cafe where ex-MC sometimes sees clients. And I find that I always stare into the cafe. Me: "I'm not sure if I"m hoping to see or hoping not to see ex-MC." T said he thought it was that I didn't want to be surprised by him. I said that made sense. He said how maybe it could be good for me if we had incidental run-in, like just say hi, break the ice. I said maybe, especially if I'd feel OK afterward. But I couldn't really orchestrate that, and T agreed.

Around that time, T looked pointedly at his wrist, where he has a Fitbit. Me: "Are you checking the time?" T: "No, this is really weird, but I just had this sensation in my hand like I had a splinter. It went away but it was strange." Me: "That's odd." T: "I guess you don't have hairy hands." Me: "Uh, no." T: "But maybe I pushed a hair into my skin or something." Me: "Maybe?" Back to our regularly scheduled program.

He said he wondered what would happen if I reached out to ex-MC again. I said I wasn't sure that I would because of how it went this time. He said it would probably depend on the circumstances. I said he was really far down on my list of supports, like I'd probably only reach out to him if a bunch of others fell through.

T said he wondered if ex-MC would continue replying to me. That it put him in a place of potential liability. Because if he's replying to me, that suggests we're still in a therapeutic relationship. If something were to happen, maybe I wouldn't be vindictive, but... Then T went to a morbid place.

Me: "Is it OK if I bring up some friend stuff?" T: "Of course." Discussed how I realized that in friendships, like other relationships, I tend to be a people-pleaser and want everyone to like me. So I might not bring up if something is bothering me. Or I might not want to be critical of someone in that person's life. Like I just try to be supportive and try to give people in their lives, like T's, SOs, etc., the benefit of the doubt. But then I don't feel some people do that back to me. But maybe I'm just being unrealistic in a friendship, like maybe it's just a me thing. T said how it does seem like I try to be supportive of people in general, and that can be a good thing.

I said I just wasn't sure how to navigate friendships, like if I don't necessarily feel like certain things are helpful. Do I just avoid certain topics? Talk to the friend about it? Pull back? He suggested something in the middle, to try to adjust expectations, that if it keeps being an issue, I could talk with them about it, but to be careful in what I say.

SECTION DELETED

We spoke a few more minutes on the friend topic. I glanced at the clock and saw it had been a full hour. I said I knew we had to stop. T: "Thanks for keeping an eye on the time. Sometimes I just keep talking and don't shut up." Me: "Yep! It's OK, it was helpful."

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for Monday. T went to his computer. T: "Oh, that's weird!" Me: "What?" T: "I have my screensaver set to nature scenes, but right now it's a staircase." Me: "That is odd." As I was standing up, I noted that my foot had fallen asleep. T: "I guess I put your foot to sleep then!" Me: "Maybe!" Paid. T, shaking my hand: "Good luck in the cold weather." Me: "You too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

Honestly LT I do not want to know what "Dr. T" thinks of me, but thanks for making sure I was included there. Christ. Sorry for caring about your well-being and wanting you to have a competent therapist. I won't bother caring anymore.

Uh, I intentionally didn't identify anyone in there--and you've personally admitted that you only believe in humanistic therapy. So I don't see why that's any strange thing or surprising thing if he disagrees with it, because he's not a humanist? Also you could have just messaged me instead of including it on here. This doesn't mean I don't care about you or appreciate you caring about me--but if that's what you want to believe, then fine.

I think it was extremely rude of you to talk about myself and another forum member like that where you know we will see it. You clearly wanted us to.

For the record, I have not "personally admitted that [I] only "believe in" humanistic therapy" at all, I believe that all the various mainstream modalities have their place, can benefit various people at various times for various issues, and can also be used in an integrative way very effectively (this probably doesn't include your T, since he doesn't have any theoretical base or structure to his work at all and basically just does whatever he feels like). I work in a humanistic way and that is where my heart is. But I love that you want to pretend that's the only reason I think your therapist is s**t. So go ahead, put it down to that if it makes you feel better.

Fine, I'll delete that section.

Bit late for that isn't it?