In Session Today: Part V

(((Kit))) not to contradict myself, but they would pull that line on me too. Whichever way was "right" for the moment. Really no wonder im effin nuts.

I was supposed to have therapy today. In fact, I'd be in his office right now.

As I was heading out the door he texted to cancel. His bird has been in the hospital and it had just passed away. I feel really bad for him. I know how hard it is to lose a pet and he loved that little bird (African Grey) so much. I obviously told him I was very sorry for his loss.

I guess it worked out because I didn't really have anything to talk about anyway. I had written him a four page letter I wanted to give him about how disappointed I am in his classes at school, but that was separate from therapy anyway.

We are booked for next Thursday, and I will see him on Monday at school if classes aren't cancelled. I'm not sure if he's going to pick up his bird's body or not (his bird was at a vet in another province).

I just feel empty when I haven't had therapy, but I know it's not the end of the world, and I'm thankfully in a good place right now anyway. So instead, I'm writing my paper on the Rorschach Ink Blot Test - it's due Monday. This will have to be my therapy.

I had to explain what "human centipede" was. Fml

I have never heard that term. You'd have to explain it to me, too.

Ive asked for trigger warning. Please go to another forum to discuss this.

I think they were joking, don't worry

Hugs, Kit. That doesn't seem healthy either, to make you stick with something for that long that you dislike. Mine didn't push for that but were similar in the "Oh, you only got an A-, why not an A+?" mindset. Focusing on what I didn't do vs. what I did. It's no wonder I'm a perfectionist...and always worry about letting authority figures down...

I’m so confused. What is triggering?

I wasnt joking. I googled it. a pretty gross horror movie came up. Thats why i asked for a trigger warning, and for it to be discussed in another forum. It was not a pleasant surprise, to say the LEAST.

If you have an INNOCENT, clean, inoffensive, G-rated explanation, i would love to hear it.

I also found another, also-non-G-rated definition. I...would not suggest trying to find it.

I felt a little giddy that for the first time in over a year I didn’t feel like a huge magnet was trying to pull me away from my weekly therapy appointment. I mentioned this to my T and asked him why he thought that was, and of course he responded by asking me what I thought about it. I said it’s very clearly correlated with his decision to stop responding to my emails, but I can’t be sure that’s the cause and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me because I really hated the fact that he chose to stop responding to my emails so I could never have imagined it could turn out to be a good thing. In any case, once he decided to stop answering my emails, I took a week off and felt surprisingly empowered by this. I actually did a late cancellation, spoke to my T about not wanting to pay for this despite the fact that it didn’t meet his cancellation requirements, and he agreed that I shouldn’t pay. He said that he thought I was no longer giving him all the power which is why he thought there was a shift in our therapy.

We talked mostly about my mom from whom I’m estranged and the fact that I’m really struggling with whether or not I should try to reconnect with her. I don’t want to but I do feel a daughterly obligation. I told him about how this week my daughter was emotionally distraught over a break up with her boyfriend and several tough work-related caregiving issues (I work with cancer patients) that I actually enjoy, but were making me feel emotionally drained. One day last week I just had the urge to call my mom (or the ideal version I’ve created in my head) and have her listen to me talk about my hard day. I said I wanted to be on the other end of one of those caregiving relationships like the kind I have with my daughter or with cancer patients. I want someone to look out for me and ask if I’m ok. To my surprise, I cried when I was saying this. Not a sobbing sort of cry, but had trouble finishing my sentence and had way more tears streaming down my face than I was comfortable with. I didn’t look at my T at all because I felt self-conscious, but we just sat quietly for a few minutes. I think he was saying a few things when I noticed we were over our time by 3-4 minutes and I said “I should probably go.” He *never* goes over time so it felt like a big deal. I’m not sure what to think about the fact that I cried. It really felt like an over-reaction on my part and I was feeling a bit like a therapy imposter. Despite the fact that I was crying, being a therapy imposter was on my mind much more than any sadness about lack of connection with my mother. I guess I’m not used to crying in front of him and was confused about it. I’m also aware that there’s been a pretty big shift in the way T and I relate and I think it’s good, but it has been unexpected.

First off I meant I think the post asking for an explanation with the smiley was joking. Secondly given that my op was about me having to explain something I didn't want to I don't understand why you'd just Google it and not ask what the nature of the term was here or in pm? If I wanted to upset ppl I'd have included the description in op.

Lrad123, that sounds like a really productive session and like taking a week off was really good for you. That's awesome.

My session yesterday ended with sort of a disagreement, I was saying that I didn't feel like I was a burden to T because he gets paid, and he seemed to think that it was a problem that I'd feel like a burden if I wasn't paying. I think his point was that I don't need to earn or pay for help from people, I can just trust that they will help me anyway. I guess that makes some sense for friends and family, but in therapy? I thought part of the purpose of paying was so I didn't have to feel bad about not giving back in any way. To be continued, I guess.

Started off by saying I had been really sad the last two days. But my job interview still went okay. T asked why I felt sad. I told him I'd like to sometimes talk about certain things, but can't. Why not? Because I'm scared he'd leave. He asked what I think goes on in his head when I say that even though he constantly reassures me that it won't happen. I said he's probably annoyed, he confirmed that. He said I provoke the feelings that I'm scared of. Then he wanted to know what the thing was I'd sometimes like to talk about but feel like I can't. I said I'm too scared to talk about it.

I turned around so I didn't face him anymore. He said I do this often, I come in and first I'm quite calm, but then I suddenly switch, get very emotional, change my behavior and don't talk properly anymore. He said he feels like it's mostly conscious too but that I can't do much about it. I confirmed that, I told him it often happens when I want to say something but don't have the courage to do it.

He mentioned how this is part of our therapy, to get me to a point where I can speak up if I want to say something or if I want to change the topic. He asked whether there was something specific I wanted to talk about currently. I nodded. "What is it?" - "It's hard to talk about." He wanted to know whether it's important. First I asked how you know when something is important, but then I answered that myself saying it's important if you feel like talking about it. Then I said it's important. Him: "So, what's the important thing we should talk about?" - "You can't get an answer that easily!" We both laughed.

We were silent a lot. He asked me what was going on in my head and I replied I'm thinking about what a good starting point for the discussion might be. I asked him again whether I'd still be allowed to see him, no matter what I say. He said of course. He mentioned how we had so far talked through everything that had ever happened between us and it would continue to be that way. He said how I can tell him about everything. Then, he went: "Unless you murdered somebody... I'd rather not know that." I said it wasn't that, but why I couldn't tell him if that were the case. He said in such a situation he'd not know what to do, whether to go to the police or not. It would make his feelings complicated. It's a boundary of his. "But if you robbed a bank I think I could deal with it!". We both laughed again.

I said it's not something like that. I'm just scared to talk. I feel ashamed. Why do I feel ashamed? Because people say it's not okay to talk about. Who? People in the past...

There was some silence again. I thought about how to talk some more. I asked whether we still have time to talk. It sounded like he looked at his watch, then he said yes. So, I started telling him how when I used to trust other people in my life (a teacher as well as a male friend), I'd always quickly feel like I was in love. But then one time, I met this girl, and it felt completely different. He wanted to know that felt different about it, but it was hard to pinpoint. It just felt more like what being in love is described as in books. He asked whether I felt like I fall in love quickly. I said no, it just feels very similar, but I don't think it's the same thing. He asked whether I felt the same way in therapy. I said no, here it's different. I like him, but not in that way. With that male friend, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to have a relationship. With my T it's not like that, I like him, but more like a dad.

So, he asked why I felt ashamed about that. I replied sometimes I have fantasies. "What kind, just say it." I didn't want to. He told me how if a woman has a crush on her therapist, there can be positive and negative things about that. He asked what they'd be, but I was so upset that my answer didn't make a lot of sense. He then went on about how on the one hand it meant that the chemistry was good and that's helpful in therapy, but on the other hand she'd be so preoccupied about pleasing the therapist and doing what he thinks is best that therapy won't really work.

I told him it's not like that for me. I sometimes think about him, but actually not that often. Maybe three or four times a week. More when I'm upset because it's comforting, but I feel that's fine. I often think about what to talk about in therapy, but not about him specifically. He said okay, that sounds fine. Then he went: "So, about the fantasies, I'm just going out on a limb... are they sexual?" I nodded. He said how everyone has fantasies and that sounds completely fine and normal. I replied that the issue is that I don't actually feel like that. I'm not attracted to him. So it irritates me.

He started talking about how for me, fantasy and reality is really close together, I almost can't distinguish between the two. And how for him, the two are very different. You can do whatever you want in your fantasy, it's all fine. It doesn't have to match reality. He mentioned we had talked about a similar thing before, and how he tries to show me what his way of thinking is, so I can try and copy that from him.

We started to slowly wrap up, he told me what time he could schedule me for next Wednesday, then I left.

Saw T today, and immediately told him I wad really anxious but wasn't sure why I was feeling that way. I explained that the morning was already a rough start with my.baby being sick and electricians being at my house. I told him about how I sometimes bite my hands while I'm driving if I'm feeling anxious, and he asked what do I do in session when I'm feeling like that. I showed him the fidget that I've been bringing with me the past week and told him how that helps me. We got on the subject of being able to speak my mind freely in session and the whole issue for me about the couch and foot rests. I think we spent most of the sessions talking about that and how I worry that if I let him in as a therapist and allow myself to be comfortable in session that I'll get hurt by him terminating me or leaving his practice like my other past therapists have done. We also talked about how past therapists have measured in checklists on how I was doing and that I didn't find it helpful, how he sees therapy as a process. I only see him on Monday and hopefully Tuesday morning if I can figure out childcare because of Thanksgiving.

Brief writeup (OK, perhaps not so brief...) from Thursday's session before I head out for today's. Spent first 5-10 minutes ranting about the miserable weather. I said how I was either dedicated or crazy to drive to see him in the sleet. T: "I don't like the word 'crazy.' Let's go with 'dedicated.'" Me: "OK."

I mentioned how I'd gone for a 2-mile walk in the cold weather the day before, that I'd only planned to go for a mile but opted to continue because I felt pretty good. T: "Good for you!"

I said I'd gotten D's report card the day before and it made me feel sad. How I'd been feeling good about her progress until I read that, with so many 3's for effort in reading, math, and behavior (lowest rating--"needs improvement") and so many "N's" ("not yet apparent") in math and reading. T (in a caring voice): "I'm sorry it made you feel bad."

The rest of the session was about stuff with D. As most probably know, she's on the autism spectrum, and T's son is also on the spectrum (a few years older than my D), though he rarely mentions him. That session, it felt like he was talking to me both as a T and as a fellow parent of a kid on the spectrum--I just felt a particularly high level of empathy and understanding from him.

For example, he was asking how much we work on at home with her. I said probably not enough, that I felt guilty about it at times. He said I didn't need to feel guilty. That parents of kids on the spectrum play the roles of case manager, occupational therapist, speech/language pathologist, plus some other roles (I forget what all he said). Me: "So I'm probably playing more roles than the parent of a neurotypical kid?" T: "Not 'probably'--you definitely are." Me: "OK, that helps to hear..." I said how H often acted like she was just a typical kid, which made it hard.

T was saying how we need to particularly address the behaviors (like not paying attention, etc.) before she can really do the learning. And how we need to essentially come up with an IEP for home (IEP is individualized education plan, which she has for school that includes things like speech therapy, sensory breaks during the day, some time working on social skills, etc.--she's mainstreamed, so these are accommodations to help her). And that H and I need to be on the same page about stuff. And to determine what we can afford, what we have time for, etc. (like if we wanted more outside services, as he said there's a limit to what school can do).

T: "It might be helpful for you to go to a marriage counselor...uh..." he kinda laughed to himself as he caught himself, reminded of ex-MC. "More of a family therapist, but not so much for you and H to work on marriage but to talk about D, to come up with a plan together. Even just for a session or two." I said that sounded like a good idea, and I hoped H would be willing to do that. I asked if he had any names for me that weren't part of a particular major organization here that provides services for kids with special needs, since we hadn't had best experiences with behavioral therapists there. T said he wouldn't suggest there anyway, adding, "I wouldn't take my son there." Which was surprising, because he never mentions his son in relation to autism. So it was like he was openly acknowledging that parallel there.

(Note for those who don't know: It wasn't him who told me about his son, it was ex-T who mentioned it when I said I'd be seeing him, like "Oh, he has a son on the spectrum." I eventually told T about it like a month or two in when we were discussing fidget toys and he seemed a bit too knowledgeable about the subject and I started feeling awkward for knowing. He was glad I'd told him but a bit p*ssed at ex-T for sharing that with me. I'm kind of glad I know though, because it makes me feel like he gets it, even if we don't actually talk about his son at all.)

He said he'd ask some colleagues for a suggestion of a name, that I wasn't the first client to ask about that--which he said is evidence of how prevalent autism has become. I mention the size of the local autism parents group on Facebook and how that suggests it as well.

Ended by confirming today's session and that I'm on schedule for Wednesday. I said I was still a little on the fence about coming twice this week, and he mentioned that he'd also be in Friday (day after Thanksgiving) in the morning, that we could just discuss Monday. I said I didn't want to cause any issues with scheduling for other clients (like if I changed my mind about Wed.), but he said not to worry about it. Went over, paid, shook hands, as he said to have a good weekend, and I said "You, too." I reminded him about checking on a family therapist, and he thanked me for reminding him, said he'd email colleagues after his next client.

I talked about my generalized anger/frustration that isn't at any person or thing. It's just the emotion and action urges (wanting to throw things, kick things, slam doors, scream). That I think I used to channel it into anger at myself, but if I'm not taking it out on myself it has nowhere to go.
It really started a few months ago when he had me write the stupid ****ing anger letter to my mom that brought up a lot of memories of my childhood that I'd forgotten about/hadn't thought about for many years

It's not fair that I ended up like this. It's not fair that I have to spend all this time trying to undo the damage.

He wanted me to "try to find meaning" in it.
And like when I said I was dealing with anger because of the unfairness he said he didn't want me to "be a victim." He thought it would be "helpful" to find meaning in it.
Like that I'm empathetic and mine or whatever. I told him that was ****ing stupid.

Like it's either fair or it's unfair. I either deserved it/it's my fault, or I didn't deserve it/it's not my fault. And that it would be helpful if there was meaning does not make it true. You can't just choose to find meaning where there isn't any just because it would be convenient.
What's next? Is he going to tell me that everything happens for a reason or some ******** like that?
There's no reason or purpose or deeper meaning. My childhood ****ed me up because my parents sucked as parents and I was an oversensitive whiny little ***** who couldn't toughen up.

No, it's not fair.

((LabRat))

He tried to work out what was on the t shirt I was wearing. I said Toshiro Mifune, my favourite actor. I said the shirt a character from Seven Samurai and asked if he had seen it. He said he didn't think so but he saw the original I was like "this is the original!" I don't think it's ever been remade so I don't know why he thought I was talking about a remake. I told him how much I love Kurosawa films. And Mifune in particular. Though something in his manner kind of reminds me of my late ex.

I told him I needed to talk about the shame I felt last session. I said sometimes I feel toxic and like he doesn't deserve to have to deal with me. As I said that I teared up. He asked me to explore that, to see what's underneath it. I tried but I just couldn't.

I said there was something I wanted to tell him that I think is linked to/a result of the shame last session, but that I couldn't. I had been googling him and found some pictures of him at conferences and I also found out his middle name from a register he is on. But I couldn't tell him that so I was arguing with myself about it, but only verbalising one half of the argument. So I was like "but the shame coming up in the relationship is important, it exists to be worked through" then sitting there silently while the other part internally said " what if he rejects you? He's reacted badly before.". I told T I was having an internal battle. He said "Yeah you keep interrupting yourself" I told him he was only hearing one half of the argument.

I said I didn't want to ignore or dismiss the part of me that didn't want to tell him. He said "I wonder what its purpose is" I said "to protect me from rejection". T said "that sounds like a laudable purpose"

I said "I've been googling you a lot and I think it's because I feel shame anyway and this perpetuates that cycle." I told him what I had found.

T said his hunch is that the shame is from a very long time ago and so it feels unreachable. His sense is that this is me trying to bring the shame into the here and now. I said "so we actually have something to work with" he said "exactly.".

I asked him for his response to what I told him. He thought for a while and was smiling. He said it makes him think about the dualism of wanting to be seen and not wanting to be seen, and said he is smiling because it reminds him of a conversation he had about that on Monday.

I was quiet and he asked where I had gone. I said I felt like he had gone straight to some other abstract time and place because it was safer than talking about his response to me. That I think it means there's somethung in his response to me that he wants to avoid.

He was quiet. I said "it doesn't matter". He said "it does matter." He said "I have two responses. I quite enjoy the attention of you searching for me online, and also I'm worried that you'll find something I'll wish you hadn't found. He said "and you're right. It was easier for me to talk about something from another time and conversation".

I was quiet. He asked what I was thinking. I said I want to split the atom. There's probably no point. He asked what I wanted to find in the atom. I said whether he didn't want me to find something because of its impact on me, or because of him. He said both, that he is worried about hurting me, and he is also worried about me finding something he might be ashamed of (though he doesn't know what that could be). He said he thinks the shame is happening between us in the room.


T tilted his head, smiled with his eyes and said "this must be really hard going for you. How are you doing?" I said "it is hard going".

We looked in each other's eyes for a long time. I said "that felt like the bit of us being roped together climbing a mountain (an ongoing metaphor) where you give me a hand up and hold onto me." He nodded. He said he noticed what hard work it was for me boring the footholes in the rock one-by-one.

We looked at each other for ages again. I asked if I could hold his hand. He gave me his hand. It was cold. I held it for a while and it got warmer. I looked at him and said "you know I love you".

We sat back and sat in silence again. With 5 minutes to go he said he hopes it's okay if he asks about my busy week. So I told him. I told him it's the competent me that he never sees and that I miss that he doesn't see it. I said "I know you're proud of me anyway though". He said "I am". He said he would quite like to see something I had done online but only wanted to look if I sent him the link, which was up to me. He said he wouldn't search for it. I said I appreciate that.

We stood up and hugged and I left.

Monday's T session: I talked about the stressful few days I'd had since the previous session. I said I'd taken H for his first colonoscopy Friday, that I hadn't realized he'd be going under general anesthesia for it. And I had sort of an unexpected reaction to seeing him when he'd just woken up from the anesthesia and was in the hospital bed in his gown. T: "Because he seemed vulnerable?" Me: "Yes, exactly." We probably could have explored that more but went in a somewhat different direction.

I mentioned he'd had the colonoscopy and upper endoscopy partly due to symptoms. T: "Ah, I thought he seemed a bit young for a screening one" (H just turned 41). He asked if they'd found anything, and I said how they removed a stomach polyp (also did upper endoscopy) that they're sending out for biopsy, but that the doctor wasn't concerned. T said he didn't know you could have stomach polyps, and I agreed. I said that would be 7-10 days, plus I'm still waiting for results from my mammogram like 2 weeks ago, and they'd said it would only be a week. T: "I would think if they found something they'd contact you right away. I've had times when test results--not a mammogram, obviously--took longer than expected to come back, and it was fine." I said he was probably right (and I got the results yesterday--yep, fine).

I said how next week I'm also having an ultrasound to sort of screen for ovarian cancer, since my mom had it around the age I am now (I noted that my aunt had breast cancer, but tested negative for the BRCA genes, but maybe I should get genetically tested anyway). I told him how last summer when I'd had one of those scans, I'd been really worried because they'd spent a long time on the one area. And because ex-T was out of town, I'd ended up texting ex-MC. And he called me the next day to check up on me, which I thought was really nice, though by then I'd found out results. He'd asked "How are you doing?" and I said I was OK. He said, "No how are you *really* doing, not like what you'd say to someone to be polite." How then I'd told him I'd already gotten results. I warned current T that there's good chance I could end up reaching out to him after that test because it really worries me. He said OK.

I explained how it particularly worries me since by the time you'd have symptoms, it's usually advanced (hence the scan). And my mom was lucky that her doctor found it on a regular exam (and it hadn't spread). T: "It must have been quite large then." Me: "Yes, when it was found, was the size of an orange. When they removed it was the size of a grapefruit. And I've hated grapefruit ever since." T: "You know it wasn't an actual grapefruit, right?" Me: "Uh, yes?" T: "OK, because you said you've hated grapefruit since then." Me: "Well, to be honest, I'd hated it before, too." T: "Ah, OK."

I said it reminded me of those charts they have for pregnancy where they compare the size of the baby to different fruits, like a cantaloupe. T: "A cantaloupe?!? That's really big, like third trimester. I was thinking more like a grape." Me: "Well...they grow." T: "I forget, you said you and your H are done having kids, that you just wanted one, right?" Me: "Yes, and he's had a vasectomy. Though I guess I'm still technically fertile." (No, I don't know why I told him that.) I think I made an offhanded remark about cheating. T: "Yeah, it would be pretty awkward if you got pregnant when he'd had a vasectomy." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "So I talked to H briefly about possibly seeing someone to help with D." T: "Oh! I forgot to send out that email last week. Hang on a sec." He grabbed his notepad and furiously scribbled something. T: "OK, I'll be sure to send that out to the listserv today." (He did and sent me a few suggestions yesterday.) Me: "OK, thanks. But H seemed fine with the idea of it." T: "Good!"

Me: "We actually have the conference with her teacher today." T: "Do you have a list of questions?" Me: "No, didn't have a chance to write one." He held out his pen and notepad to me, and I took it. We proceeded to go through various questions to ask her, requesting more frequent communication with her, potential accommodations for D (like if there's a standing desk in the room), etc. It was very helpful and also made me feel calmer about the conference.

I was holding and sort of playing with his pen the whole time we were talking. Me: "Maybe I need to start holding a pen during session. I'm finding this to be oddly calming." T: "You haven't played with your hair since you've been holding it." Me: "Yeah, you're right, or anything else. Or maybe I just need to bring in some sort of fidget toy other than my bracelets." T: "You're welcome to play with magnetic stones over there." Me: "I'm OK. Ex-MC used to often hold a pen, though he never had a notepad." T: "So just a prop then." Me: "Yeah." A few minutes after that, I realized I was subconsciously playing with my hair with my other hand, and stopped.

I knew we had to stop. I tore of the sheet of paper and handed him back his notepad and pen. Confirmed Wednesday--he said he'd also be in office Friday if I preferred that. I asked if it was OK to keep Wednesday instead, that I wondered if maybe he was trying to get out of working that day, like I was the only client on his schedule so he wanted me to move days? T: "Nope, I'm in the office 10:30-6:30 Wednesday." Me; "OK then!"

Went over to pay, T shook my hand, saying, "Have a good couple days." Me: "Thanks, you too."

(((Echos))) good work!

Awww that was a lovey session to read. Thank you for sharing.

Was a bit early but T still was ready right away. We went to his room, both were quiet for a while. I said he'd have to write me a new prescription. He answered that he'd already prepared it. Then he asked how my week was. I said it had been quite stressful, especially searching a job. I have applied for too many positions. Now I have to decide which one I'd like, and that's hard. Some of the companies do something a bit more related to physics, but all of them have large offices with a lot of people per room. And one company is a bit less interesting, but I'd only have to share my office with two or three people, which sounds nice. Plus their coffee machine is great.

He asked me which companies I had already visited. I have seen one of the large ones already and will have an introduction to their software in a few days. The small one I already know because my partner works there too. "Is that not a problem? Do they know you're together?" Yes, they know, most of his co-workers have met me during company events. It didn't seem to be a problem, and the interviews went really well too. They asked a few technical questions, I didn't know some of the things they asked about, but when I mentioned I didn't know the language in which their examples were written, they said they think I could easily learn it. Everything sounded quite positive.

We went quiet. I said there had been a newspaper article a few days ago about . I was annoyed by it. T asked why. I said normally these things don't bother me. Reading about it or seeing pictures. But that time it did. Mostly because it was badly written. The article made it seem like it's a problem only 15 year olds have. He answered other people struggle with this too, older ones. He also said that nowadays the media talks more about this topic, probably because there are statistics that document stuff now. I got a bit mad about that, saying that it already existed in the past, so why treat it differently now.

Then I mentioned reading a bit more about mindfulness. But I'm still not really that far into it, I'm trying to take my time. After a bit of silence, he asked me what I was thinking about right now. I said I'm sad. T asked what the mindfulness said about sadness, but I couldn't answer that, I had just started doing this stuff. He said I should just say what I'm feeling physically and mentally. I mentioned that my back hurts and that I'd like to cry. He said I should just go with how I feel right now, try to really feel all the emotions that come up. I started crying. We sat in silence while I cried. After a while, he asked whether it was okay that he didn't say much and I nodded.

A bit later, he asked whether I was holding anything back. I nodded again. He said: "You know you shouldn't do that here." I started crying even more, probably loud enough for the other clients and therapists in the office to hear. T reminded me to concentrate on my breathing whenever that started to be too quick. At some point he asked me what my thoughts were currently. I answered that I have lots of memories from the past coming up. He wanted to know whether we should focus on one of them, but I said they are changing too much and quickly for me being able to make sense of it. I continued crying for a while.

At some point he instructed me to sit more upright, which I did. He told me to focus on my feet touching the floor and my legs touching the chair. Then he asked whether I wanted to look at him. First I only looked at his shoes. I saw him lower his head a bit the way he does it every time when I try to look at him. When I managed to look up, he smiled and nodded. I managed to look at him two more times, I think.

Then, I mentioned being scared that he'd be mad. He asked whether he was. I said no, but whenever I cry people get mad. He mentioned that it's important for me to realize that he's nod mad, to feel that. I replied I'm upset that I can't talk properly. I have all these thoughts and would love to just tell him everything. But somehow it just doesn't work. He said how that's okay and that he's there with me, trying to sit through all my feelings and experiences. That I share stuff sometimes and that we can go as slow as I want to.

I cried a bit more, then he said we'd have to wrap up. I started gathering my stuff while he got up to go copy my prescription. After that, we confirmed our usual appointment on Friday and said good bye.

This warms my heart. I like the sound of your T. Seems like a tough but good session.

Thank you it was a tough session but I felt a lot lighter afterwards. I feel like we did good work. I love him very much.