[MRT6211]

How does one work on abandonment and attachment issues? Has anyone done specific therapy work on this? I wrote to my T about working on this because I know it’s something that’s holding me back, but I don’t know how to work on it, we’ll see what she says about it in session on Tuesday. We do CBT/DBT, I’m not really sure how this school of therapy works on such issues.

[Merope]

I’m not entirely sure how one works through it, but for me, just talking about it with T has helped. I’m terrified of abandonment, but only in relation to certain people. T is one of them. In fact, losing T has become my biggest fear. Telling him this was hard because it made me feel extremely vulnerable, but each time I bring it up he reassures me that it won’t happen. I don’t always believe it, but consistency helps.

When it comes to abandonment fears, mine are a bit like this: “they all left before him, it’s only a matter of time until he leaves me too”. The fact that he hasn’t and he constantly says he won’t is slowly diminishing that notion. It’s not easy, I still have days when I’m convinced I’m kidding myself, but so far he has proven me wrong. So I guess for me, the therapeutic relationship and his consistent presence is the therapy.

[koru_kiwi]

long story short, the way i worked through both my attachment and abandonment issues was with a 'non-traditional multifaceted approach' incorporating the help of neurofeedback therapy, a very involved and supportive spouse, and to a lesser extent my talk therapy therapist. the neurofeedback helped to calm my anxiety, fears, and emotional dysregulation. my husband helped by becoming involved in my therapy by accompanying me to most of my sessions, including being involved with my neurofeedback therapy. with my husband attending my sessions, he became quite attuned to me and my issues and because of that, he was able to provide the support, both emotional and physical, i was needing on a level that my talk T realistically never could provide. i was able to start forming a secure attachment to my husband, the kind of attachment i could never really form with my T. as my anxiety and fears calmed because of the neurofeedback i was doing, i was able to start seriously focusing on addressing the attachment transference and abandonment fears that i had with my talk T. i knew i was ready to terminate talk therapy when i no longer felt a chaotic attachment to my T and i no longer feared being abandoned by my T.

it was this book that encouraged me to look into trying the neurofeedback. it definilty resonated with me when i read it, 'Neurofeedback in the Treatment of Developmental Trauma'

Neurofeedback in the Treatment of Developmental Trauma | Sebern Fisher

[Ididitmyway]

The short answer to your question is that there IS no specific way to work on those issues. They are way too broad and deeply connected with your entire psychology starting with childhood traumas, as well as your general outlook on life and relationships, to craft some specific method on working on them. They get worked out as you work on your entire life.

I understand that this doesn't help and doesn't explain much, but that's just the reality. Any therapist who tells you that they know the exact method of how to work on those issues is a fraud.

Everyone finds their own way to work on them as they struggle through them. Kori-kiwi described their way. I've had my own and everyone else has had their own. Those issues are universal. Everyone has them. I don't believe there is any human being that hasn't experienced some sort of abandonment and who has had a perfectly secure attachment in relationships.

Resolving those issues has a lot to do with the change of the self-image and the perspective on life, which is a work for a life time, and it's the one that is never complete.

[Amyjay]

in my therapy we address the trigger of abandonment and attachment fears not by any set routine or method but by working with current day triggers (noticing being triggered, calming the neurological response with grounding skills etc) and developing an understanding of where those fears first came from. Over time,, by recognizing the present state of having those things triggered and putting them together with the understanding of where those responses and fears originated, it becomes easier to calm myself down when they get triggered. For me its just about recognizing where those fears originated and separating them from present day issues. When they get triggered up I remind myself the intensity of those feelings comes from past stuff that is not applicable to current day circumstances. Over time it gets easier to remind myself of that.

Originally Posted by MRT6211

How does one work on abandonment and attachment issues? Has anyone done specific therapy work on this? I wrote to my T about working on this because I know it’s something that’s holding me back, but I don’t know how to work on it, we’ll see what she says about it in session on Tuesday. We do CBT/DBT, I’m not really sure how this school of therapy works on such issues.

Forget the Sch of therapy. Concentrate on the person. If the T isn't trustworthy. Hasn't done their own. Work. Doesn't have a grasp on the issue involved then it's doom to fail.
My greatest asset in my therapy has been T herself.

[nottrustin]

T and I discussed it a lot not necessarily on relation to her. She always validated my thoughts and helped me realize all the people who were always there. They only person who abandoned me was my father. All the others that left did so unwillingly, primarily through death. We had this discussion in and off for our 10 years working together. While I know it will probably never go away, it is more manageable. Take knew I worried about her abandoning me. Again it sS something we discussed so over time it got easier. When I struggled she said it was okay to check in and ask her.

Her death has caused some of those fears to resurface but I keep reminding myself she didn't do it willingly it was just a stupid horrible accident. So now I have similar conversations with EMDR T. I asked her if she was okay with me checking in. She said of course and that urs things are fine between us, she isn't going anywhere and she loved working with me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T says she wants to rewrite my story; that I'm not always abandoned. Of course we talk about things that would be, in a sense, out of her control: moving, retirement, and death. She told me that she isn't abandoning me even if she dies. And if she moves, we'll work something out. As for after retirement, she will still see me at least once a year and I can still communicate with her. She's young, so none of that should happen. She's not leaving me. She reassures me every week.

Having the reassurance and consistency has really helped me. Three and a half years, and I'm really starting to trust her. I feel better about myself and my life knowing she's there.

DBT is supposedly supposed to help. Same with CBT. Helps you gain a different perspective and ways to cope. But I agree with the others, it's more important that you have a good T than what their modality is.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by MRT6211

How does one work on abandonment and attachment issues? Has anyone done specific therapy work on this?

I don't think I labeled them as such, as I think I characterized them as "interpersonal issues," but at some point I was able to identify the things I was doing in relationships that were causing me pain. The first was placing too much pressure on friendships/romantic relationships where I felt I really "clicked" with someone (so probably about attachment) and the other was kicking people to the curb, particularly romantic interests, when they weren't perfect for me (probably a fear of abandonment).

So part of my therapy dealt with going back to significant relationships and/or discussing current relationships that are reminiscent of old ones, and talking about how they went, what I could see in the hindsight mirror and how I could do things differently. Then I would try to do things differently and would see how I felt about that. Kind of rinse and repeat.

I have also talked a lot about loss in my therapy, which I think is interconnected. From the early deaths of my grandparents to choosing to walk away from a friendship that isn't right for me.

I don't think there is any magic in technique or tools except cultivating a better sense of awareness of self and others. Reflecting back on people and relationships with a specific lens has been helpful.

[MRT6211]

Many of you talked about your relationship with T being healing. I don’t know if that can ever happen for me again. Part of the reason I want to work on my attachment issues is that I don’t want to get attached to T again, because I know I’ll likely be with her for less than a year and it will hurt so badly when I leave her. Or she leaves me.

My last T...she helped me through the worst year of my life, and I got really, really attached to her. She kept saying that she wasn’t going to leave me. She said again and again “the only way I’m ever leaving here is if they fire me or in a body bag” so many times. She had been there for 13 years. I had told her that every single year in the summer since I’ve started therapy (4 years now), I had to leave my T or my T suddenly left me, so I would half-joke with her that it was “that time of year again” where my therapist leave, so she was going to leave. She kept telling me to stop being ridiculous. And then...suddenly...a matter of weeks before I went back to medical school (my big treatment goal), she told me she was leaving. She got a promotion and was no longer going to be at my program and wasn’t doing therapy anymore. I was devastated and traumatized, to say the least. I don’t feel like I can ever trust anyone, especially a T, that tells me they’re not going to leave me. It hurts me so much because the T that helped me the most, also hurt me so badly. She also told me that in her 13 years there, I was one of her favorite clients to see, and that when she was considering whether or not to take the promotion, I was one of the things that popped into her head as a reason to stay. That both felt great and absolutely awful to hear. I can still email her sometimes, but it’s not the same. She’s not my T anymore and I feel like I’m bothering her. And she only replies sometimes, so I feel super not secure about that.
So...I’m determined to try to not get attached to current T. It’s starting to happen and I either have to pull back or work through it, but both feel so hard. I’m leaning towards pulling back. I wrote to T that these are my options, I guess our session tomorrow will determine how I proceed. But it doesn’t seem like there’s a definite process or something that can really be worked out, so I’m probably going to pull back. :/

[satsuma]

MRT, I think that is really awful. I would also be very upset and devastated I think in your position.
Of course I don't think it is absolutely always awful and devastating for a therapist to accept a promotion that involves moving away. But if they know that there is any chance at all that at some point in their career, before retirement, they might apply for another job, they should NOT promise the contrary. That's so damaging and the opposite of helping with attachment problems, it must have reinforced your negative experience that anyone who is important or claims to be trustworthy will leave. I think your T handled things badly and should have been a lot more careful with your feelings i.e. not making promises she could not keep. I'm really sorry that happened

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by MRT6211

Many of you talked about your relationship with T being healing. I don’t know if that can ever happen for me again. Part of the reason I want to work on my attachment issues is that I don’t want to get attached to T again, because I know I’ll likely be with her for less than a year and it will hurt so badly when I leave her. Or she leaves me.

i definilty do not credit the relationship with my T as to what healed me. when i first started therapy, i thought it would be the relationship with my T that healed my attachment issues...that is what everyone was saying was suppose to happen, clients on the forums and therapists in their books, that i was suppose to form a 'secure' attachment to my T so i could work through my issues and heal my deep wounds. but the relationship with my ex-T never got to that place...it was always ambivalent in nature at best. and because of all the push and pull from me and the inconsistency from my T, the relationship never could reach that pinnacle of safety that one should experince in a secure attachment. it became nothing more than a reenactment of my past abandonment fears playing out over and over again, stirring up my transference reactions or my ex-Ts counter-transference towards me.

it wasn't until after many hurts and frustrations and as my transference started to fade because of the neurofeedback i was doing, that my disillusions of my Ts abilities and what he could offer started to fade and i could clearly see that my T was never realistically going to be able to meet or heal my attachment needs. especially, not in the limited way that therapy and the relationship is set up, with limited time each week and all the boundaries that go along with it. that is why i started to seek healing in the relationships in my real life. my husband could realistically provide me with the support that i was needing, including being here by my side witnessing much that was going on inside and outside of therapy sessions. he could give me the physical holding in those times of need or just because, because he truely cared, and i knew he did...i didn't doubt or question his level of care like i often did with my T. i trusted my husband and because of that, i was able to form that secure attachment with him while i worked through my issues. in regards to my T, the attachment i buillt with him became one that was 'good enough'. although i never fully trusted him (like i did my husband), i did get to a point where i trusted myself enough to know i could continue to work with him and it was ultimately going to be my decision as to when to end therapy and working with him.

also, what i found to be the most important aspect to assist in overcoming my abandonment fear was working on the interpersonal relationship with myself. it was through this work (when i started doing neurofeedback) that i was able to bring the fragmented and dissociated parts (including the wounded child parts) of myself together to where those parts were able to accept one another and begin to work together more as a unified team/whole self instead of existing in conflict and always contradicting each other. it was at this time, i finally came to love myself and fully believe that i was worthy of love. i did much of this work on my own, without the help of my T, in the internal world in my head and heart. it is what felt right for me to do when i was doing my NFB therapy. it turns out that a popular truama therapist has written a book about a similar concept that was released recently that i have been reading. it is called 'Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self Alienation' by Janina Fisher.
Amazon.com: Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation eBook: Janina Fisher: Kindle Store

i've heard others who have found the concepts she writes about to be very helpful for their healing as they work their complex trauma/ developmental truama issues and i would strongly recommend reading it to help you work through your abandonment/attachment issues, whether you continue seeing a T or not.

[musinglizzy]

I have been seeing my T twice a week for four years. She is retiring from clinical practice at the end of the year. Abandonment is exactly what I'm feeling. It's a choice she is making, and it really hurts. So I get it. After the first of the year, my T will no longer exist to me. That is very hard.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by MRT6211

So...I’m determined to try to not get attached to current T. It’s starting to happen and I either have to pull back or work through it, but both feel so hard. I’m leaning towards pulling back. I wrote to T that these are my options, I guess our session tomorrow will determine how I proceed. But it doesn’t seem like there’s a definite process or something that can really be worked out, so I’m probably going to pull back. :/

I also have abandonment and attachment issues. In my experience, trying to avoid getting too attached to a T can almost make it worse. The trying to fight against that and pushing away the thoughts and feelings can be a losing battle. So I've found it's best to talk about it when it comes up for me. If, say, I'm concerned T is upset with me, whether from something he said, body language, etc., I'll ask him about it--and he encourages that. He's reassured me about some things in the relationship (though he seemed reluctant to do so at first, but I think he now understands the importance for me, so that I can trust him and feel safe). At the same time, he's trying to help me strengthen my outside relationships and also to feel stronger in myself. It's not a fast process, but I think I'm making progress. So I'd suggest talking about it with your T.

I didn't have abandonment fears prior to entering therapy, but I think the structure either created abandonment issues for aggravated buried abandonment issues for me.

I think it's because by nature, therapy can be abandoning. A client is allocated a particular time slot for help/work/whatever... and after the session is over they are released back in the world to deal with the excavated problems and feelings on their own.