Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

Dear T,
I finished the race! And I improved on my time by a couple minutes! (I mean, they haven't posted official times, but I'm going off the number showing next to finish line and MapMyRun). Part of me wants to email and be like 'Yay look what I did!" but I know you don't tend to respond to nonurgent emails on the weekend so I may as well just wait to tell you Monday.
Love,
LT

P,

Kindly **** off out of my head, and let me do the healing work that I need to do, that I could not do with you. If I had never met you, I wouldn't have met R...but that doesn't mean that my animosity towards you doesn't affect the work I am doing now.

I don't hate you. I wish you well. Hope you and the T can work things out. These relationships can be pretty intense, can't they?

Yeah, they can be pretty turbulent. Thank you for your well wishes

ugh T. i hope you write back tonight, but i doubt you will. it is a saturday and you are on vacation. i just hate me so effing much.

I hate when I feel like putting myself out there and going against my social anxiety, because I always pay for it. I just need to be quiet all of the time. I am still reading the book. Otherwise, I think things are okay.

T: help me. what is wrong with me?

Sometimes I miss you so much it's almost unbearable.

ETA: I'm still not going to cry in the gym, regardless of what you said to me before. I'm sitting in my car and crying before going in, like a normal person.

After reading more of that book, I feel like a huge loser. I hope the book can help me with the feeling of humiliation and shame. If I could start my life over with the knowledge I have now, I would, but I can't. So, I am stuck being me although that's the last thing I want.

I'm so tired of being poor. I need to find where to earn extra $100-200 monthly so that I could affod a rent. I don't think I'm able to do any physical work like a dishwasher or a cashier or a waiter. What should I do?

I just want to live alone, drink and cry all day long

Could you do something like a call centre or reception? Many places will also provide accommodations to those with a disability (as required bt law).

Is it possible for you to EVER speak without a hidden .. thinly veiled...agenda and / or making a wrong negative judgment about me? You up yourself piece of ****

I deeply regret handing you people any money at all.

What I'd give for you to ask me if I wanted a hug!

There are jobs that don't involve manual labor, but you don't seem to be in a good place right now. If you're feeling this way, please go to the hospital and get help.

Dear T,
I feel sort of silly thinking, "Aw, you were thinking of me!" when you were just forwarding along a referral for me and H earlier today. But still, I figured I'd have to remind you of that, but didn't. And I was tempted to reply with "I did good in the 5K!" but just left it at "Thanks."
Love,
LT

I hate you.

I don't feel better today. The void is still there. The void is always there. I miss you.

Thank you Stopdog my sentiments exactly-I actually told mine that I could have furnished my house ,adequately ,with what I’d paid him (UK insurance covers 16 sessions in any 2 year period)-I also told him he was a cruel ba..ard and not to look me up if he needed any veterinary advice and ,as a I walked out the door ,that whatever he might have thought to the contrary,I did not want to be in his bed!!
Last I saw he was stuck to his chair-presumptuous prat

I am having a major anxiety attack right now. I just want you to make it all better.

I hate everything today. I wish I could talk to you.

Omg it is so hard to believe it has been over 5 1/2 months since I was able to talk to you. I am so angry that I responded the way I did in our last email exchange. Because of my insecurities I missed the opportunity to have one more appointment before your accident. I hate thiis. I hate days like this.

I am struggling as I get closer to my appointment this coming week. I am terrified of doing any real "work," but I'm finding it more and more exhausting to put up the facade that I feel okay.

I need to revisit my choices about how and where I devote my time and energy. I don't know if I can be honest with you about what's working and what's not and how hard it can be to try to implement some of my desires. Everyone around me is in a pretty negative place and fills me with a deep longing for it to be different.

tuesday feels far away, T.