Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

How is it that I simultaneously feel so "invalidated" and like that you don't think what I experienced was "bad enough," yet when you talk about my younger self with any bit of compassion or understanding it makes my skin crawl with discomfort and I hate it

On Friday you once again brought up the whole me calling my mom crying and begging her to come home to tuck me in at night thing. I told you about that because I was deeply ashamed of it and it was an example of how pathetic and weak and needy I was as a child. How I made things worse for my mother by being so weak, if she did come home she'd have to deal with my father.
I told you that because that's the kind of pathetic weakness I loathe in myself. And you bring it up to try to get me to feel compassion for myself??
Every time you bring it up I want to tell you to shut up shut up shut up shut up

I want you to validate that those years were hard, not point out how weak I was. I tried so hard to be strong, you don't need to remind me that I wasn't

Fourteen hours until I see you. I have no clue what to talk about. I haven't seen you in so longer, I wonder if you even remember who I am.

As much as I would like it all to stay the same, a rowboat is gentle waters, especially those things I cannot control, the more the wind kicks up and rocks the boat. I can fight the waves or I can row to a better place. Too bad feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by the conditions of the water can't magically be snapped away.

I’m trying to find a way to believe that this wasn’t your fault because I don’t want it to be, but I’m worried it was. If so, I need you to acknowledge it and promise to be honest with me even if it’s uncomfortable. Don’t treat me like a child.

I can't handle this

Does the cycle ever frigging end? I thought I could breathe today, but evidently not.

I'm trying to understand. I am. I did what you suggested and I got an answer. I don't think it's what you are expecting it to be though.

What you said, when I hear you say things like that, I feel like you think I can't handle my life. Surely you don't think that at this point, almost at zero hour. Goodness.

See you Thursday.

Dear T,
Maybe we need to spend some time on ex-MC today. A song came up on shuffle that I associated with him, and I figured "I'm fine to listen to this, it won't affect me still." Yet, here I am, tearing up. I think it's the ending line of "Nothing can touch us, my love" that gets me (as most of the rest of the song doesn't really have anything to do with him, it's more about drinking). I suspect it's partly that I know the anniversary of the rupture is looming. Plus seeing a post about someone else whose T didn't turn out to be who they thought they were. And something with Thanksgiving made me think about him, too--maybe because I tended to have "I'm thankful for him" thoughts on that day.

Love,
LT

Random intense self-loathing. I miss you, R... you would understand.

I just need to sleep.

Got into Master's Program. Tell you all about it tomorrow. So happy!!!

Congrats!!!!

Dear T,
So I imagine this is just coincidence, but it’s weird that after a session talking about ex-MC you said the same parting words to me that he used to say: “It was good to see you.” I don’t think you’ve ever said that to me before. In what, 100 sessions? I’m not sure how that makes me feel. Besides emotional.
Love,
LT

Dear Former T. It was nice that you emailed me on Thanksgiving. But it made me really sad too. Because I don't see you anymore. First Thanksgiving without you. It sucked. When is this going to stop hurting? Kit.

Dear PDOC. I'm glad you liked your Christmas Card. And I'm glad I was the first one to give you one! By the way, your front office couldn't get me in for 15 weeks. I hope I don't run out of medication. Kit.

(((LabRat27)))

I am getting more and more depressed as time goes by. My world feels like it is getting darker and darker. I see Pdoc next Monday. I am used to being dark, but I am kind of getting afraid. I continue to be the odd person that I am and having panic attacks over multiple meaning words. WTF is this? Is there a name for it? I really am weird, or at least I think so. I don't want to have another psychotic episode. When I had that, I stared at the wall and didn't even blink. I haven't gotten that bad, yet.

(((Anastasia~)))

<24 more hours. I still haven't decided how much I want to tell you. Part of me wants to just get it over with and admit to everything. But I'm so scared you'll think less of me. Part of me also hopes that you'd say what I want you to say. That you'd reassure me.

Last night as I fell asleep I was imagining you being comforting and saying what I wanted to hear and being visibly affected by my pain. I feel so creepy and pathetic for that.

Dear T,
I didn't want to email you but...I had to. I didn't say this in the email because it felt too exposing, but today I felt really connected to you, and validated by you, and that really scared me. And then you went and used the same closing words that ex-MC did. You're not him. You're not him. You're not going to do the same thing to me. (Right?) I just need to keep telling myself that.

Love,
LT

Every time I start to think about quitting therapy, we have a decent session, dammit.

Sharing my story with you felt… awkward. Then I felt exposed, vulnerable. Then, weirdly, I felt better. And the tightness in my gut loosened just a bit more.
Or maybe it was just gas.

I guess I’ll keep you for another week.
Dammit.

.

Every day I become more and more depressed as it slowly sinks in the bipolar disorder cannot be "cured," I will be like this for the rest of my life. That makes me feel so hopeless. Maybe we can talk about it next time.

Thank you for saying the words "eating disorder." I don't know if you were being careful with your language or not, but before you only said "food problems" and "disordered eating" and it made me feel like my ED wasn't valid, which triggered me because I felt like I needed to get worse. But you said it today, you said eating disorder. I know this is silly to anyone but me but thank you.

Do you even know I am still suffering over here at the hands of _________ ? I mean how long? Is there some set time I will be freed? For God's sake how long do I have to put up with this?