Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

I know I don't get angry I get mad. I can go from 0 --> 100 with no in between. It's taken me almost more than 12 hours to calm down.

Do I overact yes, but it's so hard to think clearly when I'm like that.

Are you going to email me back like you said you would? - I don't think you will. I think you'll be glad to get rid of me.

Each minute with you is £0.80p.I sent a payment for two- because of my phone call.

I was being sincere when I said I appreciated that you were trying to be helpful. My response was a lot more about me and my issues than about your response itself.

For context, compassion and empathy for others is something I sometimes struggle with having too much of to the point that I have difficulty allowing myself to feel anger about some things that happened. I'm trying to work towards allowing myself to believe that my own feelings matter too, and I feel guilty for that because part of my brain is telling me it's wrong to not completely suppress my own feelings for the sake of others.
While I understand how reframing it to use others as a motivator can be helpful, for me that would be reinforcing the type of thinking that I'm trying to change.

This is something I'm constantly struggling with and I was feeling very conflicted and vulnerable about a "victory" that was really really difficult for me, and the response inadvertently felt like it was reinforcing the ideas that I'm trying to challenge, and, while this is about my interpretation and not your intent, I felt like the significance, depth, and difficulty of this for me had been missed. This was why the phrase "useful qualities" rubbed me the wrong way—the difficulty in allowing myself to have compassion towards myself is inextricably linked to my self loathing, guilt, shame, self harm. It is the fundamental issue for me.

None of this is to say your response was inherently wrong, and this isn't something I think you should have known unless you're a mind reader.
My response was things I'm trying to convince myself of and convince myself are okay, and this whole thing is one giant sore spot for me.

I really do appreciate that you took the time to respond in a genuine attempt to be helpful, so thank you for that kindness, and I really am glad that reframing it has allowed you to make some progress.

Do I need to tell you how badly I ****ed up last night? I feel so ashamed right now.

T, I should not have asked. I know that now. So, now what?? Besides me being disappointed in myself. I know, I know I know.

It's just sad, isn't it?

Dear Tony the Tiger T. I think you'll be proud of me for not SH-ing for five weeks. Maybe. T3 was really weird about it when I thought she would be proud of me, she took it all wrong. So I kind of don't want to bring it up, but I want you to know. I saw the PDOC, he didn't change the meds. I didn't think he would. I have some stuff to tell you tonight but I hope I don't get tongue tied and can't think of stuff. I certainly can write it down and that might help. I hope I don't get dissociated. I miss my former T so much. Kit.

Yesterday's session still feels surreal
I wish I could remember what you said word for word. I was too emotional and taken aback to make sure to commit it to memory.

I texted you about the insurance thing because I really did forget to tell you yesterday, but if it had been any other session I'd probably have just waited until Friday to tell you. I'm just hoping for an acknowledgement text.
Yesterday felt so intense and we were the only people in the room experiencing that conversation, and then the hour ends and I go back to my life pretending that nothing happened.
Did you think about it afterwards at all? I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Did it at least affect you a tiny bit beyond the session?
Some stupid childish part of me wants my text to ensure that it will at least cross your mind today, if only for a brief second. I don't want something that affected me that much to not have any impact on you whatsoever. I want it to matter.

I feel badly that yesterday's session went so poorly, but I don't regret walking out. You were out of line, and I'm sorry if it's because I freaked you out. I'm okay. Really. I'm really hoping you'll reach out because I don't have another appointment scheduled. But I'm afraid to reach out to you because I'm afraid you'll reject me. I'd like to see if we can work stuff out. Please email or call.

I miss you so much. I need you.

it was nice to see u in the store. u asked how I am twice. I tried to ignore it the first time. oh well

R, you would have been so much better today. I would have really been able to tell you how I feel and you would have really been there with me.

I miss you.

I miss you. Our last session was almost 3 months ago. I CANT GET U OUT OF MY MIND!!!

I have no idea what’s going on in our therapy sessions most of the time, but I think it was good, right? Let’s see if I can hold onto that for more than 24 hours.

It’s my birthday tomorrow and the best present would be an email from you. But I doubt you’ll even remember, I’m nothing to you.

Happy Birthday!

The validation and commendations you gave me today have added to my strength. You are helping my soul heal. All my thanks, from the heart.

I want to ask if you know what this feels like so I might feel less stupid and self conscious about all these irrational feelings
But I also don't want to know, because if you said yes I'd assume that whatever you'd gone through must have been much worse and then worry that you were also comparing and thinking I should stop being so overdramatic when it wasn't nearly as bad and I would end up using it to invalidate my own feelings and experiences.

Dear T,
I don't know whether to tell you about a really screwed up dream I had last night (not involving you at all). I'd just rather block it from my brain. Along with the one I had a few weeks ago that I also haven't told you about. That's...sort of related I guess. Or the one from a week ago that's unrelated but still kinda messed up (and I guess your name made an appearance in that one). I think I worry you'll think ill of me because of my dreams, but you also don't seem to put much stock in dreams, so maybe not?
Love,
LT

hey T: i might be getting used to your hugs.

I made a shrine for you and lit a candle.

You could have at least acknowledged that you received my text :/
Did I do something wrong? We've texted about insurance related stuff before, and you did ask me to let you know once the name change went through with them...

P.S. In a little over 24 hours I've managed to convince myself that the only reason you seemed to react so strongly and insisted that it was horrible and said I was underreacting is that you think I'm not telling you the worst of it or that I'm downplaying it. I'm not hiding anything. There's no big secret or horrible abuse I'm not telling you about. And if anything I think I probably made it sound worse than it actually was. I wasn't trying to, I swear.

The strangest thing has happened to me. My own people have chosen to support a sociopath with a silver tongue over me. So he gets to take everything from me and I go without.

End of story.

Emdr T. I didnt sleep at all last night, partially because I got my tetnis shot partially books my head wont start running in circles. I called out of work which I rarely do. U just don't want to deal with everybody.

A part of me wants to contact you about seeing you today. I am not sure I could handle it if you said no. That just might be my final string. Right now I feel so lost. Tr

Therapy is stupid. i'm not going to stop acting out now. You can't say I didn't give you a chance- thanks for putting me at the bottom of your list.