Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

That went ok. Sort of anticlimactic really.

I ****ing hate the holidays when you're gone. I hate the holidays anyways.

I'm in the middle of a less than fun paranoia. I see my Pdoc on December 3rd, if I make it that far. I am taking my meds. as prescribed and they aren't doing anything for me.


I go to work and act as normal as I can, but I don't trust people around me. It almost feels like I am in danger. And it affects my moods. And I saw T today, and a few things he said I took in a paranoid way. I trust him as much as I can. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my perceptions. This is scary and I am so sick of it.


I don't know if I need to go on disability, stop seeing T, and never have contact with anyone anymore except my close family.


I despise myself because I don't know what else to do. I also feel really protective of myself. I really feel compassion for myself, because I am the only one who really knows how terrifying all of this is. I don't know what it all means. I can't hold on much longer, though. I just feel like nobody really understands what I am going through. I think my brain is dead, or it is just hanging on to see what's next. I'm am struggling to believe in myself in any way, shape, or form, or in any relationship. I am trying to be me, I am trying to accept myself, be compassionate with myself, because I realize that no one can really understand this horror that I am going through. I am trying to remember that other people don't understand--so I'm trying to be kind to myself because I am the only one in the world who knows what I am going through, I understand that I have made mistakes, but I think I'm at least faring considering my predicament. And if others want to judge me, I don't care. It's about time for me to do something really off the wall, but I don't know what. Something healthy and safe, but something that is majorly adventurous. I'll have to think about that.

I just want you to say "children deserve better." To say "you deserved better."

(((LabRat27)))

You've only seen the very worst of me and yet you still don't think I'm a s**t person.

That feels quite nice.

I miss you...

I dislike when I post things and then later I'm not in that same ego state and it makes me feel vulnerable but not treacherously so.

T, i'm sick of feeling numb all the time.

I know we're in crisis mode, but I am super excited for our session tomorrow. I think to mainly get some direction in dealing with this.

Dear No. 3,

I haven’t Googled you in about six months, around the last time I emailed you. Hasn’t even been a temptation. And then last night I was noodling about online and just did it.

And today I miss you so.

ATAT

I love you and miss you. I hope your family is doing okay this week.

sorry you're sick =[

.............

I dreamt of you last night. Of you in your living room with a green chair and piles of books on the floor making videos and taking photographs of your daughter, of her sitting in your lap and laughing.

and I'm so stupidly jealous.

I'm ashamed of being jealous of everything: your daughter, your wife, your other clients, of bringing you squashed hone cake, of being so needy, the stuff I told you about with my cousin that isn't even really abuse, the way I feel about you.

I just want to hide.

I'm tired of being railroaded and used by you. Yes YOU!! Of all people to run me over....I never thought it would be you.

Thinking the best of people has turned into a sad wake-up call. Don't worry, I will never think the best of them again.

On this day of the turkey holiday, I am thankful for your presence in my life, for your steady and comforting listening space, for nine years of helping me move forward in what is right for me.

I feel like I would rather leave and never see you again than have to have this conversation about money...but see you in an hour. Argh. I wish I'd never sent that email.

remember on Thanksgiving in 2015 I texted you happy Thanksgiving and you said you too and you said you were thankful for me

wonder if you still feel that way...

I'm trying so hard to manifest progress from last year's set of holidays. It's so difficult not to experience what you call slippage, spending more time with perpetrator than in the rest of the year combined ( as you pointed out) and losing more time with you than all year simultaneously.

It takes will power and work not to suddenly devalue therapy itself bc I am on my own now to implement what I've learned and try to stay psychically "alive" in our relationship while you turn your attention to your real life and take time off from me.

The enticement to say to myself how you don't care , and fear you- that you don't work hard bc you have little kids at an older age, that you are independently wealthy and work 4 days a week at the best of times while criticizing the weeks I work 7, that you aren't a warm and huggy therapist . . .

The evidence though is that you do care: since last year's catastrophe of Christmas, in which our experiences were so disjunctive we couldn't find common ground, you literally haven't missed one session with me. I almost never lose time anymore, and I understand defenses and reality rather than abiding in a world with monsters under the bed.

I don't want to go back to fear of you, thus losing the progress. That depends on my ability not to dissociate , give in to magical thinking, experience envy of your family or rebellion against your more conventional values outside the therapy office; remembering your poetic speech and blue eyed attentiveness as it was last session is the only way not to re-experience loss upon loss upon loss .

Seeing the way my abusers continually torment me, I can't imagine how they treat their family and friends, that is if they have any. No I don't understand why you are so fond of bullies (but I can guess). Don't expect me to be ok with it. I resent it and that won't change.

Life feels so different without you. I'm looking at pictures from before I knew you were dying, and how different those pictures feel! Life was completely different back then. To feel secure in the knowledge that you'd always be there--what that even feels like! But it was all denial in some sense. I always knew you had cancer. On some level, I always knew it would kill you. But, at some point, I made a conscious decision to set that knowledge aside, to forget about it for a while, so I could focus on our relationship, the real relationship that struggled to live beneath the shadow of death. I banished that shadow. And how our relationship thrived afterwards!

But now that you're gone, everything feels different. I can still feel happy on some level. I can still laugh and bounce and smile, but I'm never completely happy. Even in my happiest moments, there is a shadow over my heart. I never feel whole. There is a void in my heart, the sense that something is missing.

Grief, she is always with me. Once a complete stranger, she is now my constant companion.

Appreciate the heads up on vicarious trauma.

Everything I'm finding deals with how that relates to helping professionals, though. I'm not, although I did a pretty ******* good impression of one for the period of time I was involved with them.

Would really like to know more about the other thing you mentioned.

You’re amazing. Thank you for supporting me through this.

I have a feeling you're not going to respond to my tuesday email until the 27th.

Please prove me wrong given that we already spoke about emails in the previous 21 min session.