Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

It all feels so unfair! Why you and why me?!

Dear T,
And I found that video. You were right, it made me cry. (I assume it made you cry, too, from what you said?) And was also inspirational.

Love,
LT

I saw a FB group I didn't even realize I was still in- my schools leaving group and posts from all the girls in my year. From there I clicked on to my schools group page. It's been 10 years since I left. I see all these little kids singing at St Paul's Cathedral and I can't believe that I was once little and like that.

I miss you. Can I have...er....different dreams about you tonight please?

I'm considering going back the week before Christmas.
I think I'm hoping that being in my childhood house will help me remember more. It's been more than 2 years. And maybe I'll find my old diary. I think I'm hoping it will be super triggering. I want confirmation that it was "bad enough." I want proof that I'm not just overreacting.
Will you think that's a terrible idea? Will you think I'm looking for an excuse for self pity?

The question I really want to ask you is "do you think calling it "trauma" is overstating it?"
I don't have nightmares or flashbacks. I know that's why you asked. I've read the DSM too.
I don't want to ask and have you tell me that it wasn't trauma because of that, but that that doesn't make my feelings any less valid or some BS like that.
I'm still reliving it emotionally. I'm still having "emotional flashbacks." But you've never used that term and I'm worried you'd think I was being defensive and melodramatic because I want to call it trauma when it wasn't that bad.

Not sure why but I am really missing you.

I miss our conversations.
I miss being able to email you whenever I was having a hard time.
I miss you giving magazines/articles and you saying that they made you think of me and thought I could benefit from reading them.
I miss your comfortable couch.
I miss you cute dog.
I miss always having your support.
I miss your laugh.
I miss talking about non therapy things.
I miss your hugs.
I miss our standing Monday night appointment.
I miss being able to bake for you.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want the pain to go away....

I want it to be tomorrow. Your presence is so comforting. Even when I'm mad at you, I just want to be around you.

Will likely show up with my tail between my legs this week, but at least I’m planning to show up.

I need to go to sleep before my brain starts wronging again. Brainwronging imminent. It's been a long day.

You said last week that we'd do some trauma work tomorrow if I'm still stable. In true "me" fashion, I have started to derail. I'm so stressed about exams. I am seriously wondering if there's any point in writing exams for your class - they are impossible to pass anyway. I am on the brink of tears, and I want you to make it all better.

Dear T. Your office called. They told me to come early to fill out paperwork. I was like, "Why?" And the receptionist lady was all, "Well, when were you here last?" And I said, "November 5th." Receptionist...."Oh. Well your name was colored the incorrect color." Me..."Huh?" Receptionist...."Just come at your appointment time."
Makes me feel like a number or something. Not a person. Maybe the office is just disorganized, but I see my PDOC there and they don't seem disorganized when they call for my appointments for him. What's up with that?

I am starting to understand something. Ready for it to be thursday again.

Ah, ****. I miss you.

Interesting moment from today. There's a woman who I trust intimately at work. Today was the first time I've seen her in a week, and she said she was worried about me. I told her about what happened last week, and I was shocked when she began to cry. Sure, I throw my own pity party all of the time, and I feel like my struggles are immense. But to see that outpouring from someone else? I felt fraudulent. Like I was deceiving her somehow. I don't have the hardest life, I know. I guess I feel like my troubles are trivial somehow.

Do I get a gold star or a pat on the head or something?

you should! good job

Hey T: thanks for the email, and for making me laugh. see you tomorrow.

Took the Christmas decorations out of storage. All was okay until hubby handed me the bag of green outdoor Garland you gave us before you moved. I cant handle this.

I am really struggling with the urge to SH. I have only had these urges once since you passed. Before that it was quite a while.

I'm sorry it's so hard. Winter is a damn hard time. With the holidays and everything...

I'm so afraid I'll forget him one day...

I journaled about it. I wrote about it in a way that was compassionate and understanding towards the child who was experiencing it.
Compassionate and understanding towards myself.

I'm going to sleep instead though.

Well it looks like another session about the pain of loving you tomorrow. Great.

It sure is hard.

What people keep telling me is that somebody who had such a lasting impact on our life will never be forgotten

don't worry about me
this ain't my first rodeo...

I can't do it anymore. This is unbearable. My worst nightmare. I'd rather just let myself die.

[QUOTE=LabRat27;6355778]I journaled about it. I wrote about it in a way that was compassionate and understanding towards the child who was experiencing it.
Compassionate and understanding towards myself.

IMO, having been on the other side of this perspective, self compassion and self understanding are useful qualities to cultivate. If you can't claim the benefits for yourself, I have also found that they are useful in expanding empathy and understanding towards others who are different than you.