Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

[QUOTE=Anne2.0;6355917]I have absolutely no problem with compassion and understanding towards anyone else. It is only wh
Yes, not having one of my deepest underlying core issues would be useful. That's why it's been pretty much the main focus of my therapy for the entire time I've been going.
It's not that I don't know how to have compassion and understanding. It's a very fundamental belief that I am bad and unworthy in a way that no one else is, and therefore it is bad and forbidden and wrong to allow myself those things.

I appreciate that you're trying to be helpful. It's just a much more deeply rooted issue for me than that.

Thank you for holding me in mind. This week has felt like a hurricane inside my head. Knowing that I'm not really alone with it helps a lot. This hangover feeling is really odd.

It's also a recognised symptom of complex trauma to find it extremely difficult... Here's one of many snippets from Janina Fisher's book that I saved because I related to it: "Asked to have compassion for themselves or to better care for themselves, most traumatized clients have a strong negative reaction."

Thank you. I didn't realize others also had that kind of reaction.
I tell my T that the very idea makes me want to crawl out of my skin. It just feels so wrong.

I hope it's getting easier/better for you.

Emdr T I am so tempted to cancel tonight's appointment. I can tell you about my past, what I cant do is tell you how horrible I am feeling. I cant do this anymore. I have done things this week I am not proud of. As hard as it was to talk to T about this stuff I always knew how she would handle it. I don't know how you will handle everything...you know that fear of being judged or being too much so that you will leave.

T why did you have to leave?? I need your support, compassion, and understanding. I need you to say you are here for me and to remind me why it is important to go tonight. I need you.

Yeah... I didn't realise either till I read that book! I really recommend it if you haven't. Some of the other things you've said have reminded me of it too. The ultimate goal that she lays out is the learning of self-compassion, but she recognises that it is not at all an easy feat.

I have a fight/flight reaction to it some of the time. Or, yeah, I have that 'crawl out of my skin' feeling. On a rational, intellectual level I recognise that I'm as worthy of compassion as anyone else, no problem. But there's something running much deeper than that.

It was getting better, I think, with R. But it sort of feels like I'm starting all over again now.

I miss you and it huuuuurts

Dear former T. I broke down and emailed you about how much I missed you and how it hurt because I missed you so much. I know you probably won't respond, and that's okay because I believe you will have heard me. But I do want to SH even though I'm trying not to in order to honor the work we did together. But I'm used to converting pain into something I can handle. Can I handle this? Kit.

Why does tonight feel so bad? I will see you tomorrow. Why does it hurt so much now?

[QUOTE=LabRat27;6355956]I guess I'd say that I didn't say these things. It's not about having a "problem" with compassion/understanding for others-- though you didn't do such a great job understanding me in my post. Nor did I claim it wasn't a deeply rooted issue that is undeniably complex; I didn't claim otherwise. And I've been, as I said, in the box where I mock the very idea of having compassion for myself or being willing to see myself for who I am.

What I did say was that self compassion and understanding promote a greater "enhanced" understanding and compassion for others, as a sort of encouragement to work towards it. No one ever admits they don't have unlimited compassion and understanding for others, but it does grow as you work on yourself, in my experience. It's not something I would have thought would turn out like it did, and my comment was just a tiny suggestion of reframing how one can think about self compassion. There were times when the idea of growing towards the others in my life in the way I couldn't do directly for myself was a motivator.

That's all. Sorry for missing the helpfulness boat.

You are kind of wonderful. Situations aren’t forever but for now I’d glad you are with me.

"Thank you" for cutting my session 20 minutes short today. Yeah, I know, you told me as I walked in that you had to leave early because of your child's thing at school.

You said you'll make it up to me next session, but I really wish I'd known sooner. I know you couldn't help it, but it pissed me off.

I ran today. It helped.
Miss you.

Promise you'll believe me?
Promise you won't think I'm being melodramatic?
Promise you won't think that I was bad and weak?
Promise you won't think that I don't deserve compassion?
Promise you won't think less of me?

Ugh, that sucks, I'm sorry. Something similar happened once with my former marriage counselor, where he called us back to say he could only meet for 20 minutes as an "urgency" (vs. emergency) had come up. And it was a time when I really needed to talk. On the plus side, he didn't charge us for it. Hope your T actually makes it up to you time-wise.

This thread has just about prevented me from emailing you. It has been hard today.

I hate this Im tired of talking about this. I don't want to come back to see you. See you in two weeks ugh

Thanks! The only crappy thing is that I always make the payment in advance (before the actual session) to her secretary, and until then, I had no idea this would happen. If I'd known, maybe I would've paid the equivalent of the 35-40 minutes the session lasted. Or perhaps not, since she said she'll make up the lost time next week. I'll definitely mention it.

I can't believe I told you how I felt when A flirts with you in class. It just kind of came out. I was so nervous! But you make telling you everything ok. I don't know how you do it, you just do.

I'm not okay. I don't think the reality of life right now has hit me. I was in the middle of talking to H about something tonight. I stopped mid sentence, paused for about 30 seconds, then looked at him and said, "sorry, what was I talking about?" It's like those 30 seconds are gone.

Hell, everything is gone. My dream is gone. My money is gone. And soon, my stupid, lovely, Pollyanna therapist will be gone.

My doctor this morning described me as cranky, and the phlebotomist said I seemed sad. Things are sad now, I guess. But I haven't cried yet. I don't know that I can anymore. I have nothing left to give.

But what if I misled you into thinking it was worse than it actually was?

Today was such an amazing session. And I can't believe I told you what I told you. I never thought I would. I kind of feel better having said it though. I'm glad I did.

I dreamt of you playing with your daughter in her crib, with a puppet (that I actually have) tickling her nose and making her laugh.

I hate you deeply for being there for everyone else but me.

I really ****ed up tonight. I'm sorry.