[weaverbeaver]

I have come to realise lately that I am never going to be able to leave therapy voluntarily.
The longer I see t the more I love her. I have tried to deny these feelings for a long time but they just keep getting stronger. I have tried leaving before but I always crawl back. The thing is that t knows I will always come back no matter what she says or does and sometimes she has been extremely cruel and I still go back.
I feel stuck in this horrible place. I was so trigger last weekend I was in a really bad place, I text t on Sunday and she rang, I realised after our phone call that t can’t be that person for me, I want a real person to soothe me.
I want someone in my real life to ring and calm me down and tell me everything is going to be ok.

[piggy momma]

Is this really an issue with her or with you? Is this an attachment issue, or do you just have a dud therapist? If it's an attachment issue, I strongly implore you to explore these thoughts and feelings in therapy, so that you are not held hostage to them. If she's a dud therapist, maybe look around and see who else you can find?

Either way, the feelings are not fun . I hope you find some relief soon.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by piggy momma

Is this really an issue with her or with you? Is this an attachment issue, or do you just have a dud therapist? If it's an attachment issue, I strongly implore you to explore these thoughts and feelings in therapy, so that you are not held hostage to them. If she's a dud therapist, maybe look around and see who else you can find?


Either way, the feelings are not fun . I hope you find some relief soon.

We have a strange relationship. I can’t blame it all on her. I fight with her a lot sometimes she retaliates.
Mostly it’s my fault. She has been very good lately and very supportive. It’s harder when she is nice to detach.
It’s definitely my attachment issue to her but she is attached to me too. It’s so hard to explain.

[piggy momma]

I think I get it. I often say my therapist and i have a love-hate relationship. I feel like we fight a lot. But I don't want to leave him.

[DP_2017]

I relate so much to this post. I've been dead set on leaving by years end because my feelings are so strong and it's making me more depressed and angry then ever but every time I even think about telling him at the next session, I start sobbing. Literally can't imagine how I would go on without him in my life. I feel trapped and I hate it

[here today]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

I have come to realise lately that I am never going to be able to leave therapy voluntarily.
The longer I see t the more I love her. I have tried to deny these feelings for a long time but they just keep getting stronger. I have tried leaving before but I always crawl back. The thing is that t knows I will always come back no matter what she says or does and sometimes she has been extremely cruel and I still go back.
I feel stuck in this horrible place. I was so trigger last weekend I was in a really bad place, I text t on Sunday and she rang, I realised after our phone call that t can’t be that person for me, I want a real person to soothe me.
I want someone in my real life to ring and calm me down and tell me everything is going to be ok.

Your reason is strong in this post. Are you sure that you can't resist the feelings that draw you back? It doesn't sound like "love", whatever it is that draws you back. It sounds like something else -- need or something.

It is very reasonable, too, to want someone in real life to love, and who can love you, too. Is there anyone like that in your life right now? Has there ever been? Can you think of any ways that you might change the circumstances of your life to give yourself more opportunity to find and have people like that in your life?

For me, a meetup support group in recent years has provided a sense of real people, really caring, more than I ever got in therapy. Even if you want a special relationship with someone, sometime, which I don't because I had one with my late husband, I think caring about and being cared for by people in a support group is a better start than a "reparative" relationship with one (paid) therapist. The relationships I have with members of the support group are increasingly personal and individual friendships. We soothe and calm each other down, although there are limits. We can't always be there, all the time, for everybody. But we are there, sometimes, and it is good.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I relate so much to this post. I've been dead set on leaving by years end because my feelings are so strong and it's making me more depressed and angry then ever but every time I even think about telling him at the next session, I start sobbing. Literally can't imagine how I would go on without him in my life. I feel trapped and I hate it

It’s so hard, isn’t it? Surely this isn’t supposed to happen in therapy.
I can’t even talk to my t about it. I have talked to her once about it but I don’t think she really got it. She knows my attachment is very strong and in fairness to her there has been many times that she could have terminated me but she didn’t.
Have you talked to your t about it? Sorry it’s so hard too

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by here today

Your reason is strong in this post. Are you sure that you can't resist the feelings that draw you back? It doesn't sound like "love", whatever it is that draws you back. It sounds like something else -- need or something.


It is very reasonable, too, to want someone in real life to love, and who can love you, too. Is there anyone like that in your life right now? Has there ever been? Can you think of any ways that you might change the circumstances of your life to give yourself more opportunity to find and have people like that in your life?


For me, a meetup support group in recent years has provided a sense of real people, really caring, more than I ever got in therapy. Even if you want a special relationship with someone, sometime, which I don't because I had one with my late husband, I think caring about and being cared for by people in a support group is a better start than a "reparative" relationship with one (paid) therapist. The relationships I have with members of the support group are increasingly personal and individual friendships. We soothe and calm each other down, although there are limits. We can't always be there, all the time, for everybody. But we are there, sometimes, and it is good.

You are right, there are always limitations in every relationship even in support groups. I always wanted to join a support group. Trouble is, there are very little resources like that where I live. There is AA, I considered becoming an alcoholic once just to get some support.
Therapy is a paid relationship and it feels so fake but also so very real, like a deep rooted somatic yearning. It feels like love but I know it’s not really possible because our relationship is very messy and unconventional.

I had somebody before but she left me for somebody else so I really miss that in my life and I am very aware that t is a substitute for her.
T is very good though, she gives me extra sessions and calls when I am in crisis so she does go above and beyond and has never once mentioned boundaries.
Thank you for your post, it really made me aware of a few things that I am missing from real life

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

You are right, there are always limitations in every relationship even in support groups. I always wanted to join a support group. Trouble is, there are very little resources like that where I live. There is AA, I considered becoming an alcoholic once just to get some support.

You don't have to become an alcoholic to go to AA meetings. It's anonymous, after all. Perhaps going to therapy is your "addiction" or your previous person is. You just bring to the program what you want and work on what you want and have the support of the people there who aren't supposed to be judging you anyway. I know many people who have used substance abuse programs to just work on changing what they wanted to change about themselves.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

It’s so hard, isn’t it? Surely this isn’t supposed to happen in therapy.
I can’t even talk to my t about it. I have talked to her once about it but I don’t think she really got it. She knows my attachment is very strong and in fairness to her there has been many times that she could have terminated me but she didn’t.
Have you talked to your t about it? Sorry it’s so hard too

Nope. I haven't. He himself told me that I'm his "most strongly attached" client and the "only one" who worries about him dying etc. He said "at least the only one who admits it" So he knows the feelings are strong but I can't get the courage yet to tell him I can't do this anymore, partly because I know he wont care and that hurts

[piggy momma]

I've given my T sooooo many good reasons to fire me. And he hasn't. In fact, a couple weeks ago he said if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. I'm definitely anxious-attached. I think it's what keeps me in therapy.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

You don't have to become an alcoholic to go to AA meetings. It's anonymous, after all. Perhaps going to therapy is your "addiction" or your previous person is. You just bring to the program what you want and work on what you want and have the support of the people there who aren't supposed to be judging you anyway. I know many people who have used substance abuse programs to just work on changing what they wanted to change about themselves.

I didn’t know this! I am seriously thinking of going to a few meetings just to get some support. I definitely feel that I am addicted to therapy for sure and have been self medicating for years now to help me sleep.
I would feel guilty for going and wasting their time but now that I know it’s not just for alcoholics I feel a relief.
I started s meditation group recently too and that helps a bit. Thank you!

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Nope. I haven't. He himself told me that I'm his "most strongly attached" client and the "only one" who worries about him dying etc. He said "at least the only one who admits it" So he knows the feelings are strong but I can't get the courage yet to tell him I can't do this anymore, partly because I know he wont care and that hurts

You maybe surprised, he may care more than you think

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

You maybe surprised, he may care more than you think

He cares but what I mean is, they can't stop you from leaving/quitting. He's told me this probably 50x or so already. I know I'd be replaced ASAP, so it's not like he CARES in that sense, it's more like "oh, well your choice."

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by piggy momma

I've given my T sooooo many good reasons to fire me. And he hasn't. In fact, a couple weeks ago he said if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. I'm definitely anxious-attached. I think it's what keeps me in therapy.

I can do relate to this. I have anxious ambivalent attachment and try all sorts to get to love me and leave me. I drive myself and her crazy.
I have talked about this with t a bit and she says even being aware of doing it is helpful.
I have called t all the names under the sun and accused her of all sorts and she still hasn’t left. Sometimes she has done or said things that have caused me to react like that too so there is two of us in it.

She tells me she is very challenging and that is just part of her personality it’s not personal but because of my history I feel like she is attacking me at times! I get angry and frustrated and then t can get defensive. I said I didn’t want to fight and she says, oh are we fighting, I didn’t realise. So we both have different perspectives on what’s happening.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

He cares but what I mean is, they can't stop you from leaving/quitting. He's told me this probably 50x or so already. I know I'd be replaced ASAP, so it's not like he CARES in that sense, it's more like "oh, well your choice."

Well my t wouldn’t let me leave at one stage and I was really grateful of his afterwards.
It is our choice in the end but we don’t always make the right choices at the right time.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

Well my t wouldn’t let me leave at one stage and I was really grateful of his afterwards.
It is our choice in the end but we don’t always make the right choices at the right time.

That's cool yours did, I've heard they are not supposed to "make" clients stay or whatever. I never make the right choice, my entire life is a walking disaster of bad choices lol...

I am not sure I can tell him, If I still stick with my plan to leave by years end, I'll likely ghost him. That way I can just tell myself he doesn't care anyway so no big deal.

I'm fearful avoidant, so it could be way my way would be more like, blowing him off even though I hate it done to me. Ugh, this is all too much.

[piggy momma]

I told my T in September by email that I thought I was good and didn't need therapy anymore. I wanted him to say "oh but you do". Instead he wrote me back and said "sounds good, good luck". I wrote him back within seconds and was like "no no no I didn't mean it. When can I get in?".

I don't understand myself most days. I can't really expect him to understand me.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by piggy momma

I told my T in September by email that I thought I was good and didn't need therapy anymore. I wanted him to say "oh but you do". Instead he wrote me back and said "sounds good, good luck". I wrote him back within seconds and was like "no no no I didn't mean it. When can I get in?".

I don't understand myself most days. I can't really expect him to understand me.

Ugh that reply would have really pissed me off. Wow. This is what is holding me back from saying, I can't feel like there is no sadness or care from them over this. It makes me feel like my entire existense in their life was meaningless. Sigh

I hope you were able to get back in BTW

[piggy momma]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Ugh that reply would have really pissed me off. Wow. This is what is holding me back from saying, I can't feel like there is no sadness or care from them over this. It makes me feel like my entire existense in their life was meaningless. Sigh

I hope you were able to get back in BTW

I was kind of pissed off that he wrote me back and said that. I felt hurt and betrayed. I had shared EVERYTHING in my life with him, and (maybe mistakenly) hoped I was worth more than a time slot with him.

I did get back in, yes. I usually go once a week, unless something comes up for one of us. We're both stupidly busy.

[weaverbeaver]

That reply would piss me off too! Yuck!
When I told y I was leaving she wrote and said, “sorry? I thought we were working through this together. I don’t believe running away would resolve it!”

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

He cares but what I mean is, they can't stop you from leaving/quitting. He's told me this probably 50x or so already. I know I'd be replaced ASAP, so it's not like he CARES in that sense, it's more like "oh, well your choice."

Of course he cares- you wrote elsewhere that he replies to you when he doesn't do it others, he wants to reply to you, he tells you things. I am not suggesting inappropriate care at all. But he cares, at least from those of your posts that you aren't putting yrself and him down.

It would be an interesting exercise for you to print out all your posts/comments here and redfit (if that is you) and read all together because they are inconsistent, depending, I assume, on your mood. But there is a thread of care running through them. A thread of ?fear? Of what that means, and then ghosting. Please talk about ghosting with him if you can. Gotta rush sorry

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by piggy momma

I told my T in September by email that I thought I was good and didn't need therapy anymore. I wanted him to say "oh but you do". Instead he wrote me back and said "sounds good, good luck". I wrote him back within seconds and was like "no no no I didn't mean it. When can I get in?".

I don't understand myself most days. I can't really expect him to understand me.

I read that reply as him deliberately not playing into what you want or are asking for a dysfunctional way. For me it's understandable in a therapeutic framework and doesn't mean he didn't care.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

Of course he cares- you wrote elsewhere that he replies to you when he doesn't do it others, he wants to reply to you, he tells you things. I am not suggesting inappropriate care at all. But he cares, at least from those of your posts that you aren't putting yrself and him down.

It would be an interesting exercise for you to print out all your posts/comments here and redfit (if that is you) and read all together because they are inconsistent, depending, I assume, on your mood. But there is a thread of care running through them. A thread of ?fear? Of what that means, and then ghosting. Please talk about ghosting with him if you can. Gotta rush sorry

I know he cares, FOR NOW.... but my point was that generally therapists don't care when clients leave, it's the clients choice and they find new people for their slots. It's not like he would care really if I leave, it wont effect him, he would probably have my slot filled within a week. That's what I mean, I am very well aware of the harsh crap reality of this relationship

Also, no way I'd ever share with him any of my forum posts, if I could, I'd delete them all. If I want him to know something, I tell him but he really doesn't need to know everything.

Yes, in regards to my post here, he USED TO reply when he didn't for others, but that is no longer a thing, I'm not allowed to email. so that has changed

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I know he cares, FOR NOW.... but my point was that generally therapists don't care when clients leave, it's the clients choice and they find new people for their slots. It's not like he would care really if I leave, it wont effect him, he would probably have my slot filled within a week. That's what I mean, I am very well aware of the harsh crap reality of this relationship

It’s not that they stop caring once a client leaves, but their caring is of course tied to their professional capacity in our lives. They may still think of a former client fondly, etc., but without us working with them regularly, they move on. But most healthy relationships are in reality that way. I have old friends that I was absolutely attached at the hip to at one point, but we moved on for various reasons. We still care, but we don’t have that same interaction or relationship anymore. It’s not necessarily a light switch that gets turned off. More like a dimmer switch or maybe the color of the bulb has been changed.