Legit question

I know it's probably dumb but I'm struggling and need to try to understand things as best I can and even though I plan to ask him this as well, I'm unsure what I'll get from him as he seems to have become cold and distant.

How can someone be so "involved" with me.... for every week but 1, for over 20 months and feel nothing? Just cut and run like I meant squat?

I mean, we literally, other than his 2 week break when I was forced to not contact, never went more than 5 days without talking in some form. We texted often, went to sessions outside the office, laughed and screwed around more than anything while in the office, walked with my dog every week, really got to know each other and share personal things etc...

Then it's like I'm the only one struggling and in pain and he is able to just like walk away easily? How did none of this matter to him? How can he have been so kind and compassionate but have no emotion? I'm so confused.

No rude or judgement replies please, I just need support and answers that can help me understand. I feel like this has all been a lie, and I'm the one suffering

You had a hole that needed filling. He doesn't.

I think it's possible he has more of a hole than DP? Does it relate somehow to power?

It sounds like you two had more of a personal relationship than a proper therapist/client relationship (all his fault- not yours)...which makes me think that he is behaving this way now (cold, indifferent, etc.) as a personal defensive mechanism of his own - like you might see in a romantic/personal breakup rather than a therapy termination.

His current behavior is not uncommon at all when viewed through the lens of a personal "breakup", but it is very surprising, damaging, and inappropriate in terms of a therapeutic relationship.

What does a hole have to do with anything? All this should still have meaning unless he faked it. He had a way bigger hole than me. I wasn't the one constantly looking for friends online to hang with

And interesting about break up theory. He was quite pissy with me and it isn't the first time. He said something about how he can't be himself in this. I don't give him any say etc. We butt heads often and it seems odd that he would do that for all others.

InkyBooky expressed very well what I was thinking. It is sometimes easier to act this way when in an emotionally-charged situation than to express true, vulnerable feelings. I don't buy for one minute that he is feeling nothing.

Look at patterns and behaviors of a narcissist and see if any of that rings true.

My mom is one. He doesn't seem to be like her.

I know i brought up all the texts, i know the total number and told him. I was like there's no way you do that with other clients. He said no

So then I said , so why are you acting like you felt nothing?

He got pissy "i didn't deny it. You are hearing things I'm not saying " that's when he laughed and said this isn't a friendship. I can't be myself. I don't get a choice

Or something like that. Its weird how i said acting and he turned it into me hearing words

I wish he could be honest with me. At least give me that much so i don't always question things

Well, you said many times that your therapy rarely involved anything too deep. We could ask, why would someone, who has a full life, social and otherwise, be overly upset about losing a superficial connection? Or even something that used to be quite reinforcing, perhaps especially because it did not require hard work and effort? It is quite likely that your T and you have experienced the whole thing very differently - why he is helpless now that he sees you in turmoil and why you cannot imagine his side of it. He has never seemed to be overly cautious and professional, perhaps he did not like being a T much either - maybe a new opportunity came up and he decided to make a sharp turn.

Another possibility I can imagine is that he actually experienced some serious turmoil and crisis in his own life but did not deal with it appropriately for a good while, and now finally want to really make a change for his own sake. But would not share with you the true path leading up to it or now details of his decision and determination because he knows it's primarily related to his own things.

Not sure this is useful, and I am not a T, but I have had to let go of a few coworkers in my career, usually after many chances, trials and errors to make it work. Some of them I grew to like quite a lot personally, and engaged with them more deeply than average, but the work itself just never worked out. I kinda abandoned a few work projects that way as well, and things sometimes remained unfinished. I think typically when someone makes a decision about such a move, they tend to find it easier to have a poker face and no longer dive into it deeply. It's part of how separation can work, be it separation from people, projects, jobs, leaving an old residence for a new one... It does not mean it was not very important in the past and that it did not affect someone deeply and in lasting ways. It does not mean they don't feel anything at all, but maybe very different feelings from yours. But a professional will usually not share all those personal details with a client.

Right on! That is exactly what I feel my transference is about and that he can not see it because all his holes are filled.

Maybe but if he experienced it that differently, he put tons effort into something supposedly superficial that meant nothing. That makes no sense. Again, because of a specific user , i wont post more details but there's definitely evidence that indicates he wanted stuff too. Evidence if i wanted could ruin his life with.

I guess I understand him being this way as i shut down instead of emotions usually too but it just seems he could act like he's sad or cares somewhat. Something to make me not think this was all fake or some sick game to him that i actually mattered.

If its true about the hole.... that just proves he used me then and it was all a game

From my observation of what you have described, it sounds like he always had loose boundaries and decided to not push the improvement of your mental health in place of just giving you what you wanted, which was more of a friend relationship. He probably saw you as an easy session each week. Being a friend and going for walks was probably a nice break for him. That being said I am sure he had some positive feelings from the relationship. It doesn't sound like he was too devoted to his profession or regretted his decisions.

I am sure he knew what he was doing was wrong and that it was unethical to continue to "treat" you (provide therapy) in this manner. It also sounds like he has been wanting out of the profession for awhile now and he was probably just going through the motions for some time. Now that he found another job and knows he moving on, I'm sure he is relieved and is just biding his time. He has moved on mentally. Only he knows the truth but maybe he feels that treating you coldly will help you get over him. He probably has come to terms with the fact that he should have been acting like a therapist all along and he wants you to know that he can't be your friend.

I am sorry that you are going through this and that he allowed it to go on for so long in this manner.

I've come to realise that it's often impossible to know, with any degree of certainty, how another person is feeling based on how they are acting. I don't necessarily think that he doesn't care for you. People (unless one is a psychopath) get attached to the people they spend time with whether they want to or not. The difference, I think, is the style of attachment. Some people find saying goodbye easier than others. I think that your T is acting cold and distant to protect himself. Like in a breakup, the partner who has decided to walk away usually switches off their emotions to be able to do so more easily. It doesn't necessarily mean that said partner never cared or "faked it".

I don't think the nice moments you have shared with your T have been a lie. I do, however, think that he is thinking of himself and switching off emotionally to not make this any harder on himself than it needs to be (a selfish, but nonetheless human reaction). The fact that he is getting defensive, such as when he laughed and said your relationship isn't a friendship, points, in my opinion to a degree of guilt. Some people deal with guilt by blaming themselves. Others deal with guilt by turning on the other person because sometimes it's easier to blame someone other than yourself.

I really don't think this is as straightforward as him "faking it" or "acting" for twenty months. Human interaction is hardly ever that transparent. I think you are brave for wanting to ask him this (and you should be able to!), but given how defensive he has been acting, I doubt he'll revert back to being compassionate and caring. Of course, this is purely speculation and I may be wrong, but I really do think he detaching in order to save his conscience.

Maybe some insight can come from lonesome-tonight's recent posts? About relationships not lasting forever? Whats that poem about some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or something else?

I would say, also, that thats generally how many things in life are. You have an intense meal at a restaurant, but not every day - every day you just have toast for breakfast at home. You have an intense love affair with a handsome stranger on holiday, but you dont move in together and raise a family - hes always off on vacation somewheres! Okay, maybe thats a bad example, idk.

You had something good. Mazel tov! You dont want to be Miss Haversham in Dickens' Great Expectations, stuck in time. You want to be Jane Eyre or David Copperfield (not the magician).

I agree with those comparing it to how someone acts in a romantic breakup (this doesn't mean I think there was something romantic from either side). I'm not proud of this, but I can think of a couple past relationships (of 6 months to a year) where when I realized I wanted to end it, I got rather cold, even though I'd cared about the guy very much during the relationship. I'm generally a very caring, compassionate person, so it's like I had to temporarily turn that off to detach from those relationships. I guess I've done that leaving a job or two as well (though my first real job that I resigned I cried through my resignation). But that also doesn't mean I never cared about my coworkers or boss (and wouldn't hold some caring and thoughts about them in the future), just that it was time for me to move on.

Thanks for all the replies. Interesting theories

I still plan to ask, as well as other stuff. Even if he is distant again, I still need to try. I can't regret never asking

There are a few possibilities:

1. He does actually feel something, but he is not willing to share it or show it - he may even be overcompensating & therefore coming across as rejecting.

2. He doesn't actually attach to people. Like, that's just his personality. He understands it enough to play at it, appear one way, but does not genuinely attach or really understand attachment from a personal level. This is how S is, and it's been quite the learning process for me. I've been doing some reading on narcissism and attachment theory.

And I like LT's post - yes - he may feel the need to detach (and may do so abruptly and sharply) and urgency to detach because he's ready to move on from being a therapist.

It might also suggest he was completely out of his depth and had no idea what he was doing. He might not have deliberately set out to hurt you but his flagrant ignoring of his ethical responsibilities and responsibility to work reflectively is his fault. In sorry you were caught up in this guy's selfish behaviour.

My new supervisor recently asked me about T1 and when I told her the story she said "It sounds like he formed a relationship with you that he couldn't handle.".

That's on him. Yet we are the ones that end up hurt. It's not fair.

This is just me guessing, I don't know either of you, but I think maybe these things didn't just 'not matter' to your T. Has he said that it didn't matter to him, or that he doesn't feel anything? If so, then of course this is probably the wrong guess. But if he hasn't said anything like that, I think it can well be that it did matter to him and that he did and still does feel things. But usually, Ts have learned to manage their emotions well. While they like to work with their clients, care for them and everything, if one of them leaves, they can't just break down as though they'd lost their best friend. It would not be healthy for them to feel this way. That doesn't mean they don't feel anything, but they feel a different kind of connection to their clients than the other way around.

Now your T has decided that he wants to not be a T anymore, for whatever reason. He knows how to deal with the losses of his clients. He has decided to do this, so he's probably already happy with his decision. And on top of that he has probably experienced a lot of terminations. You on the other hand have probably experienced a lot of trauma related to being left alone. And this man was a person you socialized a lot with and you on some level trusted to 'always' be there. Your grief of the relationship will look and feel different than his. That doesn't mean he doesn't grief it, but since it's different, he can easily say he doesn't want to continue being friends or something similar, while for you this is hard.

I don't know if the romantic breakup analogies are accurate or not, but I must confess that I'm one of those people who becomes extremely cold and even sadistic when I decide to break up with someone. This doesn't happen in every relationship, but it happens in 90% of them. For me, it's like a switch flips, and I lose all positive feeling for the other person. All that's left is contempt.

But it doesn't mean that I never had feelings for them or that I was pretending or playing games before. When I was hot and heavy, when I told them I loved them, I always meant it in the moment.

I don't know why I'm like this, except obviously there's something wrong with me.

I've always been a bit of an emotional sadist, deriving a sick pleasure from emotionally hurting people. (I'm not much into physically hurting people, even consensually, but emotionally hurting people is different and fun.) The only person I loved whom I didn't want to hurt was my therapist. That's why I often say he taught me how to love.

So, yeah, I can easily be two different people. But both versions of reality are real to me. The love and the contempt.

ETA: Obviously, if your T is like me, he should never have become a therapist. No one this effed up should be a therapist.

this was my exact thoughts too...that he got too deep in over his head and now is doing damage control the best he can mainly to protect his own selfish interests and ego.

good for you!