Therapy Problems

Hi everyone. This is my first post other than a brief introduction. I would be grateful for some input.

I am having a problem with therapy. I recently started therapy again after about 7 years without, and I desperately would like help. The problem is that I seem to have lost my words. Each session I prepare myself to really talk, and each time I leave without really talking about much of anything. I have had a couple of good moments where I did give important information, but mainly we just go over the same minor issues. I really want to talk about some things, but it is like my words are stuck deep inside and I can't get them out.

The therapist doesn't push me, but I think that if he did it might actually help a little. I sense that he might be afraid to push too much. I just simply don't know how to tell him certain things or answer his questions. It all seems so oversimplified sometimes. How do you tell someone about your worst childhood memory when the whole thing was a horrible mess? I am at a loss, and I think the therapist is at a loss.

I don't really know what to do. I don't have regular appointments with him. He just tells me to call when I want to come in. Each time I do see him, I feel like he is wondering why I am there. I am sure it does appear that I don't really want any help. Why would I be there if I didn't, though?

How about writing it out ahead of time? I found this very helpful.

Can you write a "script" and tell your therapist the same things you are saying here; tell him to "push" you?

Don't have regular appointments? How does that work?

I would start writing, keeping a "journal" or blog or whatever you are comfortable with and getting some "ideas" of things to talk about. I would write letters to the therapist and to get the words out of yourself and down on paper.

I would look at your situation too and see if that is not drying up your words. I wouldn't have words either if I didn't feel "safe"? I had problems with not having words and my therapist had to "teach" me to find words by various means but I don't know that your therapist is doing much? What is this particular therapist doing for you, do you know?

Jully,

I was where you are a few months ago. I still have problems talking but things are getting better. I did two things that seemed to force me to move beyond my inhibitions. First I was so frustrated looking at the floor for 4 straight sessions that I wrote a letter to my T at 3AM and then left the house and put it in the mail before I could have second thoughts. I know if I had waited till morning to mail it, it would have never been sent. I suffered major regret for the next week and half but sucked it up and went to my next appointment. It served as a starting point and it think it gave my T A WHOLE LOT of information go on. I gave myself another push when I was avoiding talking about some childhood stuff that came out in a previous session. I set my cell phone alarm to go off 15 minutes into the session and display the message--Stop wasting time and TALK TO HER! This provided a moment of comic relief and allow me to tell her I was still struggling.

I'll be watching this thread for some new ideas because at this point I don't think I'll ever reach the point where I feel comfortable talking about this stuff.

Wow. I know the feeling. The previous repliers had great ideas about writing things down and such. It is possible that when you are finally face to face with the T you unrealizingly feel your issues can suddenly seem to be mundane or petty, which can be due to poor self esteem. I say write your issues down and describe exactly how much they affect you. This can be extremely useful. Your T is getting paid to listen to you so don't hold back!

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Jully said:
mainly we just go over the same minor issues. I really want to talk about some things, but it is like my words are stuck deep inside and I can't get them out.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Do you think that partly this could be because you just started therapy with this therapist and don't really know him well and haven't yet established a strong level of trust? I think it is not uncommon when starting to take a while to get into things as you get to know the therapist. Maybe you are just working on minor issues right now in order to build trust.

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How do you tell someone about your worst childhood memory when the whole thing was a horrible mess?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Maybe you don't need to start with your worst memory. How about some painful ones, but not the most painful? Then work up to the baddies.

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the therapist is at a loss

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Has he said this? In general, I think most therapists have experience with getting to know clients and have patience with the process of getting them to open up. Could it be that it is more you who are impatient rather than the therapist? It is not a bad thing for the client to be impatient--it shows a strong desire to heal. So this sounds very positive to me. You want to be in therapy, an essential ingredient for success in therapy.

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Each time I do see him, I feel like he is wondering why I am there.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">How about suggesting to your T that the two of you work together to do some goal setting for therapy? Then you two will be on the same page. As one of your goals, for example, you could say that you want to deal with some painful childhood memories. Then at least, he will know that this is what you are working up to.

Good luck.

By saying that I don't have "regular appointments" I mean that I don't see him on a regular basis, like weekly or bi-weekly. He just told me to call when I feel I need to come in, and we make an appointment.

Honestly, I don't really know what this therapist is doing for me. And I don't feel safe at all, but I feel that way about most everything.

I do trust that he wants to help me. I don't trust what he might think about me.

He seemed to want to jump right into all the big stuff. Our second session he started asking me about my worst and best memories of my father and mother. I refused to answer the worst memories part, and I honestly couldn't answer the best memories part. Then he asked me to do some writing before my next session, and I refused that too. We discussed goals, and I couldn't come up with one. That is why I think he is at a loss and wondering why I'm there.

So I guess maybe I need to tell him that I want to talk to him, but I am afraid he will think I am stupid. I'm also not sure I will even be able to do it once I do tell him that. I feel like a failure at the whole thing.

Maybe it's not the right fit? that's ok too

you could also try drawing with crayons....

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

Some good suggestions here. It sounds like to me that you are in the process of building a therapeutic relationship. It takes some time to build up trust. I would suggest that you make scheduled appointments, because then you would be on a weekly or bi-weekly schedule and it would make you have to talk. Like the other person said, don't start with the very worst--you have to build up to it.

It sounds like to me from your comments that you are 'reading into him.' If he hasn't told you that he is at a loss with you--then you don't know that for a fact. On the forum, near the top are the top 10 cognitive distortions that you may find eye-opening.

I've written my therapist and my psychiatrist and that's helped me at the next session--it opens the door if you will. Let us know how you do. . .

Another thing--one of your goals could be 'to build up trust with you (T) in order to process some difficult childhood issues.'

Many therapists are from the school of thought that 'follows the client's lead'--meaning they don't push because they're waiting for you to be ready yourself to bring it up. Ask him what his views and philosophy are regarding 'pushing' clients. You seem to think he doesn't want to push, doesn't know how, is at a loss--but you really DON'T know until you check it out with him.

Ask him a hypothetical question. "T, how would you go about therapy with a client who is reluctant to disclose some painful childhood issues?'

I'd encourage you to be as honest with him as you can. Not honest about your deepest wound right off the bat. But be honest about "I'm not sure I trust what you're going to think of me if I tell you something really awful.' You can discuss those feelings--that's why he's there.

And friend, stuff that happened in our childhoods is NOT our fault, most likely. Unless you murdered someone out of the clear blue, most likely, adults took advantage of their status and power to manipulate or abuse a helpless child. Most often, it is NOT the child's fault. If it is not your fault, then what could your therapist possibly think badly towards you about? Perhaps you're being too hard on yourself, and are transferring that to your therapist and assuming he's going to be that hard on you. Just a thought, since I don't know the circumstances. . .

You are absolutely right by stating that I don't know he feels at a loss, thinks badly of me, etc. I tend to think that most people have bad intentions toward me or think badly of me. I'm sure you can imagine the effect that type of thinking has on my relationships.

To be honest, I think I'm just about through with this whole thing. Maybe this is as good as it is going get. Most of the time I think I can bear with things as they are, but there are several brief moments almost daily when I just want to tear myself to pieces. I should take comfort in the fact that probably no one could despise me nearly as much as I despise myself.

No, the things that happened in my childhood were not my fault. I had a psychiatrist tell me once that other people cannot make me feel one way or another by their actions, words, etc. My reaction is solely my responsibility. So if he is right, then no matter how badly I was ever treated, I control whether or not those things affect me negatively. And I have not done well with that. That is my fault.

Sorry - I think I said more here than was necessary. I sincerely thank you for your advise and caring.