In Session Today: Part VI

S.K. did you ever try doing the three things at once that you either find fun or used to find fun. I kinda disagree with your T that you need something else. For me the things I used to like are the things that are most fun but they just don’t feel fun anymore. Sometimes when you do three of them at once it’s all the boost you need to start an upward climb, it’s a constant battle but be sure to put fun into your life. I’ve had it work for sui thinking as well as mild depression.

Hi Sometimes psychotic. Yes I tried doing three things at once...not sure I was super successful at it, but I will keep trying it. I still feel super depressed though so it's hard to even think about three things I used to enjoy but I did come up with a list of things.

Yes keep trying it, it’s most effective if you do it as soon as you feel a little depressed though I will admit....I use it kinda like a prn. depression then do three things and get a good nights sleep I’m often fine. The other thing you can do is change the way you’re thinking....like often with depression you think things can never get better. I use the woebot app to challenge my thoughts.

I did not have my session today and the therapist neglected to tell me that I would not be having it beforehand. She told the receptionist not to call me then forgot to inform me herself.

I saw my therapist yesterday. She asked me if I wanted to try art therapy. I said... maybe. I wasnt really sure. Im not very good at art but I hate shutting the door on things before even trying them. So I said ok for the future. I said ok, as long as she doesnt have high expectations or anything. She smiled and said that she has NO expectations at all. Ive never done art therapy so Im a little worried itll be a waste of time, just coloring or whatever, but I hope not. Im really struggling right now so I need the time just to really work through some stuff. But if I can do that better through art then Im willing to try it!

Session was okay today. We talked about setting boundaries and that maybe I never learned them correctly since I was violated at such a young age.

I spent half half the session crying. I brought up the Jurrasic park movies saying that they never learnt- humans and dinosaurs didn't mix, because they couldn't be controlled. He asked who was the dinosaur in our relationship. I said that would be me and he should be afraid of me.

I said I didn't like the lovey-dovey thing that was going on between us, that I had no more anger left. That I couldn't even get angry about emails (He's been x10 much better with out of session contact and let me text him). That I liked it when we had ruptures.

He made the point that when I cried, like a baby I wanted him to know what was wrong without words.

He apologized for not being a better therapist. Said that he hoped one day I would see myself as he saw me.I was all good.The shame I brought and carried I had learnt from experience and not all of it was my own.

I said i would see him when I saw him. ((He's letting me not have fixed session slots and to contact him when I want to arrange an appointment. ))

Short background:



T commented on me not bringing my usual bag at first. I explained that I was staying at my parent's while they were gone, so I can leave my stuff there.
We first briefly talked about stuff with my partner as well as work.

At some point I commented on how I'd been quite hurt last week. We'd already had a phone call about it on Wednesday. He asked me to remind him of what he'd said (he already had remembered on Wednesday, it was clearly more just to test my memory). I told him he'd said how I'm actually doing quite well and still feel that way. He asked what he'd said about it on Wednesday. I replied that I shouldn't always take what he's saying that seriously. That this is not the only thing he thinks.

He agreed and told me he has a lot of trouble putting this into words sometimes (we've talked about this multiple times now). How there's a concept in things like mindfulness where you say that people attach far too much meaning to words. That he might have commented that in that moment, but that he's still aware that I often struggle and am not having a good time, and how both of these concepts can coexist, just because he says one thing doesn't mean he forgets about the other things.

At some point I told him how the most painful part of last session had been when he'd said 'you're never looking at me, so you're alone'. That really hurt, especially since I'd rather recently started to just calm myself by thinking I'm not alone since I can always calm myself by thinking of him. He told me he'd completely forgot he'd said that but that this was obviously something that might be distressing to me. He told me that it's just a thing that's said in the moment, it doesn't mean that this is always true. He told me that oftentimes he's really happy when I manage to look at him, and commented how I often do that now towards the end of our sessions. He said that at that specific moment he felt me kind of distancing myself from him, but that's not always the case.

More towards the beginning he also told me that it's sometimes his job to provoke me a bit, but that he of course doesn't want me to leave being upset by that. And that he often knows what thing he said the previous session might be upsetting, that he sometimes even thinks about instances of our sessions that might have been upsetting, that it doesn't just end when I walk out the door.

We wrapped up at some point, he asked what I'd still have planned for my time off and we talked about a recent article that I might be interested to read.

T cancelled my appointment today because she was sick. I’m waiting for her to call to reschedule. Honestly I was wondering before she called if I was starting to get sick myself.

Today was not a good appt. I knew what I wanted to talk about, but when I got there, I lose all my determination. I made some small talk, which was not common cause Kumy hates small talk. Then, the dreaded question "what do you want to talk about?" and, of course, I froze and told T "I don't know". Brilliant, I know. And after his "well, you can tell me about how you felt this week", which was actually what I wanted to talk about, I ended up talking about other things, important ones, yeah, but not the ones that I wanted to talk about.
Anyway, we talked and I admitted how difficult it is for me to confort other people or to hug them or to be around people who is vocal about their feelings. I asked T specifically how to confort somebody and he shoot the question back at me. I told him that running away was the best option, but that it didn't serve that purpose. I told him that telling her to calm down didn't work. I told him that hugging probably would help in that context. He told me "see, you're not so lost. You know what to do". Well, yeah, I never said I didn't know, I just said that it was difficult and that hugging is really uncorfortable for me.
Somehow, we ended up talking about my feelings and the reasons why I choose not to disclose them. We talked about vulnerability. I told T that I prefer not to show my feelings cause I don't want to take the risk of being hurt. T asked me if I have been hurt before. He was not amused by my "we all have been hurt". From there on, it all went downhill. I actually told him that my father hurt me and that it was not on purpose. But I couldn't talk anymore. I hate this. I don't know how you all open up to Ts. I wish I were as confident and brave as you.

Pdoc appointment last night. He’s leaving the practice at the end of the year. He will be going to a different city and cash only. Plus the counseling center I go to for the pdoc and my T is up for sale and might close too. I may be out of a T and a pdoc as of 12/31/19. I’m super sad and upset. Pdoc couldn’t do that much for me medicine wise. I’m on the highest doses of my meds. So we are going to augment with alternative meds. He had me go to Costco and get some SAM-E and he is ordering me some vitamin B something. He gave me a book to read and a forty page paper to read. Apparently there’s some people who have a gene or gene variant that make anti depressants not work right and he thinks I have that. I love my pdoc and I told him he is breaking my heart.

SK, you can actually get tested for those genes, if you want. My old psychiatrist was going to do it, then I had to leave, then my new psychiatrist wanted to do it, but I wasn't sure if insurance would cover it.

I would again suggest looking into telepsychiatry if you can't find another psychiatrist. And maybe it would be best to try to find another right away since it sounds like he was useless when it came to med changes.

I met new t. She seems useless. She wants me to buy a workbook which is fine. We talked about my anxiety. She has strict feelings of what requires medication and what requires hospitalization. I'm worried to be honest with her.

A snippet:

Me: Thanks for listening to me complain about my problems.
T: Processing, you were processing.
Me: I was totally complaining. I was going to say whining, so we’re already meeting in the middle here.
T: I’d say processing. Now (referencing a previous conversation mid-session, a bit of a light break) you were definitely whining about the trash can.
Me: Remarking. I was complaining about my problems, but I was remarking about the trash can.
Then we both laughed and I paid and went away.

I had therapy today. We did some art. She had me draw my feelings for like 10 minutes and then we talked about what I drew. I didnt expect it to like- help. I thought it was a little silly but I did it anyways.

I drew a curve where it peaks at the center and then peters out in other directions. And then I drew a giant black line starting at the top and falling downwards towards the bottom. And some other thinngs. When we talked about them it was actually not horrible. She made some good points. And then we talked a little more about my history... and my medication non-compliance.

I want to work on that. I want to be ok. In time I really hope that I can be.

Meandering session today, but it was very helpful.
‘A lot has happened since last session, but I am going to tackle it chronologically.’
‘Makes sense to me.’

I showed R a piece of writing I had done after our most recent meeting.

‘What stands out to me here is: ‘This feels like the ugly part’ Can you explain a bit more about that?’

I mentioned that I felt holding the anger wasn’t helping me, ‘but everything I have read suggests a physical outlet – what are passive people supposed to do?’
‘Do you consider yourself passive?’

‘Yes.’ I talked about how anger wasn’t really present in my experience with Chris, because it wouldn’t change anything. I mentioned the contrast between that and the other experience. ‘When the thought ‘What the **** are you doing?’ crossed my mind, and it did….I didn’t say anything.’
I talked about letting people in on my friendship with Chris as an indication of trust. ‘I need people to understand who I am, and how I got here.’ R said she feels similarly.

‘When I have given people the opportunity to understand and they don’t...’

‘Or can’t…that hurts, so you put up a new wall.’
‘And yet, the most dangerous words in the world are ‘Nobody will ever understand this.’ I talked about the way in which I feel I am perpetuating the pattern.
‘I remember the photograph…it took you a while to tell me about that. It’s like a turtle going back into its shell.’
We talked about my process around seeing a call for submissions, deciding not to write anything, and then writing anyway. The story involved an e-card for a friend, sent from the same website that I used to use to light virtual candles for struggling friends.
‘It sounds as though you go to the same emotional place when you are writing as you go to when you are explaining something to me. You need your emotions to be able to write such powerful pieces, but it is incredibly painful.’

‘Yes. The hardest part about writing this piece was not including the other people.’

‘You wanted to write about it in isolation.’
‘Yes.’ I talked about my process of writing the piece in ten minute increments to avoid emotional buildup, and using the visualisation R had shared with me to come up with the last paragraph.
‘I submitted it on Tuesday after I emailed you because I needed a clear head. The thing I took from the submission guidelines was ‘If you do not follow these, your submission will immediately be rejected.’
‘Very strict then.’

‘As one of my American tutors said – Times New Roman, 12 point font, or you will never publish anything.’
I went on to say that they will have the piece for three months, ‘but I don’t think I can handle being in a vulnerability hangover for that long.’
I talked about how I am glad Chris didn’t live to see this, and R detected some disgust.

‘I am not the same – I’ve changed.’ We talked about this some more, and R offered a way of reframing the situation, not looking at my weakness, but seeing the strength it ‘must have taken’ to hold all that.
She asked me whether I needed a moment, and then continued. ‘It’s almost like there’s a block between the person you are now, and the person you were then.’
She offered that I could use visualisation to help bring those people together, and mentioned that I bring out visual tendencies in her. ‘It doesn’t happen all the time.’
She moved quickly when she saw that I was on the verge of becoming emotional, and then offered her closing words.

‘Being angry doesn’t make you any less of a beautiful compassionate person. You can be compassionate and still be angry.’

Can really relate to this as when I went to counseling 6-7 years ago felt like I was mostly “whining”, glad to know or learn rather that I was actually “processing” what happened to me.

This week we mainly talked about a recent experience with a certain drug I've had. Since it's one of the substances that's getting studied a lot as an alternative to anti-depressants, my T was fairly interested in it.
Towards the end we also discussed our eye contact. Some weeks ago it'd been really hard to look at him. He asked whether it makes it better or worse if he asks me to try to look at him. I answered that it depends. We tried a few times, felt really nice to be able to look at him for a bit. I also told him that if I could just choose, I'd be constantly looking at him.

In session today I experienced one of those totally bizarre experiences that come with DID... t asked if there was a part that could help to contain a certain memory set for a while because it was too overwhelming for the daily life parts and was derailing our progress (had been happening for a few weeks). I immediately felt slammed to the back but was still "aware"... and felt this male presence take over. I was aware of how the body was sitting in the chair and could hear the bizarre voice and speech tone/accent that was coming out of "my" mouth but my "being", what "I" was saying and how "I" was saying it was completely foreign to me. I'm not entirely sure how that come across to t but I think she was confused too. My biggest awareness was of my self confusion... of trying to speak and let T know I was there and I was actually okay, but instead having this different voice saying completely different things coming out of my mouth.
I have no idea what part of self that was. Fun fun fun.

It went fine today. She says there’s something legit physical going on to make me feel this way. I didn’t bring up the cancelled session last week even though I greatly complained about it online and offline. I feel like crap today though but talking to her did help.

I saw my Pdoc last night. I had to wait three hours to see him because I didn't have an appointment. He must have gotten really behind because a guy was there for a six o'clock appointment and didn't get seen until 8 PM. I did find out that his cash only fee after 12/31/19 will be $200.00. I still plan on interviewing PDOC's but I can afford that four times a year if I have to. He paid for the supplements he suggested for me himself that he gave me last night and he gave me three books to read. Gave them, as a gift. He said it was going to be really hard to leave some of his patients, like me, so he was happy to know that I would be willing to see him for a while longer. He talked to me about the importance of hope, which admittedly has been very hard lately with the SUI feelings. He didn't charge me for the appointment last night either. I'm happy to know that there is at least a backup plan because I'm not happy about the reviews I have been reading online on some of the other Pdocs in the area. I was talking to some of the other patients in the waiting room last night and getting some names of people that were a definitely do not see. My PDOC talked about my religious leanings and about things that bring him hope. It was almost like a therapy appointment.

I told T that this past week I was ok, that nothing happened. I am the best liar in the world, and also the stupidest person. I don't know whether therapy is not for me or if this is not the right T for me. I'm really tired of my ability to ***** myself.

I began by telling R that it had been an intense week, but I had written something after last session. She asked whether I wanted her to read it, and I passed the piece of paper over.

‘You have a really beautiful way of expressing yourself with writing.’

‘Thank you. I’d been thinking about what you said regarding some people writing letters.’

‘And that is sort of what you’ve done here.’

‘I know I will never get the chance, but I would like to say to them ‘Look at what you’ve done!’

‘You want them to know what they’ve done. It doesn’t sound like you want anything in particular to come of that, but you want them to be aware.’

‘Yes. Every time something happened…fear.’

‘With a capital F, I am assuming?’

‘Exactly – Fear, anger and disappointment.’

I talked about Chris again, and how I only knew what I needed to know. ‘I only knew what I knew at the end, because I happened to be the first person she’d been in touch with.’
I went on to talk about how I felt there were similarities between the way Chris treated her children with regard to information about her illness, and how she treated me.

‘She wanted to protect those she cared about?’

‘…I am just going to acknowledge the ouch.’

‘That hurts?’

I talked about having points of reference for everything – birthdays, family, friendships, romantic relationships…

‘Do you mean you have remembered conversations about all of those things?’

‘We talked about life, the universe and everything, and yet the only information I have about how Chris responded to anger is second hand, and in a specific context.’

R asked me to clarify.

‘In a conversation Francisco told me about, six weeks before…why are those the hardest words in the world? Six weeks before the end of her life, when she expressed frustration with her health. That seems more justified to me.’

‘It seems more justified than what you are going through?’

‘Yes.’
R talked about how she felt I had really let her in on my relationship with Chris over the last couple of months. ‘I can see you almost drawing strength from that relationship, and thinking ‘What would Chris do in this situation?’ only you haven’t got a blueprint for this.’

‘I have a blueprint for everything else!’ We laughed about that a bit, and R said she almost wanted to request access to my blueprint cupboard.

‘Can you try something for me?’ She asked ‘Can you say the words ‘I have a right to be angry.’?’

I took a deep breath. ‘I have a right…I have a right to be angry.’

‘Put a swear word in there if you need to.’

‘I have a right to be ****ing angry.’

‘I have a right to tell others about my anger.’

‘The how is negotiable, and not now…’ I turned to look at R. ‘I have a right to tell others about my anger.’
‘I am not going to push you too far. I have a right to express my anger.’

‘I have a right to express my anger.’

‘They’re like mantras or affirmations, whether you think them or say them out loud.’

She asked how that felt, and I replied that it felt as though they’d cleared some of the blocks.

‘Because I feel violated, I have every right to feel angry.’

‘That is personal to you.’

R asked how I felt coming to the end of the session, and I said that I needed to stop over-extending and leave something for myself, so that I can create.

She said she felt a bit blown away by the progress I have made. I made a comment early in the session about anger and sadness being different energies, and she liked that.

She asked me whether I feel it is possible for me to be compassionate and caring to others as well as to myself, and then realised she’d have to leave me with that one. She warned me against relying on ‘What would Chris do?’ at the expense of my own moral compass.

T session last night: My head is kind of foggy so I will do my best to make this coherent, in as much as I remember about the session. Most of what I remember is emotional--how I feel, and not so much the actual stuff that was said, but I'll give it a go, and see if I can process some of this here on PC.

T came and got me from the waiting room. The first thing I noticed was that she didn't have flowers in her hair. I like when she wears flowers in her hair. It's charming. As we were walking back to her office, she asked me how my day had been. I said it had been challenging. When we got to her office, I asked her how her day had been. She said it was stressful. She also works at a hospital, and the patients are supposed to come see her for therapy, but they weren't coming, so she had to go and find them, and often they were engaged in other activities, so the day just wasn't smooth. It didn't flow how it was supposed to flow. I told her how my day was challenging. That the GM had kept me there late, venting about an employee. I'm in Accounting but I am also in charge of HR (really needs to be two people honestly, but we don't have the payroll for it apparently). And so he was venting to me for about 20 minutes. Which felt weird. It felt like we (mostly he) was talking about another employee behind his back. I've always been taught that you complain up not complain down. But I've also never been responsible for HR before so maybe this is part of HR. He kept me there pretty late, and I really don't know if I was helpful, but I was like, okay, if you need to talk, I guess you can talk to me.


Then I got down to business with T. I told her I had seen the PDOC (who currently works in the same office as her) twice since I had seen her because of the suicidal thoughts. I told her I had had really intense suicidal thoughts for 5 days straight and I knew it was time to call the doctor because I really did not want to live. If I would have had the means, I would probably not be here. I told her how . I felt for the first time perhaps that she really took my suicidal thoughts seriously. We have had a pact for a while now that if I were ever to attempt suicide, I had to call her first. She upped the ante. She said, not only did I have to call her, but we had to meet, and I had to to get her permission. Which I reluctantly agreed to. I doubt she's ever going to give me her permission but I figure if I call her and we meet then I've done what I said I would do. I told her, you're changing the rules, that's not what you said before. To which she replied, "Well I'm saying it now." I agreed to it because I was more in my right mind last night and I know she had my best interests at heart.


We talked about how if I committed suicide it would impact people that I haven't even thought it would impact. Coworkers, people at Church, etc. She told me that her ex-husband (who has been her ex for like 30 years) just last February. I said I was sorry. She said he wasn't even suicidal for very long. He just had a bad day and ended things. She then told me about a few different patients she has had that have killed themselves and how it impacted her. She also told me about a coworker she had that had and how that had impacted her. She told me she would be greatly impacted (or something like that) if I were to kill myself. I brushed her off. I said, no you wouldn't. You would just be like, one less person I have to deal with. She said, "No, I wouldn't." I actually felt very cared for in that moment. That was really the first time I have felt cared for by her. I felt like she meant those words. It touched me. I still feel the care today.


We talked about how if I were to kill myself it would put my nieces and nephews at higher risk of suicide. I said I know that, but at the time, I didn't care. I just wanted to die. She told me that it would cause my Dad to fall to pieces. I said I know, but at the time, I just didn't care. I just didn't want to be here any longer. I just didn't want to be in pain. She said that she got that, that she understood.


We talked about my hallucinations and how I have been reacting to them. She didn't have much to say about them except perhaps I am tapped into more of a world in between this one and the next. I don't really believe that, but we did talk about angels and demons. She said I probably give my angels a lot of workout trying to keep me safe. I said yeah, I probably exasperate a lot of people. She said I'm not talking about people, I'm talking about your angels. We talked about that for a while and different experiences that I have had where I feel a divine presence stepped in to save my life. She said if that is so, then my job is not done yet on earth, that I'm supposed to keep living. I said, I know but that God would forgive me if I die.


We talked about some lighter stuff like movies, and things I like to do or places I like to go to. She is trying to strengthen my will to live. We talked about hope a lot and about my religious leanings.


I don't remember some of the other stuff we talked about. Mostly stuff about keeping me alive. And how my suicidal thoughts were escalating. She was pleased that I hadn't self harmed in 30 days. She asked me how I managed that. I said, self harm wouldn't have been enough. I knew it wasn't safe to engage in when I was that suicidal. She seemed to get that.


I feel more at ease and more at peace today than I have been. I feel connected to my T and I feel like she is invested in me. If it would affect her if I died by suicide, she must care for me on a basic level. I felt some of that caring last night and I can still feel it today. I have a session with her next week, same day, same time. So at least I don't have to wait so long for an appointment. I think we did good work last night.


Comments welcome.


Kit

... Continue to end.