I have failed

I feel like I have failed at divorce. I just can't do this. I cannot get along with one of our essential team members. I have bent over backwards to work with this guy and we keep having one misunderstanding or falling out after another. I usually am not a hard person to get along with. I collaborate successfully with many different sorts of people at my job.

Last session I spent almost the whole time with T going over my difficulties with this person. T advised writing him an email and had suggestions for what to say to clear up the problems between us. I did this. Got back an email in which I feel like this person ***** all over me. Well, that was successful. I don't know what to do now. I almost sent him another email to try to explain myself better since he seemed not to have understood me at all and had in fact not responded to my most important concern. But then I realized that it is probably not that he sincerely misunderstood but that he deliberately misunderstood. This has been going on too long for him to truly be misunderstanding me. I am a pretty clear thinker and writer--what more can I say to him? So I didn't email him again. But I was ticked off because among other things he implied that I was being unethical. I need to take this crap from someone I am compensating generously for his time and services? I sought legal advice and the suggestion was made that I terminate the professional relationship with this guy. And start with someone new in his role. That will set us back. My husband will be furious. I'm scared for when he finds out.

I am really trying to move this divorce along and am just totally failing. And I feel I am not behaving well. I'm getting angry and I should be able to control that better. Can't I just suck it up and tolerate this guy? I have tried so very hard. Now I feel really unsafe with him and threatened. I have more anxiety about working with him than about the divorce itself, which is crazy. This is going to sound absurd, but I think I am angrier at this guy for how he has treated me than I have ever been at my husband.

I have this fear that next time I see T he will want to try to patch up the relationship between me and this team member. Like a couples session for a professional relationship. One time a while back he told me he wanted to help facilitate an emotionally attuned conversation between the two of us. I felt like barfing when I heard that. I don't want emotional attunement with this person. I just want him to treat me fairly and professionally.

I hate this. I feel like such a loser that I cannot make this work.

Excuse me, you paying for this guy's time? Why's he on YOUR team if he's not playing with you successfully? HIS problem, not yours! You're the right size, the pants don't fit.

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I'm getting angry and I should be able to control that better.

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says who? where was that written down? and why can't you be angry? even randomly? Divorce sucks donkey butt. Even in the most amicable splits... there are all sorts of things to get to you.

i mean, it's probably best to have a "team" and therapists and all to handle as much as well as possible.. it's probably better to be learning how to be apropriate and well in control... but DAMN.. i happen to think being downright snarly now and again is healthy.

Get rid of the guy. Period. Your husband will be mad, and i don't know your circumstances, but he'll get over it or he wont.. either way, you'll be fine. If you sell out your feelings everytime so as to prevent someone else's displeasure... well.. no wonder gasketts are popping.

What part of all of this is about you? i mean, who exactly is thinking of your feelings? Is your husband thinking that he should do X or you might be mad? i doubt it somehow.

all easier said than done.

you've said in a number of ways that you feel you have done your level best to work with this guy and he has not reciprocated. You feel insulted and even threatened by him. i think that the decision to replace him is a must. It's very reasonable.. and honestly you've tried harder than i would have.

so listen... go buy yourself a tub of ben & jerrys, a bottle of godiva liqueur and crawl into an herbal bath. Lock the bathroom door and put music on to drown everyone out. For one hour it will be "planet sunrise."

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Perna said:
Why's he on YOUR team if he's not playing with you successfully?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">He's a neutral on OUR team, works for both of us. So if I drop him, he drops husband too. But if he and I can't work together, then I don't see another way around it. I just hate the delay dropping him will introduce and I know husband will be really angry. Yes, a problem in our marriage has been that I have a hard time handling his anger at me. Moving forward on ending the marriage has not changed that. Lawyer said be prepared, we may want to drop him, but we might not be able to find anyone else and so be stuck with him.

Thanks JelloFluff for the support in my feeling angry. I'm not good at that and feel very guilty and embarrassed if I get angry, like it is a childish and inappropriate behavior and I should be acting like an adult.

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What part of all of this is about you?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I have been trying to carve out a space where this can be about me but I have felt stymied and thwarted by this team member I cannot get along with. He has made hostile comments to me in front of others and he will not talk to me privately to try to "get on the same page." I feel shamed in front of the others. Sometimes he has made me feel that the divorce process is like getting raped... in front of an audience. Yes, that's probably just me being dramatic, but honestly, sometimes I feel that way. He is supposed to be neutral but I feel he is biased against me for personal reasons that I do not understand (and do not want to at this point).

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you've said in a number of ways that you feel you have done your level best to work with this guy and he has not reciprocated. You feel insulted and even threatened by him. i think that the decision to replace him is a must. It's very reasonable.. and honestly you've tried harder than i would have.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">You are right, Jello. Thanks for those words.

I think I need 2 sessions with T this week. I have so much to get out and discuss. I've never done that before but I'm an inch away from emailing him to ask.

I am officially giving you a "one inch" PUSH to send that e-mail. Divorce is so complicated and impossible when everyone is trying to be cooperative. I can't imagine you going thru this with somebody, who from here, sounds like he is sabotaging your efforts. Get as much support and advice from your therapist as you need right now!

<font color="green">If you haven't deleted the email reply from this person, and I really hope you haven't, print it and forward it with your orginal email to him, to anyone involved in the divorce that might be able to help you. Would your soon to be x be upset at the way this person is treating you? If yes send him a copy too if no then don't of course. But do take a printed copy of the emails to your therapist. I am sorry this person is being such a yuts.</font>

Thanks tulips and dalila. Yes, I will take the emails to my T.

I think I'm just going to accept that this person and I cannot work together. He is very well respected and has worked on many cases successfully, but for whatever reason, it is not working with him and me, and causing me too much stress over our inability to communicate and work together. I need to focus on other things with the divorce, not interpersonal relations with the team members. I will try to move forward and find someone else to fill his role. Yes, there are going to be some angry people, such as my H. I will lean on my L for help with all of this. (And my T too.)

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Like a couples session for a professional relationship..

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Hey Sunny,

Just like me and T! I'm sorry this is going so crappy. I imagine that this guy is pressing your buttons big time and in a perfect world you would have the time and energy to figure out why and work on the relationship, but it seems like you want closure on the divorce and don't want/need/have the time for this kind of relationship work and repair. So, I vote with the others--dump him and get someone who can work with you. Or, have a meeting with him once and for all and bring his e-mail and tell him how it makes you feel and ask him if he thinks he can communicate with you on a professional level. But that can open more doors than you need right now.

It's okay to put your needs first and take care of yourself.

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I hate this. I feel like such a loser that I cannot make this work.

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No nononononononononono. YOU are not a loser. HE is causing this. YOU are just refusing to absorb his crap. You probably remind him of his mother....
Gee, guy stuff!

I hope you can continue to take care of you and your girls. I think you're doing a fabulous job.

xoxoxoxoxo