[DP_2017]

So, my T typically was against this and while it sucked, I liked not feeling dependent on him or therapy, it was good for me to have weekly for the most part. (even though he thankfully gave me 2x after my dog died and at the end of therapy)

Anyway, I'm starting to feel like I "need to go again" already and its not about bonding or anything, couldn't give a **** less about this guy but the release of getting the feelings out, in person with someone was really nice and its' sadly pushed them more to the surface so it feels more intense.

I don't want to initially be like "I need to come 2x a week" it comes off very needy and I hate that. However I also don't want long term therapy nor a bond of any kind so this needs to happen as fast as possible. Is there usually a specific type of therapist more willing to do this right away? I mean the Tues guy had nothing until this coming Thur (over a week wait) and Monday guy had 1 spot all week and then the secretary said "That's all he has this week, he's booked" so neither of them seem like potentials for this anyway.

I feel in this case, like going 2x a week could make it all go way faster and really help me get the intense feelings out. I'm a huge fan of sitting with your feelings, and all... but this feels more intense than anything I've ever experienced. (yes this is even worse to me than losing my beloved dog)

I'm also wondering, is there any good tips on if by some chance I found a therapist open to this right away, to keep any sort of bond from happening? I'll quit instantly if I feel a closeness or bond happening so I need to "stop dog" therapy this time LOL

The other issue is Feb 14 I have surgery which will remove me from any sessions for 2-3 weeks..... and while I don't care in the sense that I wont miss these clowns or anything, I worry that after I'm feeling more myself in the recovery, the intense feelings will hit again and I wont have any outlet for weeks. Any thoughts on that?

Needy /dependent.
Have you not been reading your own posts? You're talking like you've got it altogether but if went twice a week you'd.... Well... Be in a place you're already in.
Twice a week helps bring up the deep feelings and hold them there too be worked through.

[Sheffield]

Hi DP
Not to give unsolicited detail but I’m on a path with similarities
I terminated in may last year (getting too “involved” with each other nd we both agreed to a “one off” meeting in August to try to acknowledge the good/the value the relationship had to both of us blah blah
It was horrendous and changed my vow to never seek therapy again
I have (4 sessions so far)and there is no question of me getting friend like/personal with this guy ever-mainly because I am not drawn to him in any way -no banter/humour nada
However,I’m already trying to convince myself to keep going as the lack of”attraction” mentally seems it may preclude any change in my feelings or might even enhance them !,
I truly understand the need to try to take control of these feelings which dominate your life-the desire to message/share photos etc ..... I have no idea if a crash course with another therapist will ultimately help or if not what will but
I FEEL this for you ,me and others suffering on here

[healed84]

The kinds of therapist who are generally ok with multiple sessions a week on a regular basis are the kind who are geared towards doing the “deep” work. So, while you say you don’t want to set yourself up to be dependent or needy, this kind of therapy might aid in that. As for your surgery, sounds like you should mention this to the ts you will be seeing and see if you can schedule some appointments a couple weeks out.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Jessica11

Needy /dependent.
Have you not been reading your own posts? You're talking like you've got it altogether but if went twice a week you'd.... Well... Be in a place you're already in.
Twice a week helps bring up the deep feelings and hold them there too be worked through.

Uh grieving and needing to release feelings isn't needy pr dependent. I'm still a very independent person who values my space. Your comment was rude and way off. Maybe learn compassion for how grief can be for people

Originally Posted by Sheffield

Hi DP
Not to give unsolicited detail but I’m on a path with similarities
I terminated in may last year (getting too “involved” with each other nd we both agreed to a “one off” meeting in August to try to acknowledge the good/the value the relationship had to both of us blah blah
It was horrendous and changed my vow to never seek therapy again
I have (4 sessions so far)and there is no question of me getting friend like/personal with this guy ever-mainly because I am not drawn to him in any way -no banter/humour nada
However,I’m already trying to convince myself to keep going as the lack of”attraction” mentally seems it may preclude any change in my feelings or might even enhance them !,
I truly understand the need to try to take control of these feelings which dominate your life-the desire to message/share photos etc ..... I have no idea if a crash course with another therapist will ultimately help or if not what will but
I FEEL this for you ,me and others suffering on here

That's helpful to know. Ya I made 0 jokes on Tuesday. Normally I use humor to deal with social anxiety but I'm not going down that banter road again

Originally Posted by healed84

The kinds of therapist who are generally ok with multiple sessions a week on a regular basis are the kind who are geared towards doing the “deep” work. So, while you say you don’t want to set yourself up to be dependent or needy, this kind of therapy might aid in that. As for your surgery, sounds like you should mention this to the ts you will be seeing and see if you can schedule some appointments a couple weeks out.

I can't. It all depends on my recovery. My work doesn't even have a return date yet my doctor says just have to go by my progress in recovery. However if 2x a week is usually for deep. I wont do it anyway

[DP_2017]

Thanks for the replies.

I don't think I'll opt down the 2x a week path. I'm too stubborn and I am not putting myself at risk of bonding or dependency. I will just try to focus more on journaling and mind numbing hobbies.

I want to go to boxing but I'm gonna wait until I recover from surgery anyway

2x was just a thought but I'll be ok. Honestly I'll be surprised if I see anyone post surgery

[downandlonely]

I've never tried 2 times a week. I usually did every other week. I don't think I ever had a therapist who was willing to do more than once a week.

[Anne2.0]

I think the kind of therapist most likely to do 2x week is the kind of therapist that has openings in his schedule.

I have never scheduled 2x week, but have had "emergency" sessions on occasion, maybe 6 times in the last year or so. Very infrequently over the course of the last decade. It does help to deal with the intensity of what comes to the surface and it sounds like you are not fooling around, you just want to drop into it.

As to bonding, I tend to think it's a natural product of feeling heard and seen in therapy. I think you are just talking about bonding, right, a kind of connected feeling and not the intense attachment/love pangs that are sometimes discussed on this board? I think that is individual in nature and I'd be surprised if that was what was sparked in you, given your goals going in. And I don't think that has anything to do with 2 or 2 x week.

[DP_2017]

Some call it attachment, I call it bonding. I think attachment makes me think of leaches lol.

I think people here often forget I'm also avoidant. I don't typically "bond" with people in real life. Things with T were very rare for me. However, since it happened once, I'm terrified of it happening again and that wall is huge now.

I'm very independent and hate attention, which also makes therapy hard for me. Ya it's easy to "talk" online often about this but in person? No. I don't like people even looking at me. Tues was hard in that sense, I was used to my T taking the lead and talking tons about himself to take the focus off me. So just sitting here being the focus made me super uncomfortable. There was alot of silences and me looking down and away.

That's another reason, idk if I can do much either of them. This is gonna become very difficult for me.... and I honestly think I'll opt out of therapy again all together and just suffer alone.

[zoiecat]

While our circumstances are nowhere near the same, I suggested 2x a week early on with my T because I wanted to get through all of my crap faster. He agreed. (Maybe not for the same reason as me, but he knows I am a long term case).

It doesn't sound like you are at risk of bondinding at this point. There is no harm in asking if they have openings.

I too am avoidant. I have been seeing my T now for just over 2 years and I can only look at him for 1-3 minutes per session. I will talk but my eyes are anywhere but on him.

[here today]

Interviewing T's and processing what goes on with them, thinking about what your options may be -- maybe that process in and of itself is helpful in processing things? Sounds like you're not going to rush into anything. You're protecting yourself in that way, and avoidance may be a useful skill in that regard.

What is it about the 2-3 weeks post surgery that you are afraid of? Not having enough distractions, not being able to distract yourself? Will you still be able to use the internet? If so, then you have us.

In my experience, suffering alone isn't such a good option, though, once one has had an inkling of a different kind of experience, even though you lost it/him. So thinking about what you might want to do after the surgery and recovery seems like a good idea. No rush on any of this, is there, if you can prepare ways to make it through the time post-surgery on your own? Just my perspective. And, who knows, maybe one of the T's you are seeing and interviewing might have some good ideas on that.

[toomanycats]

a psychoanalyst would be open to immediate multiple times a week...but usually long term

[LonesomeTonight]

I know people on here have had mixed results with it, but have you considered trying one of the online therapy places? There's a link to Betterhelp on this site and I know there's another major one--can't think of the name right now. But that would probably help with the attachment issue, and you could still work with them during your recovery from surgery. Just a thought... no idea how insurance works with them though.

[LostOnTheTrail]

I think the other one is called TalkSpace, but I don't have any experience with either.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

I think the other one is called TalkSpace, but I don't have any experience with either.

Yes, that's it!

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by here today

What is it about the 2-3 weeks post surgery that you are afraid of? Not having enough distractions, not being able to distract yourself? Will you still be able to use the internet? If so, then you have us.

I should have been more clear. Due to the type of surgery, I am on limits on things I can and can't do for 2-3 weeks. (including driving and very limited walking) So I need to stay with my mom so she can help me and help take care of my dog. That's the one place in the world, emotions are not ok. So if I was still struggling and it felt "intense" I'd be unsure of how to get those out, since I can't do much there but ya I can post here.... maybe I'll be lucky and my surgery will magically erase my memories and pain all together

Originally Posted by toomanycats

a psychoanalyst would be open to immediate multiple times a week...but usually long term

Ya it seems that so I'm not open to 2x a week anymore. I just thought it would be a good way to get it done faster.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I know people on here have had mixed results with it, but have you considered trying one of the online therapy places? There's a link to Betterhelp on this site and I know there's another major one--can't think of the name right now. But that would probably help with the attachment issue, and you could still work with them during your recovery from surgery. Just a thought... no idea how insurance works with them though.

I would consider if it wasn't a huge trigger in itself. One of things I don't discuss here about T but ya the video chat stuff was "our thing" and not very T like at all. I miss it and we discussed doing if after my surgery... and then hell happened. I don't think I'm in a good place to handle this, even though it has perks.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I would consider if it wasn't a huge trigger in itself. One of things I don't discuss here about T but ya the video chat stuff was "our thing" and not very T like at all. I miss it and we discussed doing if after my surgery... and then hell happened. I don't think I'm in a good place to handle this, even though it has perks.

I too was going to suggest online therapy of some type.

When I had my first big rupture, I tried one of the online options. All my communication was via email. No video chat or phone at all. This might have been more my doing that theirs. Also, the email was not directly into my email, it was to their platform. Much closer to the PM set up here. I would type up very very long messages (3-4 single lined word docs). I would get significant length replies. They also made it clear from the beginning what their "working hours" were so I knew there would be no communication outside those hours. I could email as much as I wanted, they only agreed to one reply a day, though often, I would get more if it was shorter communications and well within their working hours.

I think it was helpful. I only used the service for 3 wks.

I hope you don't mind me sharing my experience with online. You know you best and what might or might not work.

As far as more times a week, I would say that a 1x a week I struggled with staying connected and trusting T/the process, at 2x a week it strengthen my attachment to deep longing and painful separations, at 3x a week there is comfort that she is there, I miss her and still think of her often. There are also many hours a day I don't think of her. I can be sad of not being with her (not being able/allowed to be with her) without being crippled by the pain. I can leave sessions knowing that I will get to see her again soon. I still don't like leaving sessions, I still want to stay. I am not hurt by having to go nor crying simply because I had to go/my time was up.

With 3x a week, we get into deep stuff and many confusing thoughts/feelings/urges/instincts come up.

I would have to say more frequent does not always equal faster. It can mean more support and does mean more work. Lately, that is where this has headed for me; wanting to be with her and not wanting to be with her because being with her is work - hard work. Sorry to ramble.

[DP_2017]

No worries, I welcome all responses here. Even rude ones, ha!. (I just ignore them usually)

I don't mind anything you said. I could try the email but honestly I'm not a big email fan. I didn't love it with T even, it was more or less just "fun" to see his name in my inbox... but we ended up having massive miscommunication via email, and it was ultimately my choice to end it. (although he said he wouldn't reply anyway even if I did email but that's a whole different thing)

Ya. I read the paper the Tues guy gave me on grief/loss and it talks about death, break ups, divorce etc... and it says basically most people with a close relationship loss have intense pain from 3-18 months and it is a lot based on support and how they choose to share/talk about it. It also said that it's a long process and some take years to get to a point where they can feel whole again. Kinda depressing, I mean, I knew the time could be a while as it was with my dog, it still is a thing, but I didn't realize how much this man meant to me, this is way worse than my dog, and I'd never thought I'd experience anything worse.

So I worry I won't feel whole enough or well enough with short term, but I'm too scared of long term. The Tues guy was very good about saying he is open to short term and that if I ever needed more down the road, months or years down the road, I could return for those issues. He also said at one point "There's a lot going on here" and I quietly was like "Ya, I know, I'm a mess"

So he already caught on to the pain I try to hide beyond the grief thing. I also saw Monday guy does not list grief/loss on his website as a specialty. Sigh.... I emailed another local company with just generically asking for anyone who has experience with grief/loss. A women is FAR less likely for me to bond or feel close to but at the same time, I don't feel safe with women, so it could be a tougher struggle.

Anyway, I rambled too, ha! I definitely don't think I could do 3x a week. As much as I love T, I think he would have annoyed the absolute **** outta me at that much frequency. I'm glad it works for you though

[Salmon77]

Maybe some kind of grief support group could be helpful, in addition to the T? I haven't done this but I know someone who used one after losing a loved one. Seems like it would help with the attachment fears and you wouldn't have to schedule, you could just go or not go.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

Maybe some kind of grief support group could be helpful, in addition to the T? I haven't done this but I know someone who used one after losing a loved one. Seems like it would help with the attachment fears and you wouldn't have to schedule, you could just go or not go.

That was my initial plan but I was only seeing ones specifically for death of loved ones... so I didn't think that would help. I could look in other cities a bit further out though

[LonesomeTonight]

I think most T's are trained in/have experience helping people with grief and loss, as it's something that most everyone deals with at some point. My T didn't list anything about grief/loss, but he seems very knowledgeable about the process and has helped me get through the ex-MC stuff. So I wouldn't write that guy off without meeting him.

Another thought is...if you're worried about attachment to one T. Could you maybe see one T for 4 weeks, then if you feel you still need help working on the grief, go see a different T for 4 weeks?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I think most T's are trained in/have experience helping people with grief and loss, as it's something that most everyone deals with at some point. My T didn't list anything about grief/loss, but he seems very knowledgeable about the process and has helped me get through the ex-MC stuff. So I wouldn't write that guy off without meeting him.

Another thought is...if you're worried about attachment to one T. Could you maybe see one T for 4 weeks, then if you feel you still need help working on the grief, go see a different T for 4 weeks?

That's good to know, I will try him, I mean neither choice is ideal but I'm looking for opposite of what I'd normally like about someone.

Ya I could swap every 4. Thankfully the surgery will put a huge gap in sessions so I either wont return at all by the time I can or I surely wont care about them in the slightest... so I should be ok for the first 4.

[elisewin]

I go twice a week regularly. Not because I am "too needy or dependant" or in crisis but because that's how the work we do has helped me most.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Uh grieving and needing to release feelings isn't needy pr dependent. I'm still a very independent person who values my space. Your comment was rude and way off. Maybe learn compassion for how grief can be for people

DP, Jessica was using the words you yourself used in your OP. I'm glad you recognize that your needs don't make you needy or dependent in your reply to her, but it seems like there's some cognitive dissonance going on for you, since you have also expressed being worried about these things.

[DP_2017]

Needy to me is an attention seeker, someone who HAS to have constant attention with people and be noticed. Dependent is someone who can't function in day to day life and decisions without someone, or when someone becomes the center of their life, neither of those are me. I never said they were bad, I hate them. I don't like being that way at all. I wasn't saying others can't be, they can do whatever they want, however I am not those things and don't appreciate the assumption, just because someone wants to reach out and help doesn't make them needy but if I was to email "omg I need 2x a week right now" it comes off in my mind, as needy, too attention seeking, I wont do it

My T knew I had this issue, he very much confirmed it. I'm not the same in person as I come off online. I wouldn't openly talk about this with you guys in person, I don't like that attention and I don't like therapy in the sense that its "about me"... it makes it very difficult for me