Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Things are really escalating really quickly.
This is like a snowball rolling down a hill getting bigger and bigger and gaining momentum. I need you.

It's all about shame, can't you see that?

hey ummmm idk if I want to come to game night!

Dear T,

So my PCP says I'm bipolar and psychotic, two diagnoses I know you wouldn't agree with. But this will be on the paperwork for the new mental health people so I guess they will do their own assessment and can decide for themselves.

-Butterfly

I think all this walking is helping clear my mind and in some ways is beginning to replace therapy. I still miss "us" but it was only really bad one night lately. I'm getting over loving you, slowly but surely.

The converted acolytes zealously defend your perverse nonsensical doctrine even more than you therapists do. There is almost no difference between religion and psychotherapy.

Art - I hope you don't mind me poking in here. Is there a reason you have to get over loving her? Wouldn't accepting that you love her; that it's ok to love her; and it's ok to love her even if she is not in your life anymore be a valuable step as well?

For some reason when I read your statement, I got the feeling of loving her meant possessing/owning her. Like if you couldn't have her in your life the way you want her to be there then there's no reason to love her or that you shouldn't love her.

It also reminded me of your quote about finding barriers to love. What barriers are you putting in place so that this love doesn't hurt or what barriers are in place so you cannot or no longer feel the love that is there (and yeah, kind of thinking of looking at the mirror on this one - not sure if I'm ready).

I know there's so much more to it than this, as I only know a fraction of what you have experienced, so forgive me if I'm completely off base here.

Thanks Elio. I don't mind at all. Lots of good stuff to think about. I guess a lot of this attitude of mine comes from her seeming to not make much of an effort to understand my feelings about her until in my mind anyway it was too little too late and then on top of that, from a young place inside me feeling rejected because she ignored my response to a podcast she emailed me (completely unsolicited btw) that I know she knew I would have a reaction to. I hadn't really been able to explain this before now I guess....

I will always love her. I just need to get over it, get over myself, as in stop fighting how I feel, or something.

Why did you tell me you were retiring from public speaking and teaching last year, yet you are clearly continuing?

or just accept your feelings? that is what i am working on right now.

I wish you were alive. You would have known what I should do. You would have helped me navigate all of this weirdness. You would have taught me. I don't know what to do without you. I feel like I am stumbling in the darkness.

I have really cleaned more today and I threw somethings away and will give some things away. I am not in my head today. I love the site you suggested. I am actively participating and I learned something. I don't know how to look at data statistically speaking, and there probably not enough of it, but I noticed that a lot of people with social anxiety have a B12 deficiency. I know there may or may not be a correlation, but it really interested me. I feel like myself today. I am not worried about the therapeutic relationship at all. I have been getting more sleep and I have been walking and I feel SOOOOO much better. I really think doing what I did in regard to work was the only answer. I am kind of feeling an excitement/joy about what I will be doing next. I have no idea, but just fathoming that my life doesn't have to be so excruciating gives me hope. I had lost all hope. And now I feel hopeful.

I feel the same about my therapist. I get mad at myself that I can't move on like he has.... but I hope to very soon. Hugs to you

Why did you have to refer to yourself (twice) as my "treatment provider" today? That feels so impersonal. I don't like this feeling. I feel like erecting walls now.

My heart is breaking in a million little pieces. A was driving back to college in the snowstorm. She hit the guardrail and totalled her vehicle. She is so upset because she totalled her car. She is in some pain from the seatbelts. Getting that call was horrible. For this momma, the 20 mile ride to get her was difficult especially since I couldn't communicate with you. I tried my best not to panic...holding it together for her. Really I just want to break down and cry. I want to talk to you.

I’ve had a whirlwind of emotions about you and therapy. Feeling sort of embarrassed by the emails that I sent which now seem overly dramatic to me although you have never said that. And I know you’ll read them which I’m not sure is good or bad.

Probably the stupidest thing of all ok it is the stupidest is that I am doing this to myself by not calling you. H cracked a joke last night that I made it past his "over" of 10 days (it's been 24 but who's counting)(me evidently). I have this feeling that you'll be disappointed in me if I tell you we've decided together that we want to make our marriage work no matter how different it might have to be from before. Perhaps you have already guessed that since I haven't called assuming you have even thought about me of course. Oh hell. Why couldn't you have just acknowledged my response?! Would it really have been such a bad thing?! For Pete's sake. Grrr. Why can't I let this go? It's so stupid.

I just checked. 87 days

it's been that long since I've seen you, since I've last heard you laugh, since we went on a walk together, since we hugged. I miss it all and every single one of those days I have thought of you and loved you. I really hope this isn't the forever end. You are too amazing of a person to never see or speak to again

I feel like I have disappointed you or let you down. I'm so sorry. I want to be better but I'm not sure I know how.

hey is this gonna be mega awkward. I hope not lol

I really need an answer. I hate when you leave me feeling like my time is not valuable.

I'm losing my words.

Dear T: Miss you. Kit

I'm tired of talking about you to someone who doesn't even know you. It's all pointless. I am taking a break. something I'd never have done with you, intentionally.

I miss you and I can only hope that some times, you miss me briefly