Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

T, I’m sad and I miss you. Tomorrow I work and you are not in the office but I know I can call you if I need to Tuesday. I don’t know if I can explain it on the phone though. Spring break is almost over... all clear until summer vacation. Yuck. I can get the money to go inpatient if I need to but it puts me in a bad place financially. Maybe there is something we can work out that will feel like enough without driving you crazy? I don’t know and I don’t know if it would work... but I don’t know that inpatient will work either.
H has noticed I no longer wear my ring but he seems to just be waiting for it to pass. He has not said anything or asked about it.
T, I need hugs... like lots of them not just the end of session hug.

T: This weekend was as bad as last weekend, and I even had something to do today. It was so hard getting out of bed and showering, just to go to my friend's bridal shower. Which I almost missed completely if her fiancé didn't text me about it earlier this week. Yes, I DO suck that much.

I hate Sunday nights now, bc all I do is stress about work. You are right, something's gotta give, but its just not me moving back to NY.

I asked for a double session tomorrow. But I had to ask jokingly because I know you’ll say no.

Hi L. I am almost ready to call you to say goodbye. Just disappearing feels wrong but maybe it's already too late for anything else...

I guess I also want you to know that I'm doing well and that h and I are still together and are basically reinventing our marriage from the ground up. We've been through so much together the past 21+ years neither of us wants to throw all of that away. You know what you said about how relationships can run their course and you were talking about my marriage but I think that more applies to you and I. In the past 6+ weeks since I saw you last I have found that I am capable of emotional intimacy outside of your office and am finding it in my marriage and with friends and have even had several long conversations with my mom on the phone (2 hours yesterday!!) and really starting to let people see the real me. I'm out to a couple of our friends now and they took it well and we're still friends. Major. It's like this level of honesty with h, I am more relaxed and open than ever. I don't have to hide anything anymore as our relationship evolves and changes. I love and appreciate him more than ever.

I want you to know all of this.

Dear T,

Thank you for helping me
Through the weekend. Hopefully the week will get a bit easier. I have to say I am impressed. You said I could reach out as needed and you have been mostly helpful over the years. I do think that our conversation a couple of months ago about me feeling like you had been inconsistent with appointments and overall busier than usual really hit home. Thanks for taking that seriously.

Healed

sometimes I'm afraid I'm in too deep and I care too much about your opinion of me that I won't tell you certain things and sometimes I wish I could start over and meet your for the first time again and I swear I'd be honest this time

Sometimes I wonder what I'd see if I looked up during those long pauses when you stop reading and sound emotional when you finally speak again.
How much of that is real and how much is a performance for my benefit?
Would you be able to flip it off like a switch if you wanted to?

Back to being down again.

well now-ex-T i know you will not reply to my text but i keep checking anyhow.

I don't know how to talk to you today. I don't know if I am angry or sad or how I feel about you right now but I really hope today goes well. Please don't be a jerk about this.

I haven't told you about the deposition mostly because we've been busy with other more important things. I'm sitting in the parking lot wishing you were here and going with me.

Its Monday again. It has been a hard few days where I have missed you terribly. I just want to talk to you but know that can not happen.

Wishing I could see you at our at 6:30 today.

Dear T,
Can I just hang out in the nest and the shallow end some more?
Love,
LT

I could do with speaking to you right about now.

T, you are flying home today... that means you are just a few mile from my house... can I meet you at the park and ride for a hug? OK, just kidding... that would totally freak me out... the thought that the shortest route from the park and ride to around where you live goes right past my house is freaky enough. I don’t want you anywhere near my house... like your driving by it could corrupt you or make you dirty or something... but... you are almost home. Tomorrow if I still need you I can call and not feel bad. If you are bored at the airport you can reply to my bunches of emails... JK... I know you like to people watch. Thursday... two more days to Thursday...

12 days until our would be 2 yrs, or 9 days in your mind lol. I miss that running joke.

I suspect I have just cancelled one time too many. I am sure you won't tolerate this nonsense.

I guess I just don't see the point in continuing. This is who I am and how I am. No matter how much I want connections they don't seem to be for me.

t,

today was really good. thanks for everything. i feel incredibly safe with you. and i love you, but not in a weird way.

me

ps - i could smell your cologne again today. yum!

You made me nervous this morning. I know you’re all about progress, and you said progress had been very slow. Next week I need to ask you what better progress would look like to you because I honestly don’t know what else to do.

Dear T,
I typed out an email to you, but again managed not to send it. Will see how I feel tomorrow. I just wasn't expecting all the sort of paternal stuff today. I'm not sure if I'm scared by those sorts of feelings or just scared by your care?
Love,
LT

Have you ever wanted to hug me?
I'm not asking whether you'd actually act on it.
I just want you to want to.

My shoulders know as well as the rest of me that it's April. One day at a time, right? And it's OK to take those days in five minute increments?

I drummed for a bit last night before I went to sleep. It was really relaxing but also reminded me of you because the last few times you drummed for me you'd found the perfect timing for me.

I miss you.

Dear T,
Managed not to email you. And now it's almost 9, so you're likely done your email-reading/replying for the morning. I see you Thursday afternoon. I can do this.
Love,
LT