Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I've forgotten how to be okay with myself again. I feel really negative and down on myself. Why does it have to be this shaky? Why do I have to go through this again and again? Is it just my lot in life?

Extra T for free!

One month from our rupture and we're still broken. What if we can't fix this?

P.s I still owe you for today's session.

We've only got 5 sessions left and I don't think I can bear it, especially not with everything that's going on.

I knew the second I saw your name in my inbox that you were going to be gone next week. I'll somehow get through another week I guess.

No, I wouldn't want my sessions filmed. I don't see any benefit of it.

Dear T,

I wish you understood me.

-Butterfly

Dear T,
I am so afraid that the person at work is going to give me a stellar review, because my pdoc told me that in order to get what I am seeking, you have to not be able to do any of the things I am supposed to do. I am so afraid and it already feels invalidating to me. I don't know if other people realize I am crazy, sometimes I think they do, and sometimes I think they have no idea. This is not going over well. I am trying to be mindful and accept whatever my brain is thinking without following it. I feel like crying for the rest of my life. I am also trying to relax and not stress myself out. I am terrified, afraid. Ugh.
me

It felt like by the end you really understood what those relationships were to me. I wasn't exactly hopeful, especially given how it went the last time it came up, over a year ago very early on in our work together.
That was why I made the face when you asked if I'd ever been in love. That's why I react like that when you use the word "partner" or bring up romantic relationships.
Thanks for actually listening and hearing me. It matters to me. I haven't discussed those relationships in any detail with you before because it's upsetting to have someone repeatedly try to turn them into something they weren't or be dismissive of what they were.
I think the difference was that this time you were willing to see it through my eyes, to stop trying to categorize it and instead hear an answer that was "D. None of the above"

I don't want to 'unpack' another 'box.' I'm too scared.

Two more sessions until you go away. I'm apprehensive. But what if I don't want to return when you come back?

I can sit one of my exams early, no confirmed dates yet but around the 20th so that will distract me.

Maybe I will contact the T i saw in january.

I couldn't have asked for a better reaction I think
But I still feel guilty and bad and ashamed for having told you
I keep replaying the moment you finally guessed correctly
How could you say those words so casually?
I still feel my stomach drop every time I think about it.
I'm trying to remind myself of the things you said after. Even with all my anxiety and cognitive distortions I have to acknowledge that it was clear that you really weren't judging me, that you really did think it was normal and okay.

I want you to agree with me that wanting these things is bad and wrong and unacceptable, but to tell me that it's possible to change that. I want you to tell me that there's hope that I can stop being like this, not that it's okay/normal/natural for me to feel like this.
I want to be able to make myself good, not to be told that I'm not bad.

I am telling you something big on Monday. Please be understanding and supportive.

And, I promise I won't like this guy I'm seeing over the summer while you're gone. In fact, I'm only seeing him because you're insisting.

Dear T,
I am careful not to cross your boundaries, why is it ok for you to cross the only boundary I have made with anyone ever?! It was hard for me not to give in but, more than that, I think you owe me an apology. Now I am reevaluating this boundary and really beating myself up over it's existence because it seems silly and stupid....also I might be angry with you.

T, I scared (well, duh, you can usually count on me to feel scared). I took my wedding ring off. I asked for support and he yelled at me. I am looking into inpatient, I think you would approve of the place, you have CEUs from there. I don’t know how you will take it though. You are awesome and I adore you. Once a week would be OK if things weren’t so toxic at home. I think you are too busy to meet more often but that could be an option too? I don’t know if you would work with H and I together and I can see both sides. I really need H yo come with me to see you though so we can talk about it. If he won’t I think I’m done. I told work last night I might go inpatient. They looked at me all stupid. I guess they don’t understand how messed up I can be on the inside and how bad things can be on the outside and I can still show up, lift crap, stock shelves and be friendly to customers... if they only knew what it took the two days I have called in sick.

Last session was sort of a role reversal. You seemed uneasy. I’ve never experienced that from you. In an odd way, that made me feel closer to you. It felt like you genuinely cared about me in a non-scary, very human way. So thank you for letting me see that. I’ve felt a deep peace since then. See you next week.

Dear T,
I’d like you to think I’m interesting.

unsolicited opinion/personal experience, putting it in a tw so it's easier to not read if you'd rather not read it, no pressure



I hope that whatever happens you're taking care of yourself and staying safe

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about filmed sessions. I'm talking about publically available videos of my T talking about something not therapy related.

Thanks LabRat
I too have had bad experiences bringing a third person into session. I know my husband will be an ***, monopolize the session, buddying up to T while trying to make it look like it is about me and I will leave feeling like I was cheated out of my sacred time with T. T does mostly couples/family counseling though so he knows the dynamics. T has established a LOT of trust that in the context of this family I am his only concern and that will not change no matter what... So, I also doubt T would do couples work with us and don’t think H would do couples work with my T even if I could get H into couples therapy. I still think it would be beneficial for T to meet H more than anything. I also want to see what H would do when T tunes into me... would he learn from it or use it as an excuse to blow up... so... long story short I expect the session to be an absolute disaster but think there could be long term benefits... especially with what T could learn.

Oh, and @LabRat27 the first person to truly start me on my healing journey was a priest/Chaplin and from the beginning with him I always had to share so I kinda got used to not being the only one. And my parents did the same crap with T’s when I was a kid.

I have this feeling like I want my T to meet H as well. Not for marriage counseling, but just to see what he's like. As T has said, he only knows my H through my eyes. Though whenever I mention possibly bringing him in, even for part of a session, my T hasn't really commented on it (though he has suggested possibility of bringing my mom in at some point, though we'd need to do lots of discussion about what I'd hope to accomplish). In your situation, I'm not sure if it would help or hurt. Would your H be willing to do marriage counseling with anyone else possibly?

Yes! That! T totally supports me when I talk about my struggles with H and while I adore T it makes me uneasy because it is only my percerption of the situation (not that it is wrong, but it is only one side). I also don’t know if H s just really a toxic person that I need to get away from or if he is hurting and needs to heal so that we can work things out. I totally do not trust my judgement on that but would trust T to have my best interest at heart and be open minded. When H got jealous of T the first time T said that H can come any time, to any session as long as I am OK with it... so T doesn’t seem concerned... and I would call, text, email as soon as I knew.

Oh, and I don’t know if H will do couples work (if not we are done) but T could make a solid referral.

Oh okay, thanks for clarifying. I personally wouldn't be interested in that either.