Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I don't know what to do. You would have helped me, or this never would have happened when you were alive.

I went to a girl's birthday dinner yesterday when I would normally pass on it and I actually had a nice time. I bought her a small box of chocolates- she hugged me and said thank you.That made me think of you.

I cancelled our upcoming sessions.

Ha! I knew it! And now the last laugh is on me because you are talking to me like I am a *-*-**ing remedial idiot. Mostly because I am acting like one, but *-*-** you all the same.

Time is flying by. It feels like I just walked out of your office and now it’s almost time to return. Maybe that’s a good thing. I wish every week could go like this.

Dear T: I feel like you were annoyed or frustrated with me last time. I don't know why. But I think I'm going to ask you when I see you on the 15th because it's been bothering me all this time. Kit

What am I thinking, going back to you after you had me hospitalized?

I wanna give up

I sent you two ridiculously long emails last night. I know you won’t reply, but can we at least talk about them next week??

Dear T,

Was just watching past episode of House that ends with the Arcade Fire song "My Body Is a Cage" (of course you wouldn't know that band or song). And I was just thinking, for me, it's more that my mind is a cage... Hope we can work through this bout of paternal transference stuff/ex-MC grief.
Love,
LT

L, I have such a nagging feeling all day today that maybe I'm being stupid in not wanting to come back to therapy. I think after work I'll sit down and journal about it, about what specifically is nagging me that I need to work on.

Dear T,

Got an intake appointment with a new mental health service place on Thursday so I can't see you. So I e-mailed you to ask if I can come in Friday. Please answer me soon, I need to plan.

-Butterfly

Thanks for being my therapy Care Bear. And for the cookies.

You tell me that wanting these things isn't shameful or pathetic, that it's natural and understandable. Even if that's true it still doesn't change the fact that I want something I can't have, at least not in the way I want right now, and that that hurts.

ok so L. last night I decided instead of being pissed off at you for saying that I don't know you, hoping that pissed off would somehow burn away the hurt, that I would try that reframing thing you tried to teach me, and see it instead as you trying something that simply missed the mark, that's all. that you weren't trying to hurt me you were trying to help me. and what do you know it worked i stopped being pissed off and the hurt isn't quite so deep anymore. i can work with this. thank you.

I guess I did learn something... how about that...

I really want a hug right now.

I know it's not the same but hugs, Lemon

Thank you for being you Artie.

@Lemoncake

Dear T,

Thank you for answering my e-mail but I'm bummed you can't see me at all this week.
I didn't see you last week either but I was the one who canceled that appointment. See you next Friday.

-Butterfly

So after three weeks with nothing other than time to think I want to finally tell you all the things. I want to tell you I am hurting and how much. I want to tell you how my inner faith is mainly hot air and I don't have any fire left. I don't want you to fix it. I want you to help me feel ok with being seen. I don't want you to feel sorry for me when I tell you all I have done for 3 weeks is cry.

I want to tell you all this but I am not sure how 4 years of muted silence will be changed by 3 weeks of reflective thinking and a hurt that has surfaced.

I did some writing last night about the termination last May and the following couple of months
I know you know it's something that still affects me and our relationship
But apparently I'd forgotten just how strong those feelings had been. I'd forgotten how unbearable and excruciating the feelings of hurt and grief were. I think I blocked it out because I didn't want to remember, because it hurt too much.

But I think it's getting in the way of being vulnerable. I think I still don't really trust you. I think I'm still half expecting it to happen again. I hold onto my doubts that you really care about me, that you really mean the things you say, so that if it happens again I can at least tell myself that I was expecting it, that I wasn't stupid enough to let myself fully trust you this time. That I always knew you didn't care about me anyway.

I wonder who gave you that little stone on the side table by your chair. I’d like to hear the story.

I miss you. How has it been 6 weeks since I've seen you in person?