Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I'm angry! Burn it all down! Destroy everything!

it makes my heart happy to read that.

Cannot thank you enough for 'I will not shut you down' today.

You seemed to know what I needed to hear.

L, even though I'm not angry anymore, and I know in my heart that your intention was not to hurt me but that you were trying to help me deal with my feelings for you, the fact remains that I felt deeply hurt by what you said in Feb. And i now understand that that's why I can't come back. Your comment no matter how well-intentioned it was, shattered my trust in you into little bits. I am holding onto the tremendous amount of good work we did together over the years prior to this and moving forward into the rest of my life. There's part of me that still loves you and always will.

I want to tell you this and at the same time reassure you that overall you helped me way more than you hurt me but I'm not sure how.

You hurt me too today. You weren't kind.

Do I give you one last chance in the hopes you'll get it right tomorrow, just before you fade away into the sunset for two weeks. Or should I just let it go now already and you become ex-T in my mind?

Dear Ex-MC,
Well, it's certainly fitting that the song The National released today (anniversary of our termination) from their forthcoming album has the following chorus:
"Oh, the glory of it all was lost on me
Til I saw how hard it'd be to reach you
And I would always be light years, light years away from you
Light years, light years away from you."

And also the line: "I was always 10 feet behind you from the start."

--LT

Omgosh LT that kinda fits with me and L too. i had felt so close to her but when she said "you don't know me" I realized how far apart we really are. Light years, like the song says. Thank you for sharing that.

I googled it and I like it LT.

I like it too. Thanks for posting that, !

"You dont know me." Ive been thinking about this re my t since you wrote this a few days ago. Remember the story "The Lady or the Tiger?" Honestly, i think it's like that. How do they show their love for us, and do their job, AND keep us both safe?

It is an unsolvable problem I suppose... I do wish all along she hadn't done such a good job of convincing me otherwise though.... if that makes any sense.

I need to re read that story I think.

Dear T: for some frustrating reason I miss you. I don't know why I miss you. Our last session didn't go so well so why do I miss you? Is it just the time in between sessions is growing long and I desire someone to talk to that listens to me about SH and hallucinations and stuff like that? Why do I miss you? Kit

I loooove that story! I remember our class discussion of it in maybe 6th or 7th grade? We were all hoppin' out of our seats, so SURE we knew the answer! Not getting the point AT ALL!!! Ah, youth.

I hate you sm right now

happy bday 2 me

Seems a little dramatic.

Dear T,
Thank you for being there and doing your best to understand.

Love you,
LT

T, I know you were unsure about today. Even as I left you were trying to check. You were so lost in thought I had to ask for my hug. I know you know you have an email, I hope you read it and really hear me. Today was SO much better than anything I had hoped for. I hope you hear that. Even H felt better. I love you T. Oh, and it was fun sitting in your spot today.

Wow. What is this feeling that I have when the anger and skepticism towards you fades? This one is scary too.

Dear T,
Really struggling right now...Not because of anything you said, because of ex-MC.

Love,
LT

T, needy Omers is needy. You were still you today even with hubby there. You were you. We need to talk about that, and the stuff from the emails... and... how my perception of you has changed. I see you totally different now... and I kinda like it.

I am inclined to think we need a code word.

First "Dear T" for Baby T

Even though I don't want to and wont call you "my T", I really appreciate how supportive and validating you are with my T relationship and grief. I love that you have not once judged him and have constantly given me hope for the future. Now let's tackle this self worth stuff in the meantime....